If Music Is A Place -- Then Jazz Is The City, Folk Is The Wilderness, Rock Is The Road, Classical Is A Temple

That Time I Recounted Saturday At Wilderness Festival 2016

Hola, dear readers.  I know you have all been waiting with bated breath for the next installment of the Wilderness Blog Post.

Well...ta-da!  Here we are...nearly a month later.  My bad.

But, seriously - busy, busy life yada yada I know, dear readers, you have heard it all before.  So let us get right back in to the story.

Saturday

(In which I forgot to mention that we had tried to buy ear plugs for Ker-Bear from the many vendors around the festival only to be told they were all sold out.  But I did have some cotton wool pads so KB was able to stuff those in her ears to at least muffle some of the noise.)

Accurate representation of how cute the Ker-Bear is.  Even in the mornings.

On Saturday, we woke up bright and early to go and do mass morning yoga.

After a breakfast of tinned beans and sausages (actually the perfect wake up call), we toddled off to yoga with a change of clothes in our bags.

And then dynamic yoga occurred.

Which was amazing.

See? Looks amazing.

Apart from the fact that it was in the blazing sun and we hadn't drunk anything bar our now requisite cup of tea.

So by the end of it, KB felt faint and I was crying again.

(Don't know what is wrong with me so don't even bother asking #totesemosh #noimnotpregnantgrandma).

After a quick BubbleTea:

Seriously yum. 

We decided what to do for the day which included getting a Moroccan lamb wrap, wild swimming and going to a talk on the meaning of dreams.

And did not include me dashing off to the Portaloo every five minutes to try and push a demon out of me (#againnotpregnantgrandma). 

Regardless, we did all of the above. 

Which was made worse by the fact that I was wearing a crop top (I know, I am Down With The Kiddywinks) and I was hideously bloated during my 24 hour ordeal (#shitmaybeiampregnant). 

Thankfully, Wilderness is an upmarket kind of festival and there were portaloos everywhere with toilet paper in abundance and they were emptied regularly.  Which, I think I speak for everyone here, we were all grateful for. 

In any event (and moving away from the Portaloos (for a minute at least)) I went wild swimming in the lake which was awesome but freezing!  And I put my hair up because I am now in Swimming Mum Mode (#AGAINGRANDMA) whereby I do not want to get my hair all wet. 

This plan was foiled by the fact that I got all excited and cannon balled into the lake completing forgetting that water is liquid and can therefore be displaced by me and my giant, distended belly. 

So, of course, I instantly went completely under the water and dropped like a stone.  When, really, I should have been quite buoyant given all that gas....#tmi.

#wildswimming

Later, Ker-Bear and I wandered off in search of some intellectual discussions (and more Portaloos obvs). 

What we found was the Odditorium which was indulging in a discussion on the meaning of dreams before going on to explore The Haunted Moustache by Dr Bramwell and an enlightening talk entitled 'Big Willies' which we were assured would have visual aids. 

We didn't hang around to find out. 

Instead, the foreboding, grey cubicles were calling me name once more so off we trundled towards the tent to have dinner and buy Imodium. 

My dear, dear friends.

After taking the recommended dose (combination of counter assistant in a plarmacy + lawyer = religiously reading the instructions and following them to the letter), I was feeling much better. 

Which was a very good thing because Ker-Bear had started to become quite concerned and kept suggesting I think about driving home. 

But I couldn't bear the thought of leaving on our final evening without experiencing as much of the festival as possible.  So I pulled my big girl pants on (or off rather) and let out the squeakiest, longest symphony of flatulence I have ever had the ultimate pleasure of experiencing. 

And it was pleasurable, let me tell you dear readers.  My poor bloated stomach was quite relieved. 

(Not so sure the same could be said for the poor chap next door.  Definitely heard muffled laughter and then a hurried escape from the pod beside me.)

In any event, I was feeling much better and that meant that we had to Go Full Festival. 

Which was nowhere near as Full Festival as literally everyone else but hey! We tried.

Now, you may not believe this, dear readers, given my propensity to exaggerate and the Blog’s flair for dramatics, but I am usually what is known as The Sensible One of the group.

