Maybe Christmas, the Grinch Thought, Doesn't Come From A Store

That Time We Rated Christmas Adverts

It is 5th December and I have already worn my favourite Christmas jumper twice.

Yes, dear readers, the time of mulled wine, mistletoe and mince pies has returned.   2016 certainly seems to have flown by.  It seems like only yesterday a 7 year old was telling me I looked 35.

Not that I'm still bitter about that or anything.

Obvs.

Harrumph.

In any event, Christmas is in the air - X Factor had the Christmas themed show, I have attended a Christmas fair and I have even wrapped Christmas presents.

Plus, I got to go and visit the Boyfriend on board his cruise ship when he came back to Blighty for a day.  So turns out Christmas wishes do come true.

Yeah I know. That was too sickly sweet even for me.

Not to mention our television screens have once again become the very public battleground for the annual war for the best Christmas ad.

I think we will all agree that John Lewis have had the edge for the last few years which all started with The Long Wait and a little boy who could not wait to please, please, please get what we wanted and appears to have ended (for me) with Monty the amorous penguin.  (Sadly, the Man on the Moon did not make a particularly strong impression on me last year - sozlol).

However, other companies have certainly upped their game in recent years.

In light of this, I thought it only appropriate that we go through and rank the current gladiators stepping up to do battle this year.

Since we have mentioned them already, it seems only fair that our first entry is this year's John Lewis ad:

5. Buster the Boxer - John Lewis

This year's John Lewis offering was the rather sweet tale of Buster the boxer wanting to jump on a trampoline.

And...there isn't much more to it than that to be honest.

The woodland animals are cute in an overly CGI'd kind of way and the music is the melancholy leading to uplifting score we've come to expect from John Lewis.  But there was just something that didn't quite click for me.

I don't know what it is but it just doesn't seem on par with some of the John Lewis adverts of years gone by.

Although this is possibly the best parody I have seen since Cassetteboy vs The Bloody Apprentice.

Yeah...reckon they would have been higher up the list if the Trump/Clinton version was the official advert.

4. Home for Christmas - Waitrose

And in at number 4 is John Lewis' sister company: Waitrose.

This advert frustrates me because there is a lot I'm willing to do for a good mince pie (watch it, now!) but this is just taking it to extremes! Plus, points are lost because when I first watched this advert I thought the gruff sailor man had actually stamped on the robin.

And we all know I'm ridiculously jumpy so nasty little shocks like that are Not Appreciated.

Not to mention what is that crazy kid doing wasting good, Waitrose mince pies on the bird table?! I have watched birds eat worms and this kid is chucking out a whole mince pie?! And looks to be replacing it every day?!

Do they not realise how expensive Waitrose is?

And how 'experts' have predicted that the price of the average British shopping basket is set to triple following the fall out from Brexit?

Not still bitter about that either.

Harrumph indeed.

3. The Greatest Gift - Sainsburys

Ah, Sainsburys.

This is an impressive work of stop-motion animation and therefore deserves a fairly high spot on the list.

There is something very British about this advert - is it the soft voice of James Corden? Or taking the proverbial Michael out of our unreliable train services? Or the awkward wedging in of the 'that's so 2015' twerking?

In any event, it looks great, sounds great, includes an amazing cross-section of society and has a great message for the Christmas holidays.

...Or does it?

Whilst I wholeheartedly agree with the message that the best gift people can give is their time (that fact that I'm Very Poor as you all well know has nothing to do with this sentiment) and spending quality time with friends and family is what Christmas is all about, Sainsburys don't seem to practice what they preach.

Sainsburys will be open Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day and the following bank holiday.

Turns out the greatest gift you can actually give this year is super discounted turkey on December 26th according to Sainsburys.

Boxing Day sights: poor university students as far as the eye can see...

Boo, Sainsburys.  You lose points for this.

2. The Sing Song - TK Maxx

Well, if this week's Apprentice episode taught us anything it is that British people love anything random.

More like Lord Sugar has lost his mind.  Seriously, he has to pick his business partner from this sorry bunch?! (That's another Blog Post I suppose.)

TK Maxx has possibly the most random advert out there.

It's not warm and sentimental.

Or humorous and light hearted.

No; it's just...bizarre.

