Better To Just Be Real. Show Up, Do Your Job And Be A Nice Person

That Time We Discussed My Declining Years and The Disparity Between Your Early Twenties and Mid-Late Twenties

Oh yes, dear readers, it's another rant.

I've come home from work, quickly demolished two glasses of wine and of course a Blog Post has been born.

Strap yourselves in; it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Buckle up now.

As I am sure I have complained about before, and as we all know, I have studied Law at University and now for some unknown reason have completed the Legal Practice Course at Law School as well.

An example of the many, many hoops I have jumped through thus far on my journey to become a badass solicitor.

Not bitter.

Obviously.

(Although my bank account is still crying from the last round of financial assault the Solicitors Regulation Authority managed to get away with.)

ANYWAY.

The next step after a 4 year Law degree, 2 years at Law School and 6 years' work experience as a paralegal/legal assistant is a 2 year training contract completed on the job and a Professional Skills Course repeating much of what I have already undertaken at Law School.

Do you understand why I have a permanent eye twitch yet, dear readers?!

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?!

The next step requires training contract applications.  Having waited several years for a training contract to plop itself down in my lap (not really sure why I thought that was a valid tactic), I have decided to take a more pro-active approach to the whole farcical situation.  Better late than never, or so I'm told.

The other night I sat down ready for application hell and discovered...well...exactly that actually.

I was half way through an application when I got to a set of three boxes that enraged me so much that I had to go and watch calming videos of people applying acrylic nail polish to calm myself down lest I fling my laptop across the room.

Oh hush, you big baby, I didn't go through with it!

The application enraged me so much that I have decided to write this Blog Post and correct the glaring errors in employers' ways.

For it is not just one application that is needlessly grueling; all applications seem to be designed to confound, irritate and otherwise perplex.

So, here are my attempts to help those misguided HR departments out there...

1. Questions to Avoid

"Why do you want to work for this firm?"

Stop, stop, stop asking me this.  The answer is, invariably; "Because you have a vacancy and I need money."

Which apparently employers don't like.  Even if it is the truth.

Case. Point.

But then why do I have to explain myself to this stranger in a dodgy pinstripe suit.  Tell me why YOU want ME, Big Partner Solicitor Person.

Apparently employers don't like that either.

The truth hurts, boo.

I know that you are supposed to say a load of buzz words that you have managed to pick out from the firm's website but, let's be honest, it's always a lie.

Is this the way we want to start this new glorious relationship, potential employer?

Oh, apparently it is because I can hear you muttering about how important the work/life balance is in this firm (normally exclusively reserved for Partners who need to spend the afternoon boozing with some clients), progression is available (after 5 years and we dangle that carrot in front of you for the whole time to make sure you work your little yoga bum off) and that our salaries are competitive (competitively shit for this over saturated market you mean).

Ah.  So lying it is then.

And they say lawyers are unscrupulous. 

2. Provide Results From All University Modules, Exams, Driving Test and All Smear Tests

I'm not saying that academic results aren't important; of course they are. Especially in a career in Law.  All I'm saying is, why do I need to provide every single result of every single exam since I was 15 years old?  I got 9 GCSEs, 4 A Levels, a University Degree and a Post-Graduate Diploma.

Do you realise how many exams that adds up to?!

I do: 53.

53 individual exam results I need to include on every single training contract application.

I mean...seriously?! Is anyone even looking at these at this point?

Apparently not.

Isn't it enough to say that I passed them? Can't I just give a vague outline instead of the actual percentage that I got in each module at Uni? (This is not an exaggeration - I have to type out the number for each exam.)

And haven't we got passed that ideal that only academics can make it in the Law world? What if I didn't excel at school but have a great work ethic, an understanding of how to handle clients without wanting to poke my eyes out with a stapler remover and the ability to click buttons in my case management system which generates all the necessary letters for me anyway...don't get me started on that last one.

I understand that employers need a bar by which to judge the multitude of applicants against but why does it need to be in this much detail? If I was a complete fraud and unable to string a coherent thought together I am pretty sure one of these institutions would have outed me by now.

No caption required.

3. My Life Is Empty and Has No Meaning

And, finally, the questions in the training contract application that lead to this Blog Post in the first place:

- List your hobbies/interests and membership of clubs
- List your involvement in the community and/or charity work
- Positions of responsibilities

I was looking at the above questions and pulled this face:-

And am just as cute. Obviously.