(Terrifying, non?)

In any event, I usually make good, rational decisions.  So it is with something akin to chagrin that I must report that, despite The Unpleasantness of earlier, Ker-bear and I headed into the festival intent on finding Tequila town and sampling the goods therein.

Tequila Town

Following a quick tequila, we wandered off to try and find The Valley which was a mystical area we had heard of but never been privy to.  After finding several dead ends and being told to turn around lots, we thought it would be better to get good seats for the Carnival extravaganza which was due to start at 9pm.

9pm came and went, dear readers.

Much like the feeling in my buttocks from sitting cross legged on the floor.

After what felt like ages (but had only really been about 45 minutes - which is a long time for old birds like us to sit cross legged) the circus started.

 

No silly captions because the photos speak for themselves.

It was incredible and Ker-Bear and I pretty much sat there with our mouths open for the entire performance.

So we were somewhat pumped to go and find The Valley as this would be the perfect way to end our weekend.

We queued up to get in to The Valley (after finally locating the entrance) and stumbled into a bunch of teenagers in booty shorts who all clearly liked the same weed scented perfume.

There were loads of people, the music was pounding, the lights were strobing.

And we promptly left after about 5 minutes.

Ain't nobody over the age of 21 got time for that.

Off we went to bed.

Sunday

CLANG. CLANG. CLANG.

That is the noise our dear camp mates woke up to at about 7.30am on Sunday morning.

That noise was us dismantling our tent/camp beds and lobbing all our metal poles together being passive aggressive due to the fact that the Camp Horrors had been making noise until about half 6.  This noise consisted mainly of screaming into each others' faces and finding this hysterical (well, from what I could gather anyway.  In no way were drugs involved.  I'm like... 90% sure.)

This plan was genius because the sun was back out in full force and everyone was just lying about outside their tents to try and get out of the heat.

Apart from one girl which I was actually growing concerned for until Ker-Bear informed me that she was breathing so I shouldn't worry.

The genius plan was somewhat foiled when one of the main offenders came over and offered to help us pack up whilst asking us about our weekend.

#awkward

We made a hasty exit and stopped off for McDonalds for breakfast which consisted of 20 chicken McNuggets for me.

...which I then re-heated and ate three days later.

Lucky I still had some of that Imodium left over!


And thus ends the tale of Wilderness Festival 2016.

After three sleepless nights, bloated stomachs, extended stays in Portaloos and the best damn Moroccan lamb wrap I've ever had, I will be doing it all over again in 2017.

#wilderness17

&&Fin.

Be Careful When You Cast Out Demons That You Don't Throw Away The Best of Yourself

That Time A Demon Tried to Crawl Out From Inside of Me

Eurgh.

I am suffering with a case of mild food poisoning, dear readers.

This is what you get for ordering an Indian takeaway from Just Eat in the middle of Leicester city centre.

It honestly feels like some evil creature is trying to escape - rather forcefully - from my poor, broken body.

This.  Right Here. #perfect

I was at Law School this weekend and had to suffer through all of Sunday with my stomach making suspicious gurgling noises and sharp pains in my side.  This did not make it easy to focus on my revision lectures (on a side note exams are now less than a month away - don't know how that happened!).

Instead of listening to what was, undoubtedly, fantastic exam advice from my knowledgeable and patient tutors, I was exercising all of my brain and will power to prevent any explosive incidences in the back of the classroom.  My stomach actually aches from all the clenching.

I made it through 5 hours of lectures and that was no mean feat, let me tell you.

...I then had a three hour drive home.

This was somewhat harder as the gaseous build up had been so intense that my stomach was now painfully bloated.  Each and every bump in the road brought me one step closer to disgracing myself.

There comes a point, dear readers, in every adult's life in which they have to admit that they are unsure whether the pressure they next feel in their nether regions is purely gas in formation or whether there may be more substance than first indicated.  It becomes a personal choice as to whether the risk is taken but I was less than 50% sure that I knew the answer and did not want to risk ruining my beloved jeans and/or driver's seat.

