Better To Just Be Real. Show Up, Do Your Job And Be A Nice Person

That Time We Discussed My Declining Years and The Disparity Between Your Early Twenties and Mid-Late Twenties

Oh yes, dear readers, it's another rant.

I've come home from work, quickly demolished two glasses of wine and of course a Blog Post has been born.

Strap yourselves in; it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Buckle up now.

As I am sure I have complained about before, and as we all know, I have studied Law at University and now for some unknown reason have completed the Legal Practice Course at Law School as well.

An example of the many, many hoops I have jumped through thus far on my journey to become a badass solicitor.

Not bitter.

Obviously.

(Although my bank account is still crying from the last round of financial assault the Solicitors Regulation Authority managed to get away with.)

ANYWAY.

The next step after a 4 year Law degree, 2 years at Law School and 6 years' work experience as a paralegal/legal assistant is a 2 year training contract completed on the job and a Professional Skills Course repeating much of what I have already undertaken at Law School.

Do you understand why I have a permanent eye twitch yet, dear readers?!

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?!

The next step requires training contract applications.  Having waited several years for a training contract to plop itself down in my lap (not really sure why I thought that was a valid tactic), I have decided to take a more pro-active approach to the whole farcical situation.  Better late than never, or so I'm told.

The other night I sat down ready for application hell and discovered...well...exactly that actually.

I was half way through an application when I got to a set of three boxes that enraged me so much that I had to go and watch calming videos of people applying acrylic nail polish to calm myself down lest I fling my laptop across the room.

Oh hush, you big baby, I didn't go through with it!

The application enraged me so much that I have decided to write this Blog Post and correct the glaring errors in employers' ways.

For it is not just one application that is needlessly grueling; all applications seem to be designed to confound, irritate and otherwise perplex.

So, here are my attempts to help those misguided HR departments out there...

1. Questions to Avoid

"Why do you want to work for this firm?"

Stop, stop, stop asking me this.  The answer is, invariably; "Because you have a vacancy and I need money."

Which apparently employers don't like.  Even if it is the truth.

Case. Point.

But then why do I have to explain myself to this stranger in a dodgy pinstripe suit.  Tell me why YOU want ME, Big Partner Solicitor Person.

Apparently employers don't like that either.

The truth hurts, boo.

I know that you are supposed to say a load of buzz words that you have managed to pick out from the firm's website but, let's be honest, it's always a lie.

Is this the way we want to start this new glorious relationship, potential employer?

Oh, apparently it is because I can hear you muttering about how important the work/life balance is in this firm (normally exclusively reserved for Partners who need to spend the afternoon boozing with some clients), progression is available (after 5 years and we dangle that carrot in front of you for the whole time to make sure you work your little yoga bum off) and that our salaries are competitive (competitively shit for this over saturated market you mean).

Ah.  So lying it is then.

And they say lawyers are unscrupulous. 

2. Provide Results From All University Modules, Exams, Driving Test and All Smear Tests

I'm not saying that academic results aren't important; of course they are. Especially in a career in Law.  All I'm saying is, why do I need to provide every single result of every single exam since I was 15 years old?  I got 9 GCSEs, 4 A Levels, a University Degree and a Post-Graduate Diploma.

Do you realise how many exams that adds up to?!

I do: 53.

53 individual exam results I need to include on every single training contract application.

I mean...seriously?! Is anyone even looking at these at this point?

Apparently not.

Isn't it enough to say that I passed them? Can't I just give a vague outline instead of the actual percentage that I got in each module at Uni? (This is not an exaggeration - I have to type out the number for each exam.)

And haven't we got passed that ideal that only academics can make it in the Law world? What if I didn't excel at school but have a great work ethic, an understanding of how to handle clients without wanting to poke my eyes out with a stapler remover and the ability to click buttons in my case management system which generates all the necessary letters for me anyway...don't get me started on that last one.

