That Time I Spent Easter Weekend Forcing Chocolate On Unsuspecting Herefordians
There are what we call 'brown trouser' moments in this mad ride we call life.
These can include (but are not limited to) watching a motorcyclist almost fall off his bike in front of your car, the moment before you think you are about to be bitten by a dog and meeting your new boyfriend's friends and family for the first time.
I, for reasons I am still uncertain of, experienced all three in the space of 2 days.
And, for your enjoyment, dear readers, I have documented some of my adventures herewith.
You. Are. Welcome.
In order to maintain some semblance of anonymity we shall call the new boyfriend Apollo (aka Lee Adama and BF) because a) we are not above stroking the new boyfriend's ego occasionally; b) it somehow seemed very appropriate; c) I can then be Starbuck (because I say so); and d) reasons.
NB: Some of the following circumstances and conversations may have been dramatized (slightly) for humorous effect.
Wednesday - Eve
HouseMate: ...Amy?
(HouseMate pushes open bedroom door to reveal AJ frantically emptying her wardrobe onto her bed). ...What'cha doing?
Me:
(Breathing heavily and slightly wild around the edges) I don't know what to pack! Why do I not own any clothes?!
HouseMate: ...err...you own lots of clothes?
(HouseMate looks pointedly at the piles of clothing currently threatening to tumble off the bed)
Me: Okay, let me rephrase, why do I not own anything that isn't either ridiculously formal or horrendously slutty?!
HouseMate:
(Clearly wonders if this is a trick question) Because you're AmyJay?
Me:
(Is not amused) Not. Helping.
HouseMate: Okay, okay calm down. We will find something. What is the occasion?
Me: Okay, meeting the parents, brother's birthday lunch the next day then 'a night out in the countryside' whatever that means and Easter Sunday.
(AJ waits with baited breath for HouseMate's pearls of wisdom).
HouseMate: Right, well jeans and a nice top then.
Me:
(Visibly deflates) I don't have nice tops; I have work clothes or backless dresses ....This is impossible, I'm going to cancel. Do you want to push me down the stairs or something? Need to make it believable...
HouseMate: Don't be daft; look wear this blazer and these jeans and....WHY ARE YOU PACKING THAT TEENY TINY RED DRESS?!
Me: Err.....Just in case?
HouseMate:
(Deep breaths) Step away from the suitcase, Johnson.
(HouseMate proceeds to re-pack entire suitcase with suitable items of clothing whilst AJ, who should be taking notes, fiddles with a make up bag the size of a small holdall and wonders just how much nude eyeshadow one really really requires for a 2 day trip.)
Friday
Apollo and I leave his flat to make the treacherous trip to the frozen wastelands of the North (read as Hereford) and, having checked Google Maps I can see that the journey should take about 2.5 hours (ish).
Until BF announces that he needs to take the motorbike North in order to try and fix it up a little bit. Which also means the motorway is a no-go.
So the back roads in convoy it is.
Whilst the drive was undeniably lovely (the sun was shining, I was singing along to one of my cheesy Spotify playlists, Apollo was pulling silly faces at me in his wing mirror and the scenery was incredible), we arrived at our destination circa 5 hours after we had set off.
5. Hours.
Not to mention the fact that at about 4.5 hours in to our journey (which, admittedly, had been somewhat fraught with the motorbike deciding to randomly indicate hither and thither with little encouragement from BF and me being unable to navigate tiny country roads in the Glorious Accord) we encountered one of those 'brown trouser' moments I mentioned previously.
Going round a rather tight bend in the road, I was merrily singing along to Jet which promptly ended on a somewhat strangled gasp as I watched Apollo slide round the corner - literally. The back end of the bike seemed to slip on the road and BF (instinctively, I assume) put his foot down whilst still travelling at about 20 mph.
This was Not A Good Plan.
As I watched I genuinely thought he was going to come off the bike which would have been bad enough in its own right, but that I was then going to make raspberry jam out of him on the road.