Hobbies and memberships of clubs? Err...next.

Involvement in the community/charity work. Umm...

Positions of responsibilities. ...my boss let's me put the clean tea towels out sometimes?

Looking at these questions blankly and scratching my head (which incidentally is turning grey because I'm old) it struck me how geared up these applications were for University students.  In fact, the only things I could include in most of these questions took me all the way back to my early twenties.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I became.  These questions started making me question my life: why wasn't I a member of a club? Why didn't I do any charity work? What did I actually do in my spare time?!

My new Facebook profile pic.

And the more I pondered, the more I thought...why the hell should I have to explain myself to you, anonymous and mystical training contract giver?

I like my life.  My life is fulfilling and fun and full of light, laughter, love, family and friends.  If I want to spend the entire weekend in my pyjamas watching Big Bang Theory or bouncing around in muddy puddles with the Boyfriend and Nessie, in what way does that affect my ability to do a fantastic job 9-5, Monday to Friday?

It doesn't and that is what infuriated me so much.  Why should I spend my time filling these boxes with guff from years ago?  What employer wants to know I joined the snow sports team (but only for the socials) or that when I had loads of free time and wasn't desperately trying to pay off Law School loans (thanks again, SRA!) I had the time and inclination to raise money for charity.  I work damn hard in the week and if I want to devote my weekends to doing nothing that is my prerogative.

My thoughts exactly Mr Puss Cat

Why wasn't there a box for 'shit you do really well at work', 'list all the jobs you've had and the experience you gained i.e. leave a URL to your Linkedin here' and 'what is the nicest thing you've done for a colleague' or 'would any of your employers have you back or would they laugh in your face and tell you to take a long walk off a short pier?'

See? I fixed your stupid application, Head of HR.

It was at this point that I put the application away for fear of typing in caps lock 'WHO THE CARES?'

Won't some magical training contract guru think about us, the aging, work weary wretches of the world that didn't get off our arses at Uni and make all these application at the appropriate time?

Please?

Pretty, pussycat please?

In light of the above, maybe it has become clearer to some of the non-Law crowd as to why I have been preparing my lap for the training contact ploppage instead of actually filling out the applications.

Or maybe it just goes to show I'm too lazy to be a solicitor.

Eh.

Paralegal for lyfe, innit?

(I didn't say any of those GCSEs were in English.)

&&Fin.

The Greatest Gift In Life Is Friendship, And I Have Received It

That Time I Discovered Reason #46783 To Be Thankful That Sam Archer Was My First True Love

Sometimes in life you stumble upon people that genuinely care about you. When you find these people, dear readers, hold on tightly.

Whether they be friends, family, co-workers, people online you will never meet.

If someone cares about you, is happy for your happiness and sad for your sadness; cherish them. They are important. And rare.

I am lucky enough to have several of these people in my life.

One of whom I have had the pleasure of knowing for 23 years. And he turned 26 this year.

In celebration of this fact, I suggested that we attend a silent disco which was being held in the Shard in London. This suggestion was met with such enthusiasm that before I even had time to 'like' the event on Facebook, I was being informed that a ticket had been purchased for me and I should therefore organise my life sufficiently to attend on 12th February.

And thus began the rather bizarre (but awesome) weekend of Amy Jay and Sammy Ay (2016).

Looking pretty respectable at the start of the night...it went sharply downhill from here

We trundled off to the Shard (well I tottered in my ridiculous AmyJay patented heels) and boogied our little bums off!

Plus the view was pretty epic. (Exhibit A)

It was an amazing night and I would recommend it to anyone - it was busy but not heaving, the drinks were actually decently priced for London and there was always something that we enjoyed singing or dancing to on one of the three channels.

(Admittedly, we spent the majority of our night listening to the cheesy red channel but I have photographic proof that we listened to the blue and green channels at least a little bit. See Exhibit A, above.)

In any event, the night was epic - we stayed until it closed - and then we headed back to Sammy Ay's flat. Sadly, this was something of an adventure all by itself as we struggled with Uber drivers trying to pick us up from outside London Bridge train station.

But we made it home eventually! (And promptly ordered pizza. London, dear readers, is open for anything at any time; including pizza at 4 in the morning. Epic.)

