Better To Just Be Real. Show Up, Do Your Job And Be A Nice Person

That Time We Discussed My Declining Years and The Disparity Between Your Early Twenties and Mid-Late Twenties

Oh yes, dear readers, it's another rant.

I've come home from work, quickly demolished two glasses of wine and of course a Blog Post has been born.

Strap yourselves in; it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Buckle up now.

As I am sure I have complained about before, and as we all know, I have studied Law at University and now for some unknown reason have completed the Legal Practice Course at Law School as well.

An example of the many, many hoops I have jumped through thus far on my journey to become a badass solicitor.

Not bitter.

Obviously.

(Although my bank account is still crying from the last round of financial assault the Solicitors Regulation Authority managed to get away with.)

ANYWAY.

The next step after a 4 year Law degree, 2 years at Law School and 6 years' work experience as a paralegal/legal assistant is a 2 year training contract completed on the job and a Professional Skills Course repeating much of what I have already undertaken at Law School.

Do you understand why I have a permanent eye twitch yet, dear readers?!

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?!

The next step requires training contract applications.  Having waited several years for a training contract to plop itself down in my lap (not really sure why I thought that was a valid tactic), I have decided to take a more pro-active approach to the whole farcical situation.  Better late than never, or so I'm told.

The other night I sat down ready for application hell and discovered...well...exactly that actually.

I was half way through an application when I got to a set of three boxes that enraged me so much that I had to go and watch calming videos of people applying acrylic nail polish to calm myself down lest I fling my laptop across the room.

Oh hush, you big baby, I didn't go through with it!

The application enraged me so much that I have decided to write this Blog Post and correct the glaring errors in employers' ways.

For it is not just one application that is needlessly grueling; all applications seem to be designed to confound, irritate and otherwise perplex.

So, here are my attempts to help those misguided HR departments out there...

1. Questions to Avoid

"Why do you want to work for this firm?"

Stop, stop, stop asking me this.  The answer is, invariably; "Because you have a vacancy and I need money."

Which apparently employers don't like.  Even if it is the truth.

Case. Point.

But then why do I have to explain myself to this stranger in a dodgy pinstripe suit.  Tell me why YOU want ME, Big Partner Solicitor Person.

Apparently employers don't like that either.

The truth hurts, boo.

I know that you are supposed to say a load of buzz words that you have managed to pick out from the firm's website but, let's be honest, it's always a lie.

Is this the way we want to start this new glorious relationship, potential employer?

Oh, apparently it is because I can hear you muttering about how important the work/life balance is in this firm (normally exclusively reserved for Partners who need to spend the afternoon boozing with some clients), progression is available (after 5 years and we dangle that carrot in front of you for the whole time to make sure you work your little yoga bum off) and that our salaries are competitive (competitively shit for this over saturated market you mean).

Ah.  So lying it is then.

And they say lawyers are unscrupulous. 

2. Provide Results From All University Modules, Exams, Driving Test and All Smear Tests

I'm not saying that academic results aren't important; of course they are. Especially in a career in Law.  All I'm saying is, why do I need to provide every single result of every single exam since I was 15 years old?  I got 9 GCSEs, 4 A Levels, a University Degree and a Post-Graduate Diploma.

Do you realise how many exams that adds up to?!

I do: 53.

53 individual exam results I need to include on every single training contract application.

I mean...seriously?! Is anyone even looking at these at this point?

Apparently not.

Isn't it enough to say that I passed them? Can't I just give a vague outline instead of the actual percentage that I got in each module at Uni? (This is not an exaggeration - I have to type out the number for each exam.)

And haven't we got passed that ideal that only academics can make it in the Law world? What if I didn't excel at school but have a great work ethic, an understanding of how to handle clients without wanting to poke my eyes out with a stapler remover and the ability to click buttons in my case management system which generates all the necessary letters for me anyway...don't get me started on that last one.

I understand that employers need a bar by which to judge the multitude of applicants against but why does it need to be in this much detail? If I was a complete fraud and unable to string a coherent thought together I am pretty sure one of these institutions would have outed me by now.

No caption required.