Somewhat awkward meeting the parents as you try to explain just why their son's face is mashed into the front of the Glorious Accord and, here, this prosecco is for you...lovely to finally meet you?
Thankfully, this was not our fate and BF managed to regain control of the bike (albeit with a very sore ankle and bruised toes).
And so our adventure continued.
Approximately 30 seconds later (once I was convinced that Apollo was alright and not dying of some horrendous broken ankle injury) my rear view mirror promptly plopped into my lap.
Really, Honda? Really?!
*~*~*~*~*~*
Arriving at the house (and checking BF still has full function in his left foot), it becomes apparent that Commander Adama (CA) and President Roslin (PR) (aka Papa and Mama) are not home.
But the rest of the family is.
The rest of the family consists of two border collies and one terrier.
Now, dear readers, I am an animal lover. I have grown up with a dog, multitudes of cats and a variety of rodents in between.
However, I have also been the unfortunate victim of several dogs getting over excited and snapping at me. (I also seem to have a problem with Loud Sudden Noises but that is clearly a very different problem that is probably best discussed with a trained therapist and I will therefore not burden you, dear readers.) Therefore, the sight of three very excitable dogs barking at the sight of Apollo had me somewhat nervous.
Not least because one of the dogs was what we affectionately call a 'smiler'.
 |
| ...affectionate. Promise! |
Once I had got past my initial fear, turns out all the dogs were really very soppy and I needn't have worried at all.
 |
| See? What a softie! |
In any event, CA and PR arrived home and it was the weirdest sensation to meet people for the first time and greet them on the threshold of their doorway.
But even in the weird circumstances, CA and PR gave me a big hug and seemed to be pleased with my offerings of flowers and prosecco (bonus points on the board for AJ).
Although CA and PR had turned up laden with curry so my paltry offerings of tulips and alcohol paled somewhat in comparison.
In addition to CA and PR, Apollo’s Aunt was also staying for the weekend. I do not appear to be able to come up with a suitable comparison for Apollo’s Aunt so we will stick with Aunty Dearest (AD).
The five of us tucked into the Indian feast and the conversation promptly turned to ships/boating/the mysteries of that cruel mistress The Sea etc.
PR: You’d be so proud of me – this week, whilst in Guernsey, I got on a boat!
Me: Are you not a good sailor then, PR?
BF: The boat is either in too deep water or too near rocks so it’s kind of a lose/lose deal for Mum.
PR: Amy, can you imagine anything worse than being on a floating village?! Just travelling around in the sea on a giant ship – yeuck. I don't like the idea of cruises at all. I can’t think of anything I would rather do less, don’t you agree?
(AJ can see Apollo grinning at her out of the corner of her eye and stifles a laugh)
Me: Well…actually I’ve already been on three cruises and have another one booked in a month so…yeah.
PR: Ah. Well then.
(AJ can sense the bonus points rapidly evaporating. The Topic of Conversation moves swiftly on and we all head to bed.)
~*~*~*~*~*~
Saturday
Today was the day that the Glorious Honda had been waiting for since it had the misfortune of being bequeathed to my fair hand.
It was time for a general check up.
Apollo has a healthy obsession with motor vehicles and therefore, like my Dear Father, was horrified to learn that I had been driving whilst the red oil light was coming on in my car. Again, my defense was that the light only came on when I went around corners but this appeared to have a similar non-pacifying effect on BF and the same vein pulsed in his forehead.
I pity the men in my life.
I was therefore instructed to present the Glorious Honda for inspection in The Workshop at 0900 hours sharp. (As this was a Saturday morning, this did obviously NOT happen.)
The Workshop is an area of patio between two stables with a home made roof of plastic sheeting (which has a bad habit of attracting dead wood spears from above) and an eye watering number of tools/gadgets which look alternately intriguing and/or dangerous.
Basically; it's a boy's playground in which we pretend serious work actually happens.
But the Honda was clearly very happy to be there and received a full oil change, new oil filter, a top up of screen wash and coolant. If she could have purred and rubbed against Apollo's legs she would have done.