But it still brings a smile to my face when I see it.

And if you haven't done the claw hand clap at the end of the advert then you are Wrong.

1. Christmas with love from Mrs Claus - M & S

Now this has everything.

Warring siblings, an old happily married couple, a cute dog, a sad and untimely loss, gadgets, a sassy heroine, a secret only the audience knows, a happy ending and those glorious looking mince pies not left out for the birds.

Plus bonus points for 50 Shade of Red.  I see what you did there you saucy minx, Mrs Claus!

It's a winner in my eyes.

The only thing missing was a cheeky wink right at the end but I suppose we can't have everything now, can we?

This is my number 1 because I am only slightly not ashamed to admit that the first time I saw this advert, it brought a tear to my eye.  It feels really Christmassy, it features The Big Guy himself in a non-conventional way and feels modern and traditional at the same time.

This is a really subjective list, obviously, and I'm sure that many of my dear readers will have conflicting opinions but I think we can all agree that no Christmas advert list would be complete without the classic:

NOW I'M FEELING CHRISTMASSY.

Ahem. Or whatever.

Now some of you keen eyed readers may have noticed that Tesco is conspicuously missing from this list.  Tesco did not submit one big Christmas advert and have instead opted for several shorts featuring Ben Miller and his long suffering Tesco wife Ruth Jones.  Clearly, Tesco did not have the big budget that the other supermarkets managed to rustle up.

Maybe Tesco's kids have been leaving Waitrose mince pies out for the birds and now they can't afford big budget adverts.

Who knows?

Anything is better than the garbage Very.co.uk have vomited out this year.

Call it a poor man's 'The Long Wait' or what...

Eurgh.  I think that advert just gave me cavities.

Finally, honourable mention goes to Lidl for their rather sweet Kevin the Carrot ad:

I rather liked this one but the reason it didn't make the top list is because it felt too similar to Sainsbury's advert from 2015 about Mog's Christmas Calamity involving a rather clumsy feline.

Still, who can argue with the calming voice of Jim Broadbent?  He is one of the few people in this world that could make a poem about a carrot feel enchanting and whimsical.

Although, how I will eat my Christmas veggies now, I do not know.

Thanks, Jim.


Anyway, hopefully this Blog Post has put you in the Christmas spirit (even if we have just ripped the Christmas ads to pieces).  And let's just hope we can get through this holiday period without getting too bored of the same 5 adverts being repeated over and over again on TV.

Although if they want to just play Clinton/Trump on repeat that would be fine with me.

&&Fin.

Wilderness Is Not A Luxury But A Necessity Of The Human Spirit

That Time I Went To A Hippy Dippy Festival And Cried (Twice)

Hello, dear readers.

I am in a state of peace-like zen.  Partly due to the lovely weather:


But mostly due to Wilderness Festival.

Wilderness is a festival in Cornbury Park, Oxfordshire this year from 4th August to 7th August 2016.  This year was the sixth season it has been running and, my word, did they pull out all the stops.

When Wilderness was first created in 2011, it was described as a festival to celebrate the arts and the outdoors. The self-proclaimed ideal was to "bring together reciprocal talents, passion to build transformative experiences with a deep love of artistry and artisans."

Which all sounds a bit pretentious written down in black and white like that.

BUT, it was amazing.

Between music, dancing, tequila shots, yoga, bubbletea, Moroccan lamb wraps, making your own jewelry, adventuring into the forest, talks, wild swimming and Portaloos as far as the eye could see...there was never a chance to be bored.

Just have a look at the basic programme if you needed more convincing!

And, because I'm a lovely person, I thought I would share my experience with you all, dear readers.  So you can relive the magic as if you were there.

Thursday

Late.  I am always late.

However, Thursday I was actually up, packed and on time, wearing my wrist band, deciding whether I was cool enough for a bumbag (or if not whether I could get away with wearing one 'ironically') and waiting for my friend (who we shall lovingly call "Ker-Bear").

A selection of the goodies the Amazon fairy brought...

Ker-Bear was not so on time.

So, whilst I waited for her arrival the Glorious was treated to a much-needed clean given the amount of bird poo that adorned the passenger window, door and left hand side of the windscreen.

Beauty!

(As an aside; there is a very poorly bird near the BF's house that needs medical attention. Stat.)

