If You Don't Do Laundry Today, You'll Have To Buy Clothes Tomorrow

That Time We Discussed Some Fashion Trends

Those of you that know me will know that I would not class myself as a fashionista.

Fashion, frankly, baffles me.

Maybe I am too boring to understand some of the trends that pop up from time to time. Maybe I find some of them too pretentious and am actually a reverse-snob. Who knows?

Normally I would not give fashion a second thought but several things have happened recently which have clothes and trends on my brain. Which, of course, only leads to The Blog. (The poor, poor neglected Blog.)

Before we get started on this list, dear readers, please be aware that the following are my opinions only and we all know what a sarcastic, vicious little brain I am harbouring. So apologies now for anyone that finds these comments in bad taste.

Comfort yourself in the knowledge that I really don't know what I'm talking about most of the time so why should a published Blog be any different?

Okay, here we go...

1. Release The Hounds

I know, I know, I thought this was a post about horrendous clothing trends that we could snigger at from behind the safety of our computer/phone screens while we spill spaghetti bolognese down ourselves too!

Bear with.

Release The Hounds: Famous and Freaked returned to our tellyboxes this week with an all celebrity special season. (To be honest, they have taken certain liberties with the term 'celebrity' but it is ITV2 and we'll forgive them for not being able to get big stars like ITV1 and the Hello Campers team.)

Anyway, for anyone that hasn't seen the programme, rest assured, there are no spoilers here.

For you lovely readers that haven't seen the show, invariably it involves a group of three drama queens that would squeal at the drop of a hat being dumped in a Lithuanian forest in the late afternoon. A grinning and undeniably giddy Reggie Yates greets the unfortunate victims for that week, hands them a bright red back pack with a walkie talkie and points them in the direction of the woods. From there, the somewhat depleted Mystery Inc gang have to solve puzzles in order to obtain a key to a chest full of money. Once they have the key they can take the money but, in order to keep the money, they have to outrun a pack of dogs.

The trick of course is that the quicker they solve the puzzle, the bigger the head start they have over the hounds.

This newest series started off with a pretty creepy bang. However, watching the show did annoy me in a slightly unusual way.

As I've explained, the main aim of the game is to outrun the dogs at the end of the tasks.

So why, oh why, do all the contestants insist on wearing jeans?!

Jeans.

More jeans.

JEANS EVERYWHERE. DID I MISS THE MEMO ON JEANS?!

Again, I'm assuming that most of these nitwits have seen the show previously (or maybe they haven't – makes more sense as to why they would volunteer in the first place to be honest) so they should know that most of the tasks involve water or liquid of some kind.

What would possess someone to run in wet jeans?

The answer is, of course, a pack of slavering, barking dogs at their heels which I suppose is sort of the point...

Anyway, this inexplicably frustrates me.

Fashion – nil points so far.

2. Sparkle Particle

Introducing ... Glitter Roots! The new way to disguise your roots. ...apparently.

I mean, is this even a thing?!

The first time I saw mention of this trend was admittedly on the Daily Fail (whoops Mail) website so it could be a load of twaddle. Like most of their articles.

But instagram seems to disagree.

I mean, just on a practical note, that looks like it would be a nightmare to shampoo out.

Whole campaigns have been based on making your hair look as flake free as possible but apparently this is The New Thing.

Don't look Head and Shoulders; you'll only upset yourself.

I can kind of understand this look for a festival (particularly Wilderness) but you're already not really washing properly and a bit sticky and covered in goodness knows what so might as well chuck on something that is at least sparkly I guess.

But imagine your Mum's face when you go home and explain that all of that will be clogging up her shower drain in about an hour.

"Oh yeah, and here's my bag of washing. What's for dinner, I'm starving!"

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love a bit of sparkle so it's not that I'm just anti-glitter but I can feel my hair retracting back into the follicles just thinking about smearing a load of that all over my scalp.

Maybe I'm just not Down With The Kids Anymore.

Afterall, I remember when we used to think this looked good.

"I'm totally ready for the school disco now!"

And all those little butterfly clips...

What exactly were those clips holding up? Probably our badly cut fringes that we instantly regretted.

You know what? The less said about hair in the 90s and early 00s the better.

Moving on!

3. Naked Attraction

On to another television show now and this one is the uncomfortable viewing pleasure that is Naked Attraction.

Those of you under 18, of a delicate disposition and/or my Grandmother, avert your gaze now.

Basically: 6 strangers stand naked in coloured pods, slowly their bodies are revealed (in reverse so from tail to top) and the contestant picks one to knock out each round by deciding which one they fancy less based on pure physical attraction.

My housemate and I ended up watching this cringe fest together with a glass of wine (alcohol consumption definitely recommended).

And the thing that struck us the most about the show was the comment that people kept making that it was 'the best way to judge someone without being shallow'.