Besides, we all know the phrase 'farts are a bit like love...if you have to force it, then it is probably shit'.

See?!

...no? Just me? Ah.  Moving swiftly on then!

You may be relieved to hear that I did not have any embarrassing incidences on the journey home.

But my house mate did give me a somewhat strange look when I arrived home only to barrel past her throwing 'hi, talk later, bai' over my shoulder before holing myself up in the bathroom for the better part of 20 minutes.

Sweet, sweet relief.

This has been part of the Firstflier: TMI series.

You. Are. Welcome.

&&Fin.

A Thief Passes For A Gentleman When Stealing Has Made Him Rich

Day 2 - That Day I Cried My Eyes Out

Too shocked to type much.

Someone (some thieving, scumbag, waste of society) has stolen Hoj's seat cover.

This is just too depressing.

Excuse me while I eat lots of chocolate, get fat and mourn the loss of my flowery seat cover with my distraught bicycle.

&&Fin.

Here's To The Pilot That Weathered The Storm

Day ?? - That Time I Regretted Not Starving

Hello, dear readers.

I know that my absence in writing must have caused more than a few broken hearts but fear not! For I have returned with a vengeance.

The Tale of The Disconnection
Twas a cold Thursday eve
And the winter drew in
There was nought to do
But to sit and to sin.

A young girl was sat,
Her head in her hands,
For the internet was down
Along with her plans.

For she hoped she could watch
(As she was wont to do)
Some TV shows of hers
(There were more than a few).

But alas come the night
When the stars shone so gay
Her connection was gone
It had fluttered away.

Onward she battled
Through sever and gateway
But she turned to the vodka
So miserable was her day.

Then she partied all night
Danced till her feet turned blue
As she prayed that tomorrow
Her connection would be renewed.

All through Friday she suffered
Without book (face or lame),
Till she called the IT man
Such was her pain.

She knocked on his dwelling,
Filled with such dread,
For she had heard if you woke him,
He ripped off your head.

He opened the door,
She stifled a cry.
"What do you want?"
He roared with fee and with fi.

Calmly she told him
Her woes and her needs
He slammed the door in her face
And went about his dark, IT deeds.

A few minutes later,
And a few minutes more,
A muffled apology
Could be heard through the door.

"There's nought to be done."
He shrugged and he waved.
"Your internet's gone.
It cannot be saved."

Beaten, defeated,
The girl returned home
Where the only thing to do
Was to whine and to moan.

"Unhelpful wretch!
What on earth shall I do?
I have a project on Monday
And I'll miss Smallville too."

The weekend came
And the weekend went
She was ready to demand
A reduction of her rent.

In her hours of seclusion,
Cut off from the world
She managed to get through
An entire series of Gossip Girl.

But Monday came
And the IT man did too
"Turns out it's just your IPv6
It'll be as good as new."

The girl rejoiced
Her luck was finally in,
But her stomach lurched
When she saw IT man grin.

"Yep, reconnected
In a day or three.
That's what you get
For awakening me."

He left with a chuckle,
The girl still without power
So she sat down and counted
Every minute, every hour.

Lucky for her
(And her sanity too)
She was reconnected Tuesday
And she had much to do.

There were programs to watch
And emails to write
And secrets to keep
Of the events of Sunday night.

For nobody knew
That the girl was a whizz
That she hacked someone's wireless
What a cheeky young miss.

But regardless of this,
Her internet was back
So she wasted her time
Writing poetry and other cack.

=D

Yeah. Take that.
Also, I had my Anthropology presentation on Monday which could have gone worse. I think it was okay so I'm feeling quite good about that. It's weird to think though that I've had 6 weeks of lectures and I've already finished 2 of my modules for the year. Very bizarre. I'm a little worried about exams next week just because I feel like I haven't really learnt anything. And not because I haven't been working but just because it's been such a short time.

Anyway, onto other news.

Today I ran out of food. (Well, technically it was yesterday evening). So I knew I had to go food shopping. But the weather was horrible so I knew I had to do it on the way home because I wouldn't leave my house again if I got into the warm.

I picked up a few things in town and then went onto Albert Heijn and Lidl to get my food.