In any event, Ker-Bear arrived and we promptly packed the Glorious to get under way.

Away we go!

Upon arriving at Cornbury Park (after one hilariously wrong turn), we soon came to the conclusion that we I had brought a lot of stuff.

And therefore Mathilda the Trolley was necessary!

My new best friend.

After about 40 minutes of unpacking, convincing the security man at the gate that we had really stuck to the alcohol limit (and his look of incredulity that someone actually abides by festival rules - lawyers #amiright), we had managed to organise our home for the next three nights.

Not too shabby!

After a brief respite, we decided to go for an explore into the Festival arena.  I did not realise how much space the Festival would cover.

Ker-Bear has an UP wrist band that tracks her steps over the day and tells her how much exercise she has done (I will not be getting one as I don't need any more things in my life explicitly showing that I am exceedingly lazy tyvm). And each day we would end up walking about 20,000 steps.  Which I'm sure doesn't sound too impressive until you realise that Ker-Bear's target was only 11,000.

We wandered around to get our bearings and decided on some key activities for the weekend:

1. Make your own silver ring;
2. Enter the Spirit Forest walk; and
3. Yoga at some point in time.

When we returned to camp for an early bed time, we discovered that someone had unceremoniously pitched up pretty much in front of our door.

At first, we didn't mind as it meant that at least no one was going to pitch their tent any closer so we still had a bit of space for our chairs and the camp mates seemed friendly enough.  So we assumed that this was a Good Thing.

Oh, how wrong we were.

Friday morning 3.00am

SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUTUP.SHUTUP.

It's amazing how quickly that mantra makes you feel like you are going insane.

The Camp Mates turned out to be Camp Horrors.

From 12-3am (ish) they screamed, shouted, played music and in general just were raucous (NOT what we had been expecting from such a Hippy Dippy festival thank you very much).

The true ramifications of this un-Godly behaviour would only become apparent to me in the respectable hours of the  morning.

Actual Friday morning 

(6.30am - the dawn light has arrived.  Inside a tent the condensation has started to gather and the occupants are acutely aware that the sun is definitely shining as they are cooking like boil in the bag rice. Lights up on a dozy AJ) 

KB: Amy? (From the other side of fly netting)

AJ: Yeah?

KB: I'm going to go for a shower and see what they are like.

AJ: Mm-hmm. See you later.

(KB toddles off in search of warm water.  Half an hour later KB returns and AJ is fully awake)

AJ: Alright, KB? Did you sleep okay?

(KB stares at AJ in horrified disbelief.  Her expression is clear 'Is that supposed to be some kind of sick joke?'  AJ belatedly senses the storm coming her way and braces for impact) 

KB: Right, let's just start this off with: I'm not a morning person anyway. So I'm already not happy. But I think I got about 2 hours sleep last night because of these idiots next door. (AJ refrains from pointing out that they are in a tent and The Idiots Next Door can probably hear this conversation fairly clearly). And I'm pretty sure they were doing drugs.  I heard them talking about coke and lines so that's fun. (AJ also refrains from pointing out that that is probably why they were awake so late.) And I was absolutely freezing (AJ refrains from pointing out that she had previously warned KB about the cool night temperatures. AJ is impressed with her ability to filter brain to mouth so early in the morning). And at one point about 3am I genuinely thought 'I can't do this and Amy is going to have to take me home'.  So no, I did not sleep okay and I feel shit.

(AJ ponders this for a moment and is slightly alarmed by KB's response as she is distressed and KB  is AJ's friend. Because AJ is the British-est thing to ever have Britished the next sentence pops out almost unthinkingly)

AJ: Well...shall we have some breakfast and a cup of tea? That might make you feel better.

(So they do.  And because KB is also the Britishest thing to ever have Britished; it works).

After (magic-weekend-saving) breakfast we headed into the festival with our picnic blankets and our water bottles.  First item of the day was Enter the Spirit Forest.  We went to the meeting point and saw lots of people milling about so we joined their group and followed them into the forest.

Where we entered the Land of the Fae and attended the Wychwood Ball by mistake.  Which we were supposed to pay for.

Whoops.

But it was awesome - it made us laugh, it made us me cry and it was a great start to what had not been a good day so far.