(Tart.)
After much tutting and pointed looks from CA in my direction re: keeping the oil topped up so that it actually
touched the dip stick in future, I tottered off to wrestle off my wellies and get ready for lunch.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Apollo's brother, Zak Adama's, birthday carvery lunch.
Food.
Unf.
~*~*~*~*~*~
In the afternoon, Food Mountain (see above) caught up with me at about 5pm and so it was that I went for the inevitable afternoon nap that the Adama family had been predicting since they first laid eyes on my heaped plate.
As one does, I removed my glasses (now officially blind) and stripped off to clamber into bed.
I'm not sleeping in skinny jeans.
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| For reals, sister. |
I had been 'resting my eyes' for about half an hour when a voice called from the doorway.
??: Amy?
Me: (AJ slowly stirs from slumber and peers over the top of the duvet)
??: I can see one eye!
Me: (AJ cannot see who is standing in the doorway as she is still glasses-less but assumes it is the BF and begins to unravel from the duvet but then hears a giggle. AJ realises a moment before it is too late that in the doorway must be Apollo's brother and his ladylove (LL). AJ quickly rolls the duvet into an even tighter sushi roll) Err..hi guys.
LL: We just came to say goodbye as we are heading off now.
Me: Oh, okay let me just...
LL: No, no you don't need to get up, we just wanted to come say goodbye.
Me: (AJ is clearly dealing with an Internal Struggle). No, I need to get up as I have Easter presents for you both.
LL/ZA: Aw, that's so sweet. (Both parties remain standing in the doorway.)
Me: Yeah...I have chocolate for you but I am currently in a state of undress. (AJ gives a pointed glance downwards (as pointed as it can be when everything is a blur and she is squinting).)
LL: Ah, we'll give you a minute then.
Me: Ta.
And that was the moment I almost flashed my boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend.
Flashbacks of Holland and the thin curtain/balcony incident.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Saturday night was a Night Out in Hereford and, thank goodness I have a sensible and lovely HouseMate to guide me through my social events.
This meant a night in the pub followed by posh burgers and then back to the pub.
....no little red dress required.
In fact, the BF gave me about 15 minutes to get dressed and do my hair and makeup.
This was met with a somewhat withering glare once I had my contacts in and he was in focus.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Sunday
Sunday involved a lazy breakfast and then we headed back out to The Workshop.
And this time, the Honda Accord was lavished with even more attention.
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| A good old fashioned wash. She was glowing afterwards. |
After a dog walk in the woods (where we left in the sunshine but got caught in the rain, one of the dogs decided he didn't want to wear his coat any more tyvm and yet another dog decided he wanted to rip his coat off on barbed wire before we all made friends with some little shetland ponies) it was just time for lunch and then the drive back home.
As we got in the car to travel back Down South, Apollo turns to me:
BF: So do you want a one stop plan or a two stop plan.
Me: ...For what?
BF: For the drive home.
Me: Erm...for the two and a half hour drive you mean?
BF: ...err, yeah? (BF looks at AJ like she is not speaking English. AJ returns the favour).
Me: Erm, I drive to Leicester which is 3 hours on a regular basis with no stops and I was planning on doing the same today. Clearly, because I am hardcore.
BF: But there's no rush today so we could just-...
Me: HARDCORE.
After much laughing at my playlists ("Haha, Meat Loaf, Disney. ...Err....what is this wedding playlist, Amy?!" - Alarmed BF) and ONE stop for coffee (Not Hardcore), we arrived back in Hampshire having engaged in a wonderful bank holiday weekend where I had avoided flashing any family members (except maybe one particularly nosy pooch after a shower) and hadn't made a complete tit of myself by getting drunk on Saturday night and insisting people try and lick their elbows.
All in all, a successful meeting of the friends and in-laws I think.
And it can't have been too bad as they invited me back the following weekend.
Huzzah.
&&Fin.