I understand that employers need a bar by which to judge the multitude of applicants against but why does it need to be in this much detail? If I was a complete fraud and unable to string a coherent thought together I am pretty sure one of these institutions would have outed me by now.

No caption required.

3. My Life Is Empty and Has No Meaning

And, finally, the questions in the training contract application that lead to this Blog Post in the first place:

- List your hobbies/interests and membership of clubs
- List your involvement in the community and/or charity work
- Positions of responsibilities

I was looking at the above questions and pulled this face:-

And am just as cute. Obviously.

Hobbies and memberships of clubs? Err...next.

Involvement in the community/charity work. Umm...

Positions of responsibilities. ...my boss let's me put the clean tea towels out sometimes?

Looking at these questions blankly and scratching my head (which incidentally is turning grey because I'm old) it struck me how geared up these applications were for University students.  In fact, the only things I could include in most of these questions took me all the way back to my early twenties.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I became.  These questions started making me question my life: why wasn't I a member of a club? Why didn't I do any charity work? What did I actually do in my spare time?!

My new Facebook profile pic.

And the more I pondered, the more I thought...why the hell should I have to explain myself to you, anonymous and mystical training contract giver?

I like my life.  My life is fulfilling and fun and full of light, laughter, love, family and friends.  If I want to spend the entire weekend in my pyjamas watching Big Bang Theory or bouncing around in muddy puddles with the Boyfriend and Nessie, in what way does that affect my ability to do a fantastic job 9-5, Monday to Friday?

It doesn't and that is what infuriated me so much.  Why should I spend my time filling these boxes with guff from years ago?  What employer wants to know I joined the snow sports team (but only for the socials) or that when I had loads of free time and wasn't desperately trying to pay off Law School loans (thanks again, SRA!) I had the time and inclination to raise money for charity.  I work damn hard in the week and if I want to devote my weekends to doing nothing that is my prerogative.

My thoughts exactly Mr Puss Cat

Why wasn't there a box for 'shit you do really well at work', 'list all the jobs you've had and the experience you gained i.e. leave a URL to your Linkedin here' and 'what is the nicest thing you've done for a colleague' or 'would any of your employers have you back or would they laugh in your face and tell you to take a long walk off a short pier?'

See? I fixed your stupid application, Head of HR.

It was at this point that I put the application away for fear of typing in caps lock 'WHO THE CARES?'

Won't some magical training contract guru think about us, the aging, work weary wretches of the world that didn't get off our arses at Uni and make all these application at the appropriate time?

Please?

Pretty, pussycat please?

In light of the above, maybe it has become clearer to some of the non-Law crowd as to why I have been preparing my lap for the training contact ploppage instead of actually filling out the applications.

Or maybe it just goes to show I'm too lazy to be a solicitor.

Eh.

Paralegal for lyfe, innit?

(I didn't say any of those GCSEs were in English.)

&&Fin.

If You Don't Do Laundry Today, You'll Have To Buy Clothes Tomorrow

That Time We Discussed Some Fashion Trends

Those of you that know me will know that I would not class myself as a fashionista.

Fashion, frankly, baffles me.

Maybe I am too boring to understand some of the trends that pop up from time to time. Maybe I find some of them too pretentious and am actually a reverse-snob. Who knows?

Normally I would not give fashion a second thought but several things have happened recently which have clothes and trends on my brain. Which, of course, only leads to The Blog. (The poor, poor neglected Blog.)

Before we get started on this list, dear readers, please be aware that the following are my opinions only and we all know what a sarcastic, vicious little brain I am harbouring. So apologies now for anyone that finds these comments in bad taste.

Comfort yourself in the knowledge that I really don't know what I'm talking about most of the time so why should a published Blog be any different?

Okay, here we go...

1. Release The Hounds

I know, I know, I thought this was a post about horrendous clothing trends that we could snigger at from behind the safety of our computer/phone screens while we spill spaghetti bolognese down ourselves too!