Also there was a really straight tree and KB was slightly worried by the amount of tree comments I made throughout the weekend.

Next on the to-do list was make our silver rings.

After we had bashed them with some hammers... #noshavingabovetheknee

The finished product!

Friday night we ended up watching Robert Plant for a while before meandering amongst the other bands and dancers that were around the Festival. We also marvelled at all the guests' clothes - the feathers, sequins, face paints and the bare legs.

Seriously, how do people survive the cold nights in shorts and crop tops!?  This is a mystery that I will never solve.

Because we are old people, we stripped off our multitudes of jumpers, I handed KB jogging bottoms and a fleece and we were in bed by 11pm.  Hoping for a slightly less disturbed night's sleep.

It was not to be. dear readers.

...To be continued.

(This is already a fairly long Blog Post so I will do Part 2 and 3 (Saturday and Sunday) in a separate post.)

&&Fin.

Art Is the Lie That Enables Us To Realise The Truth

That Time We Discussed Modern Art

What The Buzz: #TurnerPrize

So....art.

I am notoriously bad at this.

Which only serves to frustrate me more as I don't understand how anyone can be 'bad' at art as surely it's entirely subjective?

And therein lies my problem; I am overly analytical about how I should even be viewing various art.

And already the complications begin.

Me wandering around the National Gallery and rocking an awesome pixie/bowl cut.

In any event, a trending topic on Twitter this week was the Turner Prize which was (SPOILER ALERT!)  awarded this evening to a group called 'Assemble'.

The Turner Prize (for those, like me, that had no clue) is an annual prize awarded to a British visual artist aged under 50. The award started in 1984 and represents all forms of media.  The prize is often surrounded by controversy including celebrity guests swearing (tut tut Madonna) and criticism of a piece which involved preserving a shark in formaldehyde, 

I wasn't joking about that.

So this year's short list was as follows:

Bonnie Camplin - who created a supernatural study center which showed interviews with people claiming to have had paranormal experiences/meetings.

Janice Kerbel - with an avant-garde, acapella 24-minute opera about a fictional character named Doug.

Nicole Wermers - whose installation of 10 dining chairs with fur coats sewn on to the back was nominated to win the prize.

and eventual winners:

Assemble - with a regeneration scheme for derelict houses in Liverpool.

Hard at work - 'Assemble' - assemble! ...just doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?

Assemble winning the prize has been met with some controversy as some critics are arguing that the entry should not be eligible as it is not modern art. Author and broadcaster, Muriel Grey said that whilst the entry was 'socially responsible' and a 'beautiful piece of architecture' it was not modern art in her opinion.

And yet, overwhelmingly, it would seem, the Twitter sphere has got behind Assemble and has praised the judges for awarding the prize accordingly. 

hugely excited about Assemble winning #TurnerPrize, a move away from artist narcissism and a good day for art+design+archt+social projects

— ₥ Plummer-Fernandez (@M_PF) December 7, 2015

Many congrats to Assemble on their #TurnerPrize win! Back in 2014 we gave them an Icon Award https://t.co/WGFZiI5PrL pic.twitter.com/xsXo7NCR94

— Icon magazine (@iconeye) December 7, 2015

#TurnerPrize #assemble truly changing minds & society. That's what art should do. Well done.

— Dr Yathish Rangappa (@YathishRangappa) December 7, 2015

Here's hoping #Assemble nail the #TurnerPrize. It needs a shakeup. A controversial yet accessible & inclusive winner would be most welcome!

— Mark McClure (@markmcclureart) December 7, 2015

Personally, I like that Assemble won the Prize.  As much as I don't know much about modern art (and have never purported to, I might add!) I like the message behind the art.  I like that it has involved so many people and has made a bigger and lasting difference than just an exhibit for a few days.

I like the thinking behind the art and the fact that people went out and made it happen and that it was a positive message being spread.  

But, what would I know? I thought Banksy was a restaurant in London for months.

&&Fin.

We Do Not Seize Happiness But, Rather, It Seizes Us

That Time We Discussed What Happiness Means

What The Buzz: #MakeMondayBetterin3Words

Monday.  Potentially the most dreaded day of the week.

Unless of course you work in retail and have been slogging over the 'traditional weekend' until your day off.