After eating an entire pizza to myself, I snuggled up with Sammy Ay and went to sleep, safe in the knowledge that I would not have a hang over in the morning thanks to my beer (prosecco, darling) sponge.

...not quite as dignified now!

...and then came the adventures of Sam's actual birthday.


NB: Some of the following circumstances and conversations may have been dramatized (slightly) for humorous effect.

AJ (Me): It’s your birthday today, Sammy! We are in London and I want to take you out somewhere. We can do whatever you want so have a think and let me know.

(SA ponders this prospect very seriously for several quiet moments and then gives me a Look.) 

SA: Okay…(pause for dramatic effect) Since you found out your ex was cheating on you, have you had a sexual health check up?

(AJ, blinks owlishly, laughs heartily and wonders where this swift change of topic has come from) 

AJ: Err…no actually I-

SA: That’s what I want to do today then.

(AJ gapes unattractively at SA) 

AJ: What? No it’s not! We can do anything at all – museums, touristy things, a nice lunch, cocktails…

SA: You said anything and that is what I want to do. Look, I’ll come with you and get it done too so you won’t be on your own. It will be over really quickly and then you’ll know for definite that you are okay.

AJ: But I don’t even have any-

SA: DON’T YOU DARE SAY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY SYMPTOMS, YOUNG LADY! You might have something and not know it and then you could be infertile. INFERTILE. (SA goes on a caring, Nurse-like rant about STDs and INFERTILITY whilst AJ still gapes unattractively). 

AJ: OKAY! Okay, okay we will go.

SA: Thank you. …it’s only because I care, you know.

AJ: …I know.

(SA and AJ share A Moment. Lights go down.)

~*~*~*~*~*~


So we decide to begin our day in a small, independent, in no way chain-y coffee shop whose name may or may not have rhymed with Sharstucks because caffeine, London and reasons.

Inside there is probably a 10-15 minute wait for hot drinks and there are 7 or 8 people queuing up on this drizzly, Sunday morning.

I receive my chai latte (oh, yes, dear readers, I’m one of ‘those’) with no drama and we move to exit the coffee shop.

I am safely through the door, as is the front half of SA, when I hear behind me ‘oof-blop-splash’.

Turning around, I take in the sight with horror.

SA has knocked someone’s £4.50 coffee out of their hands and it is now trickling down the street like the blood of a fallen soldier.

This is the number 1 reason why people get shanked in London. (Jointly tied with snarky Blog Posts probably.)

SA is frantically apologising to the devastated patron and offering to buy him a replacement coffee when the most London-y response of all Londoners is uttered:

Sad Coffee Man: I don’t have time for this!!

And that was that. We scampered away with our tails between our legs and my chai latte cradled protectively to my chest.

Ain’t no fool knocking this one out of my hands.


~*~*~*~*~*~


Upon arriving at the clinic in Soho, it is immediately apparent that I Do Not Know What I Am Doing when the friendly chap behind the counter smiles at me and I look blankly at SA and say (OUT LOUD) ‘What do I want?’ in a manner not dissimilar to that of a toddler ordering McDonalds with Mummy.

SA, rather despairingly, informs the man that we would like a check up each and we are promptly given a time to return in about an hour.

This leaves us with enough time to find somewhere to have lunch so we toddle off.

And eat in a small, independent, no way chain-y Italian place that may or may not have rhymed with Schmizza Exschmess.

When we return to the clinic, I have to register my details online which takes less than 5 minutes and am then handed an ominous looking tube. The friendly chap behind the counter must have taken in my wide-eyed expression of panic and taken pity on me for he was very gentle with his explanation of what would happen next.

I was to take myself off to one of the private rooms, take a quick swab (the location of which I will leave to your imagination although probably not very hard to figure out given the circumstances in which this tale is told) and then I would have a blood test.

This, all in all, did not sound too bad; I didn’t even have to pee in a cup! (Something of a disappointment given that I had held in my chai latte and elderflower fizz from lunch in anticipation of needing to provide a sample.)

SA, however, was not as lucky.

Multiple samples, a blood test and a finger prick later…

SA: You okay?

AJ: Yeah, wasn’t as bad as I thought. Just the one swab and the blood test.

SA: (anger begins to cloud SA's face)…what?

AJ: What?

SA: That’s it?! …you bloody breeders *grumble grumble* (SA puts still bleeding finger into mouth in the most dignified way he can but definitely appears to be visibly pouting).