Bear with.

Release The Hounds: Famous and Freaked returned to our tellyboxes this week with an all celebrity special season. (To be honest, they have taken certain liberties with the term 'celebrity' but it is ITV2 and we'll forgive them for not being able to get big stars like ITV1 and the Hello Campers team.)

Anyway, for anyone that hasn't seen the programme, rest assured, there are no spoilers here.

For you lovely readers that haven't seen the show, invariably it involves a group of three drama queens that would squeal at the drop of a hat being dumped in a Lithuanian forest in the late afternoon. A grinning and undeniably giddy Reggie Yates greets the unfortunate victims for that week, hands them a bright red back pack with a walkie talkie and points them in the direction of the woods. From there, the somewhat depleted Mystery Inc gang have to solve puzzles in order to obtain a key to a chest full of money. Once they have the key they can take the money but, in order to keep the money, they have to outrun a pack of dogs.

The trick of course is that the quicker they solve the puzzle, the bigger the head start they have over the hounds.

This newest series started off with a pretty creepy bang. However, watching the show did annoy me in a slightly unusual way.

As I've explained, the main aim of the game is to outrun the dogs at the end of the tasks.

So why, oh why, do all the contestants insist on wearing jeans?!

Jeans.

More jeans.

JEANS EVERYWHERE. DID I MISS THE MEMO ON JEANS?!

Again, I'm assuming that most of these nitwits have seen the show previously (or maybe they haven't – makes more sense as to why they would volunteer in the first place to be honest) so they should know that most of the tasks involve water or liquid of some kind.

What would possess someone to run in wet jeans?

The answer is, of course, a pack of slavering, barking dogs at their heels which I suppose is sort of the point...

Anyway, this inexplicably frustrates me.

Fashion – nil points so far.

2. Sparkle Particle

Introducing ... Glitter Roots! The new way to disguise your roots. ...apparently.

I mean, is this even a thing?!

The first time I saw mention of this trend was admittedly on the Daily Fail (whoops Mail) website so it could be a load of twaddle. Like most of their articles.

But instagram seems to disagree.

I mean, just on a practical note, that looks like it would be a nightmare to shampoo out.

Whole campaigns have been based on making your hair look as flake free as possible but apparently this is The New Thing.

Don't look Head and Shoulders; you'll only upset yourself.

I can kind of understand this look for a festival (particularly Wilderness) but you're already not really washing properly and a bit sticky and covered in goodness knows what so might as well chuck on something that is at least sparkly I guess.

But imagine your Mum's face when you go home and explain that all of that will be clogging up her shower drain in about an hour.

"Oh yeah, and here's my bag of washing. What's for dinner, I'm starving!"

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love a bit of sparkle so it's not that I'm just anti-glitter but I can feel my hair retracting back into the follicles just thinking about smearing a load of that all over my scalp.

Maybe I'm just not Down With The Kids Anymore.

Afterall, I remember when we used to think this looked good.

"I'm totally ready for the school disco now!"

And all those little butterfly clips...

What exactly were those clips holding up? Probably our badly cut fringes that we instantly regretted.

You know what? The less said about hair in the 90s and early 00s the better.

Moving on!

3. Naked Attraction

On to another television show now and this one is the uncomfortable viewing pleasure that is Naked Attraction.

Those of you under 18, of a delicate disposition and/or my Grandmother, avert your gaze now.

Basically: 6 strangers stand naked in coloured pods, slowly their bodies are revealed (in reverse so from tail to top) and the contestant picks one to knock out each round by deciding which one they fancy less based on pure physical attraction.

My housemate and I ended up watching this cringe fest together with a glass of wine (alcohol consumption definitely recommended).

And the thing that struck us the most about the show was the comment that people kept making that it was 'the best way to judge someone without being shallow'.

Errr...what?!

You just dumped someone on the based only on their body from the waist down.

If that isn't shallow I don't know what is.

