If You Don't Do Laundry Today, You'll Have To Buy Clothes Tomorrow

That Time We Discussed Some Fashion Trends

Those of you that know me will know that I would not class myself as a fashionista.

Fashion, frankly, baffles me.

Maybe I am too boring to understand some of the trends that pop up from time to time. Maybe I find some of them too pretentious and am actually a reverse-snob. Who knows?

Normally I would not give fashion a second thought but several things have happened recently which have clothes and trends on my brain. Which, of course, only leads to The Blog. (The poor, poor neglected Blog.)

Before we get started on this list, dear readers, please be aware that the following are my opinions only and we all know what a sarcastic, vicious little brain I am harbouring. So apologies now for anyone that finds these comments in bad taste.

Comfort yourself in the knowledge that I really don't know what I'm talking about most of the time so why should a published Blog be any different?

Okay, here we go...

1. Release The Hounds

I know, I know, I thought this was a post about horrendous clothing trends that we could snigger at from behind the safety of our computer/phone screens while we spill spaghetti bolognese down ourselves too!

Bear with.

Release The Hounds: Famous and Freaked returned to our tellyboxes this week with an all celebrity special season. (To be honest, they have taken certain liberties with the term 'celebrity' but it is ITV2 and we'll forgive them for not being able to get big stars like ITV1 and the Hello Campers team.)

Anyway, for anyone that hasn't seen the programme, rest assured, there are no spoilers here.

For you lovely readers that haven't seen the show, invariably it involves a group of three drama queens that would squeal at the drop of a hat being dumped in a Lithuanian forest in the late afternoon. A grinning and undeniably giddy Reggie Yates greets the unfortunate victims for that week, hands them a bright red back pack with a walkie talkie and points them in the direction of the woods. From there, the somewhat depleted Mystery Inc gang have to solve puzzles in order to obtain a key to a chest full of money. Once they have the key they can take the money but, in order to keep the money, they have to outrun a pack of dogs.

The trick of course is that the quicker they solve the puzzle, the bigger the head start they have over the hounds.

This newest series started off with a pretty creepy bang. However, watching the show did annoy me in a slightly unusual way.

As I've explained, the main aim of the game is to outrun the dogs at the end of the tasks.

So why, oh why, do all the contestants insist on wearing jeans?!

Jeans.

More jeans.

JEANS EVERYWHERE. DID I MISS THE MEMO ON JEANS?!

Again, I'm assuming that most of these nitwits have seen the show previously (or maybe they haven't – makes more sense as to why they would volunteer in the first place to be honest) so they should know that most of the tasks involve water or liquid of some kind.

What would possess someone to run in wet jeans?

The answer is, of course, a pack of slavering, barking dogs at their heels which I suppose is sort of the point...

Anyway, this inexplicably frustrates me.

Fashion – nil points so far.

2. Sparkle Particle

Introducing ... Glitter Roots! The new way to disguise your roots. ...apparently.

I mean, is this even a thing?!

The first time I saw mention of this trend was admittedly on the Daily Fail (whoops Mail) website so it could be a load of twaddle. Like most of their articles.

But instagram seems to disagree.

I mean, just on a practical note, that looks like it would be a nightmare to shampoo out.

Whole campaigns have been based on making your hair look as flake free as possible but apparently this is The New Thing.

Don't look Head and Shoulders; you'll only upset yourself.

I can kind of understand this look for a festival (particularly Wilderness) but you're already not really washing properly and a bit sticky and covered in goodness knows what so might as well chuck on something that is at least sparkly I guess.

But imagine your Mum's face when you go home and explain that all of that will be clogging up her shower drain in about an hour.

"Oh yeah, and here's my bag of washing. What's for dinner, I'm starving!"

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love a bit of sparkle so it's not that I'm just anti-glitter but I can feel my hair retracting back into the follicles just thinking about smearing a load of that all over my scalp.

Maybe I'm just not Down With The Kids Anymore.

Afterall, I remember when we used to think this looked good.

"I'm totally ready for the school disco now!"

And all those little butterfly clips...

What exactly were those clips holding up? Probably our badly cut fringes that we instantly regretted.

You know what? The less said about hair in the 90s and early 00s the better.

Moving on!

3. Naked Attraction

On to another television show now and this one is the uncomfortable viewing pleasure that is Naked Attraction.