AJ: (Trying to lighten the mood) Maybe they just didn't like the look of you?

SA: .... (Is not amused)

AJ: Okay, well, I got blood all over my new shirt though because I couldn’t stop bleeding after they took my blood test. …make you feel any better?

SA: (Mumbles around finger still in mouth) …a bit.

AJ: Good! Now, come on, let’s go buy you a plaster from Boots!


~*~*~*~*~*~


The reason this is a shining example of a true friend is thus; Sam wanted to spend his birthday doing something that solely benefited me and my health. There was nothing for him to gain in doing this, no benefit and it would not effect his life in any way whether I got checked or not. And yet, despite all of this, he was so insistent that we go because he cared that much about me and my well-being.

That is a true friend right there.

TL;DR – My friend made me go for a sexual health check up on his birthday. Hilarity ensues.

&&Fin.

If You Think Adventure Is Dangerous, Try Routine; It's Lethal

That Time We Made Some Predictions

Happy New Year, dear readers!

2016 is well and truly upon us and 2015 has been left in the dust.  I realise that over the holiday period I have been particularly rubbish with updates so I am trying to get back into good habits and good routine.

...by missing the first What The Buzz post of the year.

Ahem.

In any event, the start of a new year is always a chance for reflection and prediction. And rather than focus too much on the past year (dear readers, 2015 has been a whirlwind of an adventure I can assure you!) I thought we would cast our eyes to the future and make some deeply insightful predictions.

But not just for 2016.  That is far too mundane for All Those Books And Still Not Smart.

Let us cast our aspersions further into the future and, in hundreds of years, when this blog is found amongst the rubble (after the nuclear war, zombie apocalypse and inevitable insanity that will ensue when George R R Martin passes away without completing A Song of Fire and Ice), the people of the future will hail me as a Prophet with knowledge beyond her years.

...Maybe.

So here we go, I am now going to predict a list of things that the People of Tomorrow will find bizarre that we find very mundane - even routine you might say (not a tenuous link to the title AT ALL).

1. Waxing

Of any and all varieties.

How do they make it look so gentle?! HOW?!

I am a major fan of waxing - legs, eyebrows, bikini line you name it! But it dawned on me on the drive back from my latest appointment that it was just bizarre. I pay a lovely girl a princely sum to rip the hair from my follicles.  All in the name of beauty.

The People of Tomorrow will see this folly and laugh.

For when the nuclear winter sets in, the hairiest people will be the ones to survive.  And us hairless idiots will curse the day they ever invented the 'Brazilian'.

2. Brussel Sprouts

I personally quite like these mini vegetables.  Particularly in bubble and squeak. 

But I know plenty of people (weirdos) that force themselves to eat brussel sprouts over Christmas even though they hate them because it is The Done Thing. 

How could anyone hate these little guys? They're so cute!

The People of Tomorrow will not force themselves to eat things they do not like.

They will have developed food synthesizers that automatically inject the necessary vitamins and nutrients needed to live with receptors in their taste buds giving a realistic impression of eating. 

...or they just have a butt ton of Willy Wonka's three course gum.

Either way - food is obsolete. 

And brussel sprouts even more so.

3. Emojis

This will go one of two ways:-

a) Emojis are viewed as modern hieroglyphics and scholars spend lifetimes trying to figure out complicated phrases like

Turns out we are a very one dimensional generation...

or;

b) Emojis have replaced all meaningful communication:

Ah...young love...maybe?!

4. Plastic Surgery

Much like the lobotomies and electric shock therapy of the 20th century or when women used to visit doctor's surgeries for 'hysteria' (read as: sexual frustration), the People of Tomorrow will balk when they realise that we, as a race, are comfortable with the idea of slicing ourselves open and inserting plastic bits and bobs to enhance/shape and otherwise sculpt our physical appearance.  Liposuction, face lifts, lip plumpers will all be viewed with the same disdain by the androgynous People of Tomorrow who value personality far, far about physical appearance.

Spread love not war and all that other good stuff.

Hey! A girl can dream.

This in turn leads to sexuality no longer being a defining characteristic as the People of Tomorrow will fall in love with individual people and not a gender overall. 

Sexual relationships for the purposes of reproducing will be redundant as science will have advanced and perfected the pregnancy process so that it is no longer necessary to heave a sack of baby and goop around for 9 months in order to pro-create.  Of course, the People of Tomorrow fully appreciate that should people wish to continue this antiquated practice, they are more than welcome to. 