But for the majority of us Monday is the worst day of the week.

The weekend is over, back to work or school, and it generally marks the passing of another week.  Ah, one step closer to the sweet release of death...

Ahem.

Since people are generally so miserable (on any day ending in 'y' really) it makes me happy that Twitter has such a positive trending topic.  It got me thinking about what happiness means to different people.  And I realised that mine is really very simple.

Happiness to me is very easy to come by.  I am a naturally happy person with happy people in my life, in a good job, am able to enjoy many (too many) hobbies and am really very privileged.  I know this and this is nothing new to me but it is worth reminding ourselves every now and then just how lucky we are to live the lives that we do.

Most people will have something in their lives to be happy about, something that makes their day a little bit easier and that should be celebrated.

So huzzah! Well done Twitter for reminding us that sometimes we really only need 3 words to make it seem that little bit brighter.

Here are a few of my favourites;

Netflix and chill #MakeMondayBetterIn3Words

— IYYASSS (@DN_Fckg_Care) October 12, 2015

#MakeMondayBetterIn3Words "order chinese food"

— alvira❁ (@motherdelhi) October 12, 2015

Joffrey's still dead. #MakeMondayBetterIn3Words

— Daenerys Targaryen (@Daenerys) October 12, 2015

#MakeMondayBetterIn3Words Someone Loves You

— Trevor Donovan (@TrevDon) October 12, 2015

Choose happiness today #MakeMondayBetterIn3Words pic.twitter.com/jQ3FwmJ3lO

— Theresa Caputo (@Theresacaputo) October 12, 2015

Or my Mother's addition when I asked her what would #MakeMondayBetterIn3Words: #call it Sunday

&&Fin.

Talk Well of The Absent Whenever You Have The Opportunity

That Time I Got Way Too Attached To My Wing Mirror Spider

I am the proud owner of a classic 1999 Honda Accord.  The current market value of this car is £130 and it does not always start on the first attempt.

I have also bumped into several pillars whilst driving around implausibly small car parks so the red paintwork bears some battle scars.

Despite all this, I love my car.

And recently I had a fellow Honda enthusiast aboard. His name was Freddie. And he was my wing mirror spider.

Freddie was something of a beast and so I will admit that, initially, our friendship was born out of fear of removing his web and facing his wrath rather than enjoying his presence.  However, that was quickly rectified as I found he made my car journeys more enjoyable. 

There was never a dull car ride with Freddie on board - the first such adventure involved Freddie evicting my previous wing mirror spider in no uncertain terms after a battle to the death was acted out at the traffic lights.  Freddie was not a particularly graceful or merciful winner but it is life and death in the Honda ghetto.

Freddie travelled with me from the South coast all the way to Leicester and we became firm friends after I promised not to destroy his web if he could survive the journey. (I had hoped that travelling on the motorway at 70mph might have done my dirty work for me but alas, it was not to be.)

Freddie was made of harder stuff than I initially gave him credit for.

Not only did Freddie traverse the dangers of the M1 with me, he survived through the growing Autumnal chill, his web was broken after a particularly windy evening and he managed to swing on to the car door before quickly retreating to the safety of the wing mirror.  He became a travelling companion and it is only with a little embarrassment that I confess to talking to him during our rides to and from work.  He was a source of amusement as he started the journey clinging onto the wing mirror only to bravely scuttle out onto his web, suspended between wing mirror and car door, as we began to pick up speed.

More than once I shouted over the pulsating music as he bounced around in the delicate looking strands: "FREDDIE, YOU NUTTER!!"

Until, one fateful evening, I am sad to report that Freddie took one risk too many.

Travelling up the M3 after a particularly hellish day at work, I watched as Freddie's web flailed, the whole construction waving wildly in the breeze. When, suddenly, the web, and Freddie with it, were lost forever.

I remember blinking owlishly for several moments; convinced that Freddie would reappear on the car door.  Sadly, my wing mirror remained vacant and I realised that Freddie would not be returning this day or any other.  This had been his last ride.

Freddie, wherever you are, (spider Hell probably after your vicious attack on the previous tenant of my wing mirror), you are sorely missed.

#neverforget

&& Fin.