Those of you under 18, of a delicate disposition and/or my Grandmother, avert your gaze now.

Basically: 6 strangers stand naked in coloured pods, slowly their bodies are revealed (in reverse so from tail to top) and the contestant picks one to knock out each round by deciding which one they fancy less based on pure physical attraction.

My housemate and I ended up watching this cringe fest together with a glass of wine (alcohol consumption definitely recommended).

And the thing that struck us the most about the show was the comment that people kept making that it was 'the best way to judge someone without being shallow'.

Errr...what?!

You just dumped someone on the based only on their body from the waist down.

If that isn't shallow I don't know what is.

Apparently, the best way to 'get to know someone' and to 'judge and find someone for who they are' (nobody on the show is struck by the irony in these phrases fyi) is to have 6 strangers stand naked before you for your abrupt perusal like you are looking for your next bull at some cattle market.

“Ooh, yes, Anna Richardson, who seems to always be involved with these pseudo-sexual programmes on channel 4, his foreskin is particularly long, isn't it? I don't like.” -Somewhere offstage Simon Cowell hits a large red buzzer in the background-

(The above is almost a direct quote from the show just so you don't think I'm being disgusting.)

(Disclaimer – apart from Simon Cowell. He did not hit the big red buzzer. He likey. Or wait...is that Paddy McGuinness? Eurgh, all these dodgy innuendos are getting my pop culture references mixed up.)

Maybe I'm just a massive prude but it wasn't so much the nakedness as the almost rude comments people were making about the bodies they were presented with.

Is that a fashion these days? To have no regard for anyone else's feelings? Sometimes it really does feel that way. I'm not saying that we all need to find each other unbearably attractive; nothing would get done, but does anybody really need to hear the phrase “what other willies are you drawn to?” or “I've never seen a vagina like this...you can see a lot of it. But she does like to shave” (disappointed face) or “how do you feel about the fact that that is one hell of a hairy crack?” Again – quoting from the show here. Literally episode 1.

Again, let's be clear; it's not a problem that I have with the show itself people being naked on the telly doesn't give me the heebie jeebies but why try and dress it up to be something it's not? And why are all the comments so crude and clinical?

Did these people really need someone peering at their naked personage and passing judgement?

But then I suppose telling people what they should be wearing is just as bad.

'Murica.

Let's not even go there. That's a whole new Blog Post.

And finally, the big one, the traumatic experience that has inspired this entire post...

4. It's A Nice Day For A White Wedding

As some of you may know, I have been invited to a wedding this year.

Not only do I love a good wedding but this is a particularly special event as this is the first of my university friends to tie the knot. And it's on the day before my birthday.

I. Am. So. Excited.

And this of course has lead to the requirement for a shopping expedition. As is well established, if my house mate isn't there to dress me I am a hot mess.

Plus, I have shopping vouchers; just call me the coupon Queen.

Mother and I ventured off to find a suitable wedding guest outfit in January and found the shopping centre wanting.

The choice was awful, there was no colour anywhere (seriously what is with all the grey and khaki errrrrywhere?) and anything that was even half decent cost an arm and a leg even on sale.

We trawled through rack after rack for 3 hours and, after finding only disappointment and a lacklustre service in the Debenhams cafe (what happened to you?!), we left with only a few purchases which were actually gifts for other people.

Not quite what we had in mind.

Nevertheless, I was not deterred; namely because I don't actually have anything suitable rather than an abundance of enthusiasm for the task.

So the online shopping began.

The first thing that I noticed was that lots of websites had a very helpful section called 'wedding guest'.

'Perfect!' I hear you cry. Not so, dear reader, not so.

For within this section of clothing there was very little that was appropriate. It was either too short, too formal or too white.

Err...no, Asos, don't think the bride will thank me for this one.

When did this suddenly become A Thing?

I thought it was an unwritten rule that you were not to wear white to a wedding? Maybe this is a rule that I've made up but if your dress is more than 50% white maybe you should have a re-think.

Again, cannot stress enough, this is in the wedding guest section.

And if it looks like this....maybe skip the wedding, take a good long look in the mirror and work on you for a bit. #nojudgement #butloadsofjudgement

I mean, even Glamour agrees with me and, to be honest, that's like gospel in the fashion world.