Errr...what?!

You just dumped someone on the based only on their body from the waist down.

If that isn't shallow I don't know what is.

Apparently, the best way to 'get to know someone' and to 'judge and find someone for who they are' (nobody on the show is struck by the irony in these phrases fyi) is to have 6 strangers stand naked before you for your abrupt perusal like you are looking for your next bull at some cattle market.

“Ooh, yes, Anna Richardson, who seems to always be involved with these pseudo-sexual programmes on channel 4, his foreskin is particularly long, isn't it? I don't like.” -Somewhere offstage Simon Cowell hits a large red buzzer in the background-

(The above is almost a direct quote from the show just so you don't think I'm being disgusting.)

(Disclaimer – apart from Simon Cowell. He did not hit the big red buzzer. He likey. Or wait...is that Paddy McGuinness? Eurgh, all these dodgy innuendos are getting my pop culture references mixed up.)

Maybe I'm just a massive prude but it wasn't so much the nakedness as the almost rude comments people were making about the bodies they were presented with.

Is that a fashion these days? To have no regard for anyone else's feelings? Sometimes it really does feel that way. I'm not saying that we all need to find each other unbearably attractive; nothing would get done, but does anybody really need to hear the phrase “what other willies are you drawn to?” or “I've never seen a vagina like this...you can see a lot of it. But she does like to shave” (disappointed face) or “how do you feel about the fact that that is one hell of a hairy crack?” Again – quoting from the show here. Literally episode 1.

Again, let's be clear; it's not a problem that I have with the show itself people being naked on the telly doesn't give me the heebie jeebies but why try and dress it up to be something it's not? And why are all the comments so crude and clinical?

Did these people really need someone peering at their naked personage and passing judgement?

But then I suppose telling people what they should be wearing is just as bad.

'Murica.

Let's not even go there. That's a whole new Blog Post.

And finally, the big one, the traumatic experience that has inspired this entire post...

4. It's A Nice Day For A White Wedding

As some of you may know, I have been invited to a wedding this year.

Not only do I love a good wedding but this is a particularly special event as this is the first of my university friends to tie the knot. And it's on the day before my birthday.

I. Am. So. Excited.

And this of course has lead to the requirement for a shopping expedition. As is well established, if my house mate isn't there to dress me I am a hot mess.

Plus, I have shopping vouchers; just call me the coupon Queen.

Mother and I ventured off to find a suitable wedding guest outfit in January and found the shopping centre wanting.

The choice was awful, there was no colour anywhere (seriously what is with all the grey and khaki errrrrywhere?) and anything that was even half decent cost an arm and a leg even on sale.

We trawled through rack after rack for 3 hours and, after finding only disappointment and a lacklustre service in the Debenhams cafe (what happened to you?!), we left with only a few purchases which were actually gifts for other people.

Not quite what we had in mind.

Nevertheless, I was not deterred; namely because I don't actually have anything suitable rather than an abundance of enthusiasm for the task.

So the online shopping began.

The first thing that I noticed was that lots of websites had a very helpful section called 'wedding guest'.

'Perfect!' I hear you cry. Not so, dear reader, not so.

For within this section of clothing there was very little that was appropriate. It was either too short, too formal or too white.

Err...no, Asos, don't think the bride will thank me for this one.

When did this suddenly become A Thing?

I thought it was an unwritten rule that you were not to wear white to a wedding? Maybe this is a rule that I've made up but if your dress is more than 50% white maybe you should have a re-think.

Again, cannot stress enough, this is in the wedding guest section.

And if it looks like this....maybe skip the wedding, take a good long look in the mirror and work on you for a bit. #nojudgement #butloadsofjudgement

I mean, even Glamour agrees with me and, to be honest, that's like gospel in the fashion world.

Maybe.

I'm also against dressing all in black at a wedding. It feels a bit too funeral-y, especially when lots of the blokes only really have the option of dark, formal-wear. I like a splash of colour but, judging from the various online shops, I am wrong on this front as well.

The number of LBDs (is the wedding in a night club?) or other black dresses made me think that maybe colour is over-rated these days?

I told you I wasn't a fashionista.

In any event, the search for a decent (not even perfect! I have realistic expectations I promise) wedding guest dress continues. Goodness only knows what I'll end up wearing.

All I know is if anybody wears a white dress to my wedding they will be on the receiving end of an 'accident' with a glass of red wine.

You have all been warned.

Whoopsie! Sozlol.

I think what we have all learned from this is that I should continue to keep fashion at arm's length and everyone will be happy.

Although, if I do follow current fashion trends, I will be attending the wedding in April in a pair of white jeans, naked from the waist up, covered in glitter.

Maybe it will catch on.

#trendsetter.

Or maybe I'll finally be carted off to the loonie bin for good.

&&Fin.