Apparently, the best way to 'get to know someone' and to 'judge and find someone for who they are' (nobody on the show is struck by the irony in these phrases fyi) is to have 6 strangers stand naked before you for your abrupt perusal like you are looking for your next bull at some cattle market.

“Ooh, yes, Anna Richardson, who seems to always be involved with these pseudo-sexual programmes on channel 4, his foreskin is particularly long, isn't it? I don't like.” -Somewhere offstage Simon Cowell hits a large red buzzer in the background-

(The above is almost a direct quote from the show just so you don't think I'm being disgusting.)

(Disclaimer – apart from Simon Cowell. He did not hit the big red buzzer. He likey. Or wait...is that Paddy McGuinness? Eurgh, all these dodgy innuendos are getting my pop culture references mixed up.)

Maybe I'm just a massive prude but it wasn't so much the nakedness as the almost rude comments people were making about the bodies they were presented with.

Is that a fashion these days? To have no regard for anyone else's feelings? Sometimes it really does feel that way. I'm not saying that we all need to find each other unbearably attractive; nothing would get done, but does anybody really need to hear the phrase “what other willies are you drawn to?” or “I've never seen a vagina like this...you can see a lot of it. But she does like to shave” (disappointed face) or “how do you feel about the fact that that is one hell of a hairy crack?” Again – quoting from the show here. Literally episode 1.

Again, let's be clear; it's not a problem that I have with the show itself people being naked on the telly doesn't give me the heebie jeebies but why try and dress it up to be something it's not? And why are all the comments so crude and clinical?

Did these people really need someone peering at their naked personage and passing judgement?

But then I suppose telling people what they should be wearing is just as bad.

'Murica.

Let's not even go there. That's a whole new Blog Post.

And finally, the big one, the traumatic experience that has inspired this entire post...

4. It's A Nice Day For A White Wedding

As some of you may know, I have been invited to a wedding this year.

Not only do I love a good wedding but this is a particularly special event as this is the first of my university friends to tie the knot. And it's on the day before my birthday.

I. Am. So. Excited.

And this of course has lead to the requirement for a shopping expedition. As is well established, if my house mate isn't there to dress me I am a hot mess.

Plus, I have shopping vouchers; just call me the coupon Queen.

Mother and I ventured off to find a suitable wedding guest outfit in January and found the shopping centre wanting.

The choice was awful, there was no colour anywhere (seriously what is with all the grey and khaki errrrrywhere?) and anything that was even half decent cost an arm and a leg even on sale.

We trawled through rack after rack for 3 hours and, after finding only disappointment and a lacklustre service in the Debenhams cafe (what happened to you?!), we left with only a few purchases which were actually gifts for other people.

Not quite what we had in mind.

Nevertheless, I was not deterred; namely because I don't actually have anything suitable rather than an abundance of enthusiasm for the task.

So the online shopping began.

The first thing that I noticed was that lots of websites had a very helpful section called 'wedding guest'.

'Perfect!' I hear you cry. Not so, dear reader, not so.

For within this section of clothing there was very little that was appropriate. It was either too short, too formal or too white.

Err...no, Asos, don't think the bride will thank me for this one.

When did this suddenly become A Thing?

I thought it was an unwritten rule that you were not to wear white to a wedding? Maybe this is a rule that I've made up but if your dress is more than 50% white maybe you should have a re-think.

Again, cannot stress enough, this is in the wedding guest section.

And if it looks like this....maybe skip the wedding, take a good long look in the mirror and work on you for a bit. #nojudgement #butloadsofjudgement

I mean, even Glamour agrees with me and, to be honest, that's like gospel in the fashion world.

Maybe.

I'm also against dressing all in black at a wedding. It feels a bit too funeral-y, especially when lots of the blokes only really have the option of dark, formal-wear. I like a splash of colour but, judging from the various online shops, I am wrong on this front as well.