Maybe.

I'm also against dressing all in black at a wedding. It feels a bit too funeral-y, especially when lots of the blokes only really have the option of dark, formal-wear. I like a splash of colour but, judging from the various online shops, I am wrong on this front as well.

The number of LBDs (is the wedding in a night club?) or other black dresses made me think that maybe colour is over-rated these days?

I told you I wasn't a fashionista.

In any event, the search for a decent (not even perfect! I have realistic expectations I promise) wedding guest dress continues. Goodness only knows what I'll end up wearing.

All I know is if anybody wears a white dress to my wedding they will be on the receiving end of an 'accident' with a glass of red wine.

You have all been warned.

Whoopsie! Sozlol.

I think what we have all learned from this is that I should continue to keep fashion at arm's length and everyone will be happy.

Although, if I do follow current fashion trends, I will be attending the wedding in April in a pair of white jeans, naked from the waist up, covered in glitter.

Maybe it will catch on.

#trendsetter.

Or maybe I'll finally be carted off to the loonie bin for good.

&&Fin.

Maybe Christmas, the Grinch Thought, Doesn't Come From A Store

That Time We Rated Christmas Adverts

It is 5th December and I have already worn my favourite Christmas jumper twice.

Yes, dear readers, the time of mulled wine, mistletoe and mince pies has returned.   2016 certainly seems to have flown by.  It seems like only yesterday a 7 year old was telling me I looked 35.

Not that I'm still bitter about that or anything.

Obvs.

Harrumph.

In any event, Christmas is in the air - X Factor had the Christmas themed show, I have attended a Christmas fair and I have even wrapped Christmas presents.

Plus, I got to go and visit the Boyfriend on board his cruise ship when he came back to Blighty for a day.  So turns out Christmas wishes do come true.

Yeah I know. That was too sickly sweet even for me.

Not to mention our television screens have once again become the very public battleground for the annual war for the best Christmas ad.

I think we will all agree that John Lewis have had the edge for the last few years which all started with The Long Wait and a little boy who could not wait to please, please, please get what we wanted and appears to have ended (for me) with Monty the amorous penguin.  (Sadly, the Man on the Moon did not make a particularly strong impression on me last year - sozlol).

However, other companies have certainly upped their game in recent years.

In light of this, I thought it only appropriate that we go through and rank the current gladiators stepping up to do battle this year.

Since we have mentioned them already, it seems only fair that our first entry is this year's John Lewis ad:

5. Buster the Boxer - John Lewis

This year's John Lewis offering was the rather sweet tale of Buster the boxer wanting to jump on a trampoline.

And...there isn't much more to it than that to be honest.

The woodland animals are cute in an overly CGI'd kind of way and the music is the melancholy leading to uplifting score we've come to expect from John Lewis.  But there was just something that didn't quite click for me.

I don't know what it is but it just doesn't seem on par with some of the John Lewis adverts of years gone by.

Although this is possibly the best parody I have seen since Cassetteboy vs The Bloody Apprentice.

Yeah...reckon they would have been higher up the list if the Trump/Clinton version was the official advert.

4. Home for Christmas - Waitrose

And in at number 4 is John Lewis' sister company: Waitrose.

This advert frustrates me because there is a lot I'm willing to do for a good mince pie (watch it, now!) but this is just taking it to extremes! Plus, points are lost because when I first watched this advert I thought the gruff sailor man had actually stamped on the robin.

And we all know I'm ridiculously jumpy so nasty little shocks like that are Not Appreciated.

Not to mention what is that crazy kid doing wasting good, Waitrose mince pies on the bird table?! I have watched birds eat worms and this kid is chucking out a whole mince pie?! And looks to be replacing it every day?!

Do they not realise how expensive Waitrose is?

And how 'experts' have predicted that the price of the average British shopping basket is set to triple following the fall out from Brexit?

Not still bitter about that either.

Harrumph indeed.

3. The Greatest Gift - Sainsburys

Ah, Sainsburys.

This is an impressive work of stop-motion animation and therefore deserves a fairly high spot on the list.

There is something very British about this advert - is it the soft voice of James Corden? Or taking the proverbial Michael out of our unreliable train services? Or the awkward wedging in of the 'that's so 2015' twerking?