3. My Life Is Empty and Has No Meaning

And, finally, the questions in the training contract application that lead to this Blog Post in the first place:

- List your hobbies/interests and membership of clubs
- List your involvement in the community and/or charity work
- Positions of responsibilities

I was looking at the above questions and pulled this face:-

And am just as cute. Obviously.

Hobbies and memberships of clubs? Err...next.

Involvement in the community/charity work. Umm...

Positions of responsibilities. ...my boss let's me put the clean tea towels out sometimes?

Looking at these questions blankly and scratching my head (which incidentally is turning grey because I'm old) it struck me how geared up these applications were for University students.  In fact, the only things I could include in most of these questions took me all the way back to my early twenties.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I became.  These questions started making me question my life: why wasn't I a member of a club? Why didn't I do any charity work? What did I actually do in my spare time?!

My new Facebook profile pic.

And the more I pondered, the more I thought...why the hell should I have to explain myself to you, anonymous and mystical training contract giver?

I like my life.  My life is fulfilling and fun and full of light, laughter, love, family and friends.  If I want to spend the entire weekend in my pyjamas watching Big Bang Theory or bouncing around in muddy puddles with the Boyfriend and Nessie, in what way does that affect my ability to do a fantastic job 9-5, Monday to Friday?

It doesn't and that is what infuriated me so much.  Why should I spend my time filling these boxes with guff from years ago?  What employer wants to know I joined the snow sports team (but only for the socials) or that when I had loads of free time and wasn't desperately trying to pay off Law School loans (thanks again, SRA!) I had the time and inclination to raise money for charity.  I work damn hard in the week and if I want to devote my weekends to doing nothing that is my prerogative.

My thoughts exactly Mr Puss Cat

Why wasn't there a box for 'shit you do really well at work', 'list all the jobs you've had and the experience you gained i.e. leave a URL to your Linkedin here' and 'what is the nicest thing you've done for a colleague' or 'would any of your employers have you back or would they laugh in your face and tell you to take a long walk off a short pier?'

See? I fixed your stupid application, Head of HR.

It was at this point that I put the application away for fear of typing in caps lock 'WHO THE CARES?'

Won't some magical training contract guru think about us, the aging, work weary wretches of the world that didn't get off our arses at Uni and make all these application at the appropriate time?

Please?

Pretty, pussycat please?

In light of the above, maybe it has become clearer to some of the non-Law crowd as to why I have been preparing my lap for the training contact ploppage instead of actually filling out the applications.

Or maybe it just goes to show I'm too lazy to be a solicitor.

Eh.

Paralegal for lyfe, innit?

(I didn't say any of those GCSEs were in English.)

&&Fin.

Art Is the Lie That Enables Us To Realise The Truth

That Time We Discussed Modern Art

What The Buzz: #TurnerPrize

So....art.

I am notoriously bad at this.

Which only serves to frustrate me more as I don't understand how anyone can be 'bad' at art as surely it's entirely subjective?

And therein lies my problem; I am overly analytical about how I should even be viewing various art.

And already the complications begin.

Me wandering around the National Gallery and rocking an awesome pixie/bowl cut.

In any event, a trending topic on Twitter this week was the Turner Prize which was (SPOILER ALERT!)  awarded this evening to a group called 'Assemble'.

The Turner Prize (for those, like me, that had no clue) is an annual prize awarded to a British visual artist aged under 50. The award started in 1984 and represents all forms of media.  The prize is often surrounded by controversy including celebrity guests swearing (tut tut Madonna) and criticism of a piece which involved preserving a shark in formaldehyde, 

I wasn't joking about that.

So this year's short list was as follows:

Bonnie Camplin - who created a supernatural study center which showed interviews with people claiming to have had paranormal experiences/meetings.

Janice Kerbel - with an avant-garde, acapella 24-minute opera about a fictional character named Doug.

Nicole Wermers - whose installation of 10 dining chairs with fur coats sewn on to the back was nominated to win the prize.

and eventual winners:

Assemble - with a regeneration scheme for derelict houses in Liverpool.

Hard at work - 'Assemble' - assemble! ...just doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?