The number of LBDs (is the wedding in a night club?) or other black dresses made me think that maybe colour is over-rated these days?

I told you I wasn't a fashionista.

In any event, the search for a decent (not even perfect! I have realistic expectations I promise) wedding guest dress continues. Goodness only knows what I'll end up wearing.

All I know is if anybody wears a white dress to my wedding they will be on the receiving end of an 'accident' with a glass of red wine.

You have all been warned.

Whoopsie! Sozlol.

I think what we have all learned from this is that I should continue to keep fashion at arm's length and everyone will be happy.

Although, if I do follow current fashion trends, I will be attending the wedding in April in a pair of white jeans, naked from the waist up, covered in glitter.

Maybe it will catch on.

#trendsetter.

Or maybe I'll finally be carted off to the loonie bin for good.

&&Fin.

The World Needs More Love At First Sight

That Time We Found Lego Boyfriend A Mate

So it's been a while, dear reader (as usual).  Christmas has come and gone.

O Christmas tree...

And New Year...

And the first week of work...

And with January blues firmly setting in, I think it is about time The Blog makes a comeback to spread some happiness and sarcasm about the place.

Or it might just be a good chance for some of you to have a good-natured chortle at my various antics.

Whatevs.

As we all know, The Great Abandonment has begun (namely because I don't shut up about it).  However, I was lucky enough to see The Boyfriend a few times over the course of the last 2 months.  The Battlestar came into port for a brief period of time and, despite my friends sniggering over my 'boaty calls', it has been lovely to see The Boyfriend for real.

Err...I mean...oh bollocks.

Not that Lego Boyfriend hasn't been a big comfort to me!

Oh Lord, what have I done?!

ANYWAY.

Because I realised how much I had neglected Lego Boyfriend in the wake of real man flesh becoming, if not readily, at least somewhat, available.

Yes, yes - we get it!

I decided to treat Lego Boyfriend to a special little plastic something of his own.

...Keep it clean, dear readers!

Whilst I was off gallivanting with The Boyfriend, poor old Lego Boyfriend was tucked safe in a little pouch in my handbag hardly seeing the light of day.

Poor little tyke.

In an attempt to cheer him up, I got him his own little playmate.

Lego Boyfriend meet.....

Lego Girlfriend!

Complete with big suitcase and a can of whoop ass.

And it was love at first sight.

Lego Boyfriend effectively became the heart eyes emoji upon setting his plastic little eyes on her.

What can I say? Call me the Lego fairy godmother.

So. Many. Legos.

Now. I would love to say that Lego Boyfriend and Girlfriend lived happily ever after, clasping their little yellow hands (claws?) and running (shuffling) off into the sunset (a lamp on my desk).  But sadly, shortly after their love struck first meeting, it was decided that Lego Girlfriend should be allowed to travel the world with The Boyfriend (since AJ is far too big to squeeze in The Boyfriend's suitcase).

Especially not with this bint already stowing away.

So Lego Girlfriend and Boyfriend have been separated (geographically only - obviously!) and now I'm stuck with this face permanently:

Calm down - you'll see her in March.

So Lego Girlfriend has gone on her adventures to Central America with The Boyfriend:

Doing her bit to help ensure safe passage across the Atlantic.  Can't say she doesn't pull her weight.

Lego Boyfriend and I will sit at home and look forward to the updates we receive from our respective other (arguably better) halves. But at least we'll have each other for company.

And now The Boyfriend doesn't need to get his jealous pouty face on every time Lego Boyfriend pops up on Instagram.

Although I have already had to have The Chat with Lego Girlfriend about Proper and Appropriate Behaviour.

I think you all know what I'm talking about.

When two young plastic lego figurines get together, the sparks fly, hormones are racing, the skirts are a little above the knee...it's inevitable really.

Queen Elsa knows what's up (kind of a party pooper though - I love a good wedding)

Ah, young, delusional love.

I'm off to buy myself a hat!

&&Fin.