In any event, it looks great, sounds great, includes an amazing cross-section of society and has a great message for the Christmas holidays.

...Or does it?

Whilst I wholeheartedly agree with the message that the best gift people can give is their time (that fact that I'm Very Poor as you all well know has nothing to do with this sentiment) and spending quality time with friends and family is what Christmas is all about, Sainsburys don't seem to practice what they preach.

Sainsburys will be open Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day and the following bank holiday.

Turns out the greatest gift you can actually give this year is super discounted turkey on December 26th according to Sainsburys.

Boxing Day sights: poor university students as far as the eye can see...

Boo, Sainsburys.  You lose points for this.

2. The Sing Song - TK Maxx

Well, if this week's Apprentice episode taught us anything it is that British people love anything random.

More like Lord Sugar has lost his mind.  Seriously, he has to pick his business partner from this sorry bunch?! (That's another Blog Post I suppose.)

TK Maxx has possibly the most random advert out there.

It's not warm and sentimental.

Or humorous and light hearted.

No; it's just...bizarre.

But it still brings a smile to my face when I see it.

And if you haven't done the claw hand clap at the end of the advert then you are Wrong.

1. Christmas with love from Mrs Claus - M & S

Now this has everything.

Warring siblings, an old happily married couple, a cute dog, a sad and untimely loss, gadgets, a sassy heroine, a secret only the audience knows, a happy ending and those glorious looking mince pies not left out for the birds.

Plus bonus points for 50 Shade of Red.  I see what you did there you saucy minx, Mrs Claus!

It's a winner in my eyes.

The only thing missing was a cheeky wink right at the end but I suppose we can't have everything now, can we?

This is my number 1 because I am only slightly not ashamed to admit that the first time I saw this advert, it brought a tear to my eye.  It feels really Christmassy, it features The Big Guy himself in a non-conventional way and feels modern and traditional at the same time.

This is a really subjective list, obviously, and I'm sure that many of my dear readers will have conflicting opinions but I think we can all agree that no Christmas advert list would be complete without the classic:

NOW I'M FEELING CHRISTMASSY.

Ahem. Or whatever.

Now some of you keen eyed readers may have noticed that Tesco is conspicuously missing from this list.  Tesco did not submit one big Christmas advert and have instead opted for several shorts featuring Ben Miller and his long suffering Tesco wife Ruth Jones.  Clearly, Tesco did not have the big budget that the other supermarkets managed to rustle up.

Maybe Tesco's kids have been leaving Waitrose mince pies out for the birds and now they can't afford big budget adverts.

Who knows?

Anything is better than the garbage Very.co.uk have vomited out this year.

Call it a poor man's 'The Long Wait' or what...

Eurgh.  I think that advert just gave me cavities.

Finally, honourable mention goes to Lidl for their rather sweet Kevin the Carrot ad:

I rather liked this one but the reason it didn't make the top list is because it felt too similar to Sainsbury's advert from 2015 about Mog's Christmas Calamity involving a rather clumsy feline.

Still, who can argue with the calming voice of Jim Broadbent?  He is one of the few people in this world that could make a poem about a carrot feel enchanting and whimsical.

Although, how I will eat my Christmas veggies now, I do not know.

Thanks, Jim.


Anyway, hopefully this Blog Post has put you in the Christmas spirit (even if we have just ripped the Christmas ads to pieces).  And let's just hope we can get through this holiday period without getting too bored of the same 5 adverts being repeated over and over again on TV.

Although if they want to just play Clinton/Trump on repeat that would be fine with me.

&&Fin.

Hobbies Of Any Kind Are Boring Except To people Who Have The Same Hobby

That Time We Talked About How To Enjoy Yourself On The Cheap

We previous discussed the fact that my boyfriend abandons me on the regular (aka he goes away for work). What you might not know is that I am also currently repaying a Career and Development loan (aka the Law Society fleeced me for even more money for a pointless piece of paper and I'm still not qualified. ...not bitter).

This is a qualified lawyer.  If this was a law student that statue would have been sold for food by now. Trust.

All of this means that I now need to find ways to enjoy myself on the cheap.

And thus, I have been indulging in as many free activities as possible.  These have, invariably, been a comedy of errors and therefore a Blog post is necessary.

So away we go:

1. Yoga at home

This is Adrienne.