As I'm cycling home the wind picks up and it's been drizzling on and off all day so it started doing that again. Then, all of a sudden, there is a heavy hail storm. And I'm stuck in the middle of it with shopping bags, a wooly hat and skinny jeans.

Oh, that was a fun ride home.

Turns out the best buy of the day was not food (which I would have starved without) it was the preemptive waterproof mascara.

Bargain.

&&Fin.

Take In Laundry Before You Take In Partners

Day ?? - That Time I Made Some Stupid Decisions

I know, dear readers, it is a rare day when I make a stupid decision but, alas, that day has arrived.

Money is not the root of all evil. Alcohol is. I'm pretty sure that should be made official because not many people would disagree with me.

Moving swiftly on...I did laundry today.

Well...I tried. It's taken me roughly 5 hours to complete this gruelling mission. I don't think I could tell you why in all honesty because it's all blurred into a hazy, lint-filled memory. The washing machine was fine until it decided to lock the door at the end of the cycle and refuse to give me back my clothes. I waited for over 20 minutes for it to stop having a hissy fit and finally give up.

Then there were no spare dryers.

This wouldn't annoy me so much if there weren't 3 dryers filled with dry clothes that just haven't been collected. I decided to be nice. So instead of taking the dry clothes out and dumping them on the 'collection' table I went back to my room with my wet clothes and decided to wait for half an hour to see if these clothes were collected.

They were not.

Eventually I managed to find a dryer that was empty.

It didn't work.

Normally this wouldn't be such a big deal but I had just washed my only set of bed sheets so they kind of needed to dry in order for me to catch some zzzs later.

Some time later (I forget how long because I was so busy pouting about it) I found a dryer that worked and was empty. Huzzah! For a building of 300 people I feel that 8 dryers may be pushing it a little on the availability front.

I'm kind of missing home and the magic washing machine fairy.

AKA Mother.

&&Fin.

Honour Among Thieves

Week 3 - That Time I Almost Lost Him

Shock, horror, gasp!

Someone tried to steal Hoj today.

Yes, dear readers, note the 'tried' of that sentence. The bad men/women/people were foiled in their evil plans! I discovered their foul plot when I went to unlock Hoj and lift him out of the bike rack.

And the front wheel fell off.

These evil fiends/crack heads/baddies had unscrewed the nuts on the front wheel in the hopes that they could take the frame and leave the front wheel behind (as is the done thing, or so I hear). It's almost like a taunting calling card: 'haha, I have your bike but here's the wheel so you can cry over it and have a proper burial.'

Anyway, they would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for my meddling bike lock. Which I wrapped around the frame, wheel and bike rack. With another lock on my back wheel.

Boo ya sucks, bike thieves.

Bring it.

Day ?? - That Time I Took Back Everything

My sister is 18 years old, off to Uni and dim.

She wanted to post me some mail and, instead of going to the post office to get a 60p stamp to send to the Netherlands, she decided to save some time because she had a First Class stamp in her pocket.

=/

So she posted the letter with a First Class stamp on it. When I discovered this I mocked her relentlessly on Skype in order to let it sink in how truly dim this was.

After all, she needs to learn the errors of her ways.

Anyway, 3 days later I received some post. I was very excited (as one is when receiving real, in the flesh post). Then I noticed the top right hand corner.

There was a First Class stamp staring innocently up at me.

I take back every bad word I said about my sister and the postal service. She is, clearly, a genius in disguise.

Very, very good disguise but still; genius.

Also, I have been keeping myself entertained this afternoon by ... well, I'll let you judge for yourself.

&& Fin.

The Supreme Irony Of Life Is That Hardly Anyone Gets Out Of It Alive

Day ?? - That Time My Luck Turned Sour Again

Why Today Was Not Great:
1) It didn't rain (as I had predicted it would not) but it wasn't sunny either.
2) The book shop only had 1 of the 3 books I needed
3) I paid full price to have some photos printed and then discovered I had online credit that would let me print 40 for free.
4) I napped for too long and now can't get to sleep.
5) I couldn't find any stamps with which to post items back to the UK.

&&Fin.