To Send A Letter Is A Good Way To Go Somewhere Without Moving Anything But Your Heart

Day 6 - That Time I Did Basically Nothing For A Week

I have been doing anything and everything to avoid revision, feeling guilty, doing an hour of revision and then repeating the whole filthy cycle all over again.

It is not healthy.

Three good things have happened this week:
1) Passed EU External Relations with 70%. This is incredible because I didn't think I would pass and, when I read the paper, I didn't understand one of the questions!!

2) Passed International and Comparative Criminology with 90%! I literally squee-ed when I read that. (And I may have got Heart radio to congratulate me on air too. I'm not a nerd.)

3) Was reunited with my beautiful, amazing house mate. =D (Although this came with a warning from her boyfriend not to be a homewrecker. =/ Didn't realise I gave out the lesbian vibe quite that much. Should definitely work on reigning that in.)

The rest of the week has been filled with mundane chores and eating. But something did really make me smile which was organising a reunion to Guildford with my ex-flat mates and friends. So we've arranged to all go up on a weekend in February and catch up which will be amazing. I am so excited about it that I had a dream about it the other night.

It has been far too long since I last saw them all.

And it's nice to know that, despite everyone going off and doing their own thing and not seeing each other for nearly 6 months, everyone was really keen to get together and spend some time together. I managed to see most of them at some point over the summer or Christmas but I know that a few of them haven't seen each other since last June. Which is a really long time to not see someone who you used to see every day when you fought to get in the shower! It's not like we haven't all kept in touch over the past few months - it sounds really old fashioned but I've been writing letters to people and it's been a lovely way to catch up with what people are doing without that impersonal, anonymity of facebook. Facebook often just feels like the easy way out when trying to catch up with friends so it has really meant a lot to me that people have bothered to send me things in the post.

If I'm honest though, this rant has just helped me avoid revision for 15 minutes so I should probably stop and actually get to work.

Or I could go and clean the kitchen, organise my sock drawer, doodle aimlessly....

&&Fin

A Thief Passes For A Gentleman When Stealing Has Made Him Rich

Day 2 - That Day I Cried My Eyes Out

Too shocked to type much.

Someone (some thieving, scumbag, waste of society) has stolen Hoj's seat cover.

This is just too depressing.

Excuse me while I eat lots of chocolate, get fat and mourn the loss of my flowery seat cover with my distraught bicycle.

&&Fin.

Cyberspace; A Consensual Hallucination Experienced Daily By Billions

Day 1 - That Time I Decided That A New Year Meant A New Day Count

It is 2011 - a new year and new opportunities are waiting. I went home for Christmas and it was wonderful to be back. It made me realise how much I had missed my friends and family. It also made me realise how much I want a good degree and how I need to seriously get my act together if I am going to deserve one. I'm back in the Netherlands now and, after getting through my 'first day' chores (which included food shopping, showering, tidying my room etc etc), I have managed to study my week 1 War and Peace lecture slides.

This is a good start for me.

I was also struck recently by the realisation that the majority of my generation really don't know how to treat/communicate with other people. I was only home for 10 days and yet this applied to at least 3 separate occasions where I was left quite speechless because of other people's behaviour. And, before I sound like an old woman that is just taking a pop at the youth of today, it's not just people in my age category either. My University has been absolutely terrible in terms of keeping its placement students updated with what is happening at home/about second placements. I also had a telephone interview recently to work with some barristers and, not only did they call me over an hour late, they spoke to me for about 10 minutes and mostly about the fact that the man's parents were stuck in Heathrow.

It wasn't a particularly impressive display of professionalism.

In this day and age, with mobile phones and facebook and instant messages, people seem to have forgotten actual, conversational courtesy. I recognise that I am ranting about our dependence on technology in an online blog but when I was at home I refused to go online for longer than a few minutes to check my personal emails and then I went back to my family.

And, actually? It was rather liberating not checking facebook every few minutes, not trawling through junk mail in my inbox, not making idle small talk with people I haven't physically spoken to in over 3 years.

If I didn't think it would make me a complete social outcast, I would delete my facebook right now and be happy about it.

(This rash decision would later be followed with floods of tears since most of my photos are saved on facebook and not backed up anywhere else. So I'm just as dependent on the internet as the best (worst?) of them. Irony; thy name is facebook.)

&&Fin