Don't you just feel relaxed looking at her?!

Adrienne is my saviour.

I love yoga (potentially because it is the only form of exercise that I am semi-good at due to my alien, inherent bendy-ness). Previously, I have attended a yoga class in Southampton with Heather (I STILL LOVE YOU HEATHER!) which made sense when I worked in Southampton.  But now that I do not live or work in Southampton, driving to the class made less and less sense.

My YouTube skills (see Bear Grylls: Born Shiteater) led me to Adrienne.  I like that she doesn't take the practice too seriously and encourages people to find what feels good rather than sticking to what the poses should look like.

However, the major drawback to this method of yoga practice is that the teacher isn't in the room with you so you're not entirely sure you are doing the vinyasa (check me out!) correctly.  This is compounded further when you are trying to copy a miniature version of a lady on your phone screen propped up against a wall.

Anyway, because the teacher isn't in the room with you, they aren't able to correct you and/or push your limits in the best way and you end up in positions that maybe your body doesn't really appreciate.

By day 3 of the 30 day challenge, my buttocks ached in ways they shouldn't.  Although this may have had more to do with the fact that I tried to bend myself into a pretzel after several months of no exercise.  I am sure normal humans would not encounter the achy bottom syndrome that I suffered.

Hey ho, needs must and all that.

The 30 Day Challenge is a great way to get back into the practice if you have been away for a while.  The session are between 15-40 minutes so you might even be able to squeeze in some mat time before work if you are really keen.

Obviously, I will be in bed wondering what is wrong with you but don't let my judgmental eyes stop you.

Namaste. 

2. Home Waxing

This is less of a 'hobby' and more of a cry for help to be honest.

For anyone not getting my amazing Twilight references - boyfriend goes away, girlfriend endangers life and limb because "I'm an angsty teen and my life revolves around a guy - sozlol" and afterwards there is a dramatic loss of hair.

Well, I thought it was quite apt.

#isTwilightevenathinganymore

Anyway, I have previously mentioned my love for waxing so onto the step by step guide of my ordeal experience:

Step 1: Ensure Housemate has vacated the Premises.  I do not want an audience for the inevitable howls and yelps that are likely to ensue.

Step 2: Heat the wax up.  This took f-o-r-e-v-e-r.  This may have had something to do with the fact that I was melting enough wax to mould my own Madame Tussaud's figure but the wax wasn't fully melted for several hours.  In fact, my patience ran out and I started when there was still a huge solid chunk in the middle.

FYI - just as a kind of public service announcement; don't google image search 'lots of wax'.  You will be scarred for life.

You. Are. Welcome.

Step 3: Sit on the floor, on a towel, legs akimbo in a Very Unladylike Manner.

Step 4: Deep breaths.

Step 5: Use wooden lollipop stick to apply hot wax (NOT TOO HOT) to happy places.

Step 6: Allow wax to cool and harden.

Step 7: Realise that there is no going back.

Step 8: More deep breaths.

Step 9: Rip the wax off of your happy places which are now less happy and a lot more pissed off.  Hold in expletives.

Step 10: Admire handiwork and think the pain was worth it.

Step 11: Realise you have to do this like 30 more times and maybe it won't be worth it actually.

Step 12: Repeat steps 5 - 11 until you have achieved the desired baldness.

Hey, to each their own, man, amiright?!

There was a strange kind of satisfaction about the whole process. Enjoyment is not the right word; don't get me wrong - it hurts! But there is a weird compulsion to just keep going. It's like that feeling you get when you press a bruise. You know, where it kind of hurts but you can't help but do it again? ...no? I mean...me neither.

Not awkward enough to NOT write a Blog Post about though, clearly.

3. My Lego Boyfriend

My most recent project is a clear sign of my descent into madness.

But hey, what is a Blog for, if not to afford my dear readers the chance to mock me when they see me in public.

Years ago, a lifetime before Perfect Tinder Dates and Breakfast Bahjis, the Boyfriend was gifted a Lego version of himself by some work colleagues.

Here he is:

So. Cute.

Lego Boyfriend has been entrusted into my care whilst Real Boyfriend is away and we have lots of adventures planned for the next few months.