They just don't have to.

But back to plastic surgery...

The kind of operations people are undergoing fairly regularly haven't really been around that long and I always wonder whether there are any side effects later on down the road.  For example laser eye surgery - if I had my eyes done now, what would be happening in there in 50 years time?  Nobody could tell me because we haven't had the procedure available for that long. 

People are very quick to jump in and alter their bodies almost irreparably without really knowing whether there is any long lasting damage or latent side effects. 

Perhaps the People of Tomorrow will also share my concerns.

5. Justin Bieber

Hundreds of years into the future, Justin Bieber will be hailed as the mastermind musician of our time. 

Justin knows.

Justin will continue to rise through the charts and one day will be considered 'a classic'.  The People of Tomorrow will laugh at the blip in 2012-mid 2015 when Bieber was the butt of jokes and generally a hated public figure.  They will scratch their heads and wonder how this could have happened given his enduring popularity following the release of his fourth studio album 'Purpose'.

(I'm serious though, those songs are damn catchy. #guiltypleasure)

These are just a few of my predictions for the coming decades. 

In the meantime, for 2016 I foresee several holidays, Wilderness Festival, Comic Con and finishing Law School.

And that is quite enough for me to be getting on with for the time being.

&&Fin.

If I Create From The Heart, Nearly Everything Works

That Time We Uploaded Our First Video

So.  Yeah.

That just happened.

Our first video has now been uploaded to the great wide interwebz via YouTube.

You can view it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hcx7AWdxSM and we decided to do the Sister Tag in order to introduce ourselves.

It's a bit long and the quality is poor but yay! I'm so excited!!

Once I have moved house and have my gaming computer set up, I will be recording some game plays so hopefully they will be fun.  But in the meantime, we will be filming some of Comic Con and that will be up in the next few weeks.

If any of you do watch, please leave a comment and if you have any suggestions please let us know :D

Be there and be squared!

Peace.

&&Fin.

The Beginning is Always Today

That Time I Had A Fresh Start

So this blog has been abandoned for some time...ahem. 

Lots of things have happened since I last posted but as a great woman once said 'I never look back, darling, it distracts from the now'. 

Onto new adventures and upcoming projects then!

• I have recently been invited to join a new venture with #socially-m.  This involves a team of people helping businesses expand their reach through the use of social media.  I'm very excited to be part of this team and will be helping with photography and blog posts so keep your eyes peeled for upcoming projects!

• My sister and I will shortly be starting up our new YouTube channel entitled 'J*2'. I am super excited for this as we will be doing all sorts of crazy things and having a blast whilst doing it.  We were recently on a TV show together and had so much fun that we thought why not continue when we got home? :D So we should be doing some fun tags, gaming videos, general vlogs and we will document our trip to Comic Con.  Which brings me onto the next point...

• We are going to Comic Con in October! I went to Comic Con in London in May with a friend.  I cosplayed as a Weeping Angel and my friend went as a the Doctor (Matt Smith reincarnation). We had so much fun and lots of people stopped to chat and take pictures so it was a great day overall.  This year I am going as Jareth the Goblin King (played by the excellent David Bowie) and my sister is going as Sarah - both from The Labyrinth.  I have most of my cosplay together already so I am looking forward to donning the wig and eyebrow make up!

• As mentioned above, Sara and I were on a TV show recently where we camped in Italy and we are having a reunion with our fellow camp mates.  It should be an amazing day as the host has arranged for 3 DJs, a fun fair ride, a jacuzzi and has ordered meat from the butcher for the BBQ as well.  Not to mention he has bought a 12 man tent for us to sleep in while we stay the night!! In OCTOBER.  If I don't post after October, dear readers, it is because I am frozen somewhere North of Leicester.  After all, Winter Is Coming.

• Finally, I am shortly going to be moving house - huzzah! I am moving in with a friend and the house needs a little bit of work but we are very excited to finish our little project and start living together.

On top of all of that is work, Law School and other adventures with friends. So, as you can guess, life is pretty hectic! 

But, I am going to try to get back into Blogging and hopefully write some (fingers crossed!) amusing posts for the general enjoyment of you, dear readers. 

If all goes to plan I will hopefully be adding more posts very soon but, for now, watch this space and catch you soon! 

&&Fin.