Assemble winning the prize has been met with some controversy as some critics are arguing that the entry should not be eligible as it is not modern art. Author and broadcaster, Muriel Grey said that whilst the entry was 'socially responsible' and a 'beautiful piece of architecture' it was not modern art in her opinion.

And yet, overwhelmingly, it would seem, the Twitter sphere has got behind Assemble and has praised the judges for awarding the prize accordingly. 

hugely excited about Assemble winning #TurnerPrize, a move away from artist narcissism and a good day for art+design+archt+social projects

— ₥ Plummer-Fernandez (@M_PF) December 7, 2015

Many congrats to Assemble on their #TurnerPrize win! Back in 2014 we gave them an Icon Award https://t.co/WGFZiI5PrL pic.twitter.com/xsXo7NCR94

— Icon magazine (@iconeye) December 7, 2015

#TurnerPrize #assemble truly changing minds & society. That's what art should do. Well done.

— Dr Yathish Rangappa (@YathishRangappa) December 7, 2015

Here's hoping #Assemble nail the #TurnerPrize. It needs a shakeup. A controversial yet accessible & inclusive winner would be most welcome!

— Mark McClure (@markmcclureart) December 7, 2015

Personally, I like that Assemble won the Prize.  As much as I don't know much about modern art (and have never purported to, I might add!) I like the message behind the art.  I like that it has involved so many people and has made a bigger and lasting difference than just an exhibit for a few days.

I like the thinking behind the art and the fact that people went out and made it happen and that it was a positive message being spread.  

But, what would I know? I thought Banksy was a restaurant in London for months.

&&Fin.

If You Can Dream It, You Can Do It

That Time We Discussed Real World Change

What The Buzz: #DoItDay

So Monday afternoon rolled around once more and I found myself chewing absently on the nib of my pen, unbeknownst to me, ink smearing across my lips, and I suddenly realised that I had not looked into the trending topics of the week.

My bad, readers.

But, fortunately for us, I stumbled across the hashtag #DoItDay.  This intrigued me (mainly because the others were Star Trek, Remi Garde and School of Christmas.  Not that I have anything against Star Trek but I don't feel I know enough to do the fandom justice, I have no idea whether Remi Garde is a person or a delicious pastry and finally, I refuse to discuss the glorious festivity that is Christmas until the first week of December.  I mean really.)

So what is #DoItDay?

Do It Day - missed a trick by not using Shia LaBeouf tbh.

My internet research informs me that this is a day organised by The Drum.  I have tried to look into exactly what it is that The Drum does but the correct definition has proved frustratingly elusive.  The closest thing I could come up with was 'media branding'.  The Drum deals in marketing, media and advertising if their website is to be believed but it appears to have its fingers in many other pies.  There are articles, an awards ceremony, various insights into the marketing industry and, what we are looking at, the Do It Day.

This is not the first day that they have organised, previously came the Plan It Day (title seems somewhat self-explanatory).  The Do It Day brought together a plethora of global businesses in order to implement global change and show that changes for good can really happen in one day through the power of social media and marketing.  The activities were planned on the afore-mentioned Plan It Day and the results were posted on social media all day.

One of the most successful campaigns of the day was planting 10,000 trees which was a challenge set by Dennis Publishing.  The deal was, every time someone posted a picture of a tree or what a tree meant to them via email or tweet, a real tree was planted in the Heart of England forest.  An incredible challenge made even more amazing when you discover that they pulled it off.  Thanks to over 200 volunteers, this brief was filled and 10,000 new trees were planted on Monday 2nd November 2015.  This is an incredible accomplishment and something that The Drum and the other Partnered companies should be proud of.

This hashtag is also something that personally intrigues me as part of Team Socially-M which deals with social media for businesses.  Perhaps next year Team Socially-M will be involved in such a fantastic day.  Watch this space I guess!

I think the Do It Day is a great project and seems to have brought lots of big brands and companies together to be the change for 24 hours.  The organisation and the planning behind the challenges doesn't bear thinking about and the amount of volunteers that got involved definitely restores my faith in humanity.

And after a rather hellish Monday in the office, it's always nice to be reminded of the good in the world.

If you get a chance, check out more of the Do It Day challenges here and let me know in the comments which brief is your favourite.

Until next time, dear readers!

&&Fin.