For the time being, I just wanted to introduce my Lego Boyfriend (checkered shirt and all!) and you can follow our adventures via photographs on my Instagram.  But Lego Boyfriend will also be making regular appearances on the Blog so hopefully we will be seeing much more of him in the future.

NO!

I love you, dear readers, but really.

Filthy minded the lot of you.

In light of my poverty, my friends and family have the joys of home made Christmas gifts so look forward to my fail tales of my attempts at creativity in due course.

What this whole experience, and in particular, writing this Blog post, has taught me is that...I need better hobbies.

&&Fin.

I'd Rather Lose Than Win By Cheating

That Time I Ranted On About Click Bait Articles


How To Find Out If Your Girlfriend Is Cheating On You? #12 Is Perfect!


This little gem popped up on my Facebook feed recently, dear readers.

Now I know all about lazy journalism (have you read What The Buzz lately?) but these articles are everywhere and, despite hating them, I still click on them! We've all seen them - the click bait articles that lure you in only to shovel the same old nonsense down your throat and you wonder why you ever clicked on the title in the first place.

Such was the case this time.

Although this article, for reasons that I shall make perfectly clear shortly, angered me more than most.

We all know someone or have been in a relationship ourselves which has resulted in one or both parties straying at some point. It's a sad fact of life that I can say this with absolute confidence.

If your partner does the horizontal (or vertical, or reverse, or any which way for that matter) mambo with someone else and you’re not okay with it (open relationships and all that in this day and age); that’s cheating.

(If we’re going to get really lawyer-y about it all: cheating could be defined as your partner engaging in a form of physical or emotional intimacy with another person that the reasonable onlooker would deem to be inappropriate within the defined and implied boundaries of your relationship. But we're not here to decide what makes a cheater, just how to spot them. Call me the David Attenborough of the relationship world.)

Who doesn't David?

In any event, most of us can therefore relate to this article on a personal level and I know that people really do worry about their partners roaming.

So, instead of rolling my eyes and slinking off quietly, I am going to go through the points raised in this article one by one and provide some helpful commentary/criticism.

Because n’yeah.

Firstly, let's be clear:

Say it with me now...

Now, on to the article itself:




Oh. Good. Lord.

Okay. Let's just dive right in, dear readers.

If your partner (be they male, female or anything else on the sliding scale of gender) starts dressing nicely...maybe they just want to look nice.

Did you ever think of that Witty Feed?!

Maybe they have been down the gym to try and be healthier and are feeling great. Maybe they have an event coming up and bought a new outfit. Maybe they are trying a new style. Maybe they saw something on sale and thought 'what the hell!'. Maybe they are trying to get YOUR attention. (Maybe put the book down, Teen Wolf.)

Maybe you are just a little bit paranoid.

Moving on!



I should point out before any eagle eyed readers comment on it that I haven't got my numbers wrong. This is the second point on the article even if it has #3 written above it.

Lazy journalism indeed.

I can understand why it might be concerning if your partner starts refusing to spend time with your group of friends but there could be lots of reasons for this. Maybe they are trying to be respectful of your time with your friends so you don't feel like they are constantly attached to your hip. Maybe they see it as the perfect time to spend time with their group of friends too. Maybe they were very friendly at the start of your relationship but as it has progressed they have realised that they don't have a great deal in common with your friends.

Maybe one or more of your friends hasn't been very welcoming and now your partner feels a bit awkward. Or maybe one of your friends has been a little too welcoming and that's equally as awkward for your partner so they have chosen to remove themselves from the situation to save any further embarrassment.

There could be lots of reasons and it doesn't mean that your partner is trying to get in with any new friends - maybe they relish a bit of alone time!




Yeah, the numbers, I know.

I can understand that this is not a great indication of an epic love story in the making - if your partner does not get on with your family then that is Not A Good Sign.

But what if your Mother is overbearing and overly critical of your partner? What if your Father makes weird, sexist jokes that make your partner feel uncomfortable? What if your Brother just grunts at your partner when they walk in the house? What if your partner is allergic to the 13 cats your family insist on adopting?

There are lots of reasons for avoiding family members but to jump straight to the conclusion that your partner is cheating on you is such a stretch they might as well call you Mr Armstrong.

90s throwback FTW

Talking of lazy journalism...I'm going to skip some of these because a) I'm getting bored of talking about all the problems in this article and b) the really, really awful ones are further down the list.



Maybe you are just a bit needy, Teen Wolf. Did that ever cross your mind?



Eurgh.

So many things wrong with this particular example.

Because obviously if your partner has anything else to do other than go to work or tend to your every whim and in equal measures needy and paranoid ego, then they are definitely cheating on you.

/sarcasm. Just to be clear.



...in direct contrast to the above point, your movements and other engagements should be None Of Their Business.

Obviously.

Because your behaviour is above reproach and well of course you have other things on your schedule besides work and returning home immediately.

I think I'm going to have a brain aneurysm by the end of this Blog Post.







I cannot stress enough how much the above actions are Not The Done Thing especially in an Adult Relationship.

Just...just no.

If you feel the need to do any of these things with your partner just call it quits because a) you clearly don't trust them at all so what do you really have?, b) they deserve better than being under your constant surveillance and c) doing any and/or all of the above is creepy as all hell.

Maybe this should be a guide on how to get a restraining order rather than finding out about a cheating lover.




Finally! Some actual sound advi- hang on...(ignoring 'talk to her on the face' for a minute)

"make her answer straightforwardly and honestly by forcing it on her."

forcing it on her

forcing it on her

...

The last piece of advice from the article is that if you can't work things out that you should "leave her without giving it a second thought".

Or maybe she will leave you (now suddenly pregnant) Teen Wolf since you have been rifling through her bags, looking at her phone, following her around and demanding all of her attention 24/7 (apart from when she is at work though, obvs, you're not a mental case).

What you just described there isn't a cheating lover - that's a manipulative and abusive relationship.

Any of these ringing any bells, Teen Wolf?!

The thing that really got me about this article was the automatic assumption that your partner is Up To No Good. There is never a secondary explanation, there is never anyone else in the wrong, it is always your partner and you should be automatically suspicious of everything they do.

If your partner is buying new clothes, not coming straight home from work every day or if they don't seem to get on with your mates, they are not necessarily cheating.

Sure, if all of the above is occurring then maybe your relationship is fading out but it does NOT mean that there is a new mambo partner is the picture.

So, just calm down Witty Feed.




Or maybe she spotted you reading this Witty Feed article and realised that the strange man following her to her pilates class in the overcoat and hat was her despicable boyfriend and she's sick of it.

Maybe you are just a bit of a dick, Teen Wolf.

&&Fin.

I Love The Eurovision Song Contest And It Will Continue Long After I'm Gone. Just Please Don't Ask Me To Take It Seriously

That Time We Reviewed The UK Entries For 2016

What The Buzz: #Eurovision

Imagine my surprise, dear readers, when I logged into Twitter today and discovered the hashtag Eurovision was trending.

For those of you that don't know, Eurovision is on 10th May - 14 May this year so I was not expecting the hashtag to appear as early as February and my curiosity was piqued.

Turns out the 6 potential UK entries have been announced today. The 6 acts will perform live on Friday 26th February and the general public will be able to vote for their favourite.  (One cannot help but wonder if the re-introduction of the public helping to choose the entry comes following the rather abysmal submission the UK sent last year which the BBC chose without public input.)

Pop/electro swing duo 'Electro Velvet' ...yeah, me neither.

For anyone interested in watching the live performances of this year's entries, they will be aired on BBC 4 at 7.30 on Eurovision: You Decide hosted by Mel Giedroyc.

I'm all for more Mel in between series of Bake Off.

For those of you that won't be watching the live performances (for shame!), the Blog is here to help you help the UK in choosing this year's Eurovision entry (and subsequent Eurovision winner obvs).  So, in no particular order....

EDIT: I desperately tried to get clips of all the performances for you, dear readers, but sadly the BBC doesn't seem to want to share.  In any event, you can find clips of all the songs by clicking here: 

Click Me!

1. Joe and Jake - You're Not Alone

I feel like this is a less polished version of Union J with a few of the key members missing.  Personally, I just feel like the song doesn't really go anywhere.  It's alright for bobbing your head to briefly but it's not particularly memorable.

Plus, not everything rhymes with 'oh oh' or 'ooh' lads.  Soz.


2. Dulcima - When You Go

I'll admit it; I had fairly high expectations of this duo given the name of the band is the name of an unusual instrument my Father has taken a liking to. There was a soft spot ready and waiting.

And waiting it shall remain.

Don't get me wrong; it's very Eurovision. The chanting section at 1.49 is perfect for the final night in a room full of drunk Europeans but...there is something slightly irritating about it all by the end of the song.  I can't put my finger on it but it's a long 2.58 minutes to sit through.


3. Matthew James - A Better Man

Is this Clay Aiken?!

No....seriously, is this Clay Aiken just with glasses and a hat now?


4. Karl William Lund - Miracle

To my ears this sounds like a poor man's Take That.  When they were a Man Band.

But with more echo effect.

Anyone else? No? Oh.

I think of all the entries so far this is the one I could see myself singing in the car on the way to work and probably getting stuck in my head for the rest of the day at work much to the annoyance of my colleagues (soz, Charlotta). It still seems to kind of fizzle out into nothingness rather than exploding in a crescendo but you can't have everything I guess.

It is still a UK entry into Eurovision after all.


5. Darline - Until Tomorrow

3 guesses who Darline quote as their top inspiration!

If you said anyone other than Taylor Swift then hang your head in shame right now.

Again, this song is actually quite catchy.  I have a certain penchant for country music in all its forms and Taylor Swift in particular so it's no surprise that I rather like this entry.  But I like it in the sense that I could have it on in the background while I do work in the evening not in the sense that I want my country's singing talents to be represented by this delightful country-pop combo.

It's lovely. ...but that's about as far as it goes for me. And following a recent discussion with my housemate about the use of the word 'lovely' I just don't think that is going to cut it in the mean, lean streets of Sweden for Eurovision 2016.


6. Bianca - Shine A Little Light

When you find out this song was co-written by Leona Lewis, suddenly she is all you will hear during this song.

Seriously.

But there is that weird reggae undertone that makes it sound like MAGIC! is going to break in to the song any minute and seems totally out of character with the majority of the song.

Even so, I think this is my favourite for Eurovision.  At least it has a bit of oomph to it.  So they could probably do quite an impressive lighting display on the final.  Maybe with some fireworks too.

Ah, yes, I can see it now...

And we probably still won't scrape into the top 10. Maybe it should be #EuropeHatesUsGetOverIt

But enough of my negativity! Let's see what the Twittersphere had to say for itself:

If @BiancaMusicUK or @JoeandJakemusic get to go to @Eurovision we might have a shot at @bbceurovision this year yeeeees #Eurovision 😍🇬🇧

— Rhys (@Rhys47) February 22, 2016

Surely Darline have to represent the UK at #Eurovision, I feel that 2016 is the year that Country music will win.

— Seth J (@SethJenningz) February 22, 2016

#Eurovision Loving 'Miracle' by @KarlWilliamLund The UK might have a chance with this song #UKEurovision Vote on FRIDAY! Good luck!

— David (@topvillafan) February 22, 2016

I am not sure many will be queueing up to represent the UK in this years #Eurovision ! #EUreferendum #Brexit

— is it just me? (@algraco1) February 22, 2016

'A Better Man' sounds dated, like Swedish ballad leftover from #melfest long time ago. #EurovisionYouDecide 🇬🇧 #Eurovision

— Bliss (@Phantomblisss) February 22, 2016

If @BiancaMusicUK changes the 'Hotline Bling' style background at the start to something better, we will be on the left for sure #Eurovision

— Jack Picko #91 (@PickoMotorsport) February 22, 2016

And that's not even mentioning all the controversy surrounding the Ukraine's entry which discusses Stalin's enforced deportation of Tatar people from Crimea in 1944.  The song is really quite chilling and has apparently already ruffled some Russian feathers.

...never a dull year at Eurovision!

And finally, this will be the first year since the sad passing of Sir Terry Wogan.  His quotes (such as the rather poignant title to this Blog post) have been the cause of much celebration even amidst the commiseration of losing yet another contest. And, since Graham Norton took up the post, the sarcastic, snide comments continue to live on.

But this year there is sure to be a tribute to Sir Terry Wogan which I'm sure the Beeb will pull off fantastically and we will all be tearing up before we even get to the first song.

In the meantime, we will see who makes it to Eurovision for the UK and then, in May, let us all hope that it is another fine day in the Land of Do As Your Told.

&&Fin.