I'd Rather Lose Than Win By Cheating

That Time I Ranted On About Click Bait Articles


How To Find Out If Your Girlfriend Is Cheating On You? #12 Is Perfect!


This little gem popped up on my Facebook feed recently, dear readers.

Now I know all about lazy journalism (have you read What The Buzz lately?) but these articles are everywhere and, despite hating them, I still click on them! We've all seen them - the click bait articles that lure you in only to shovel the same old nonsense down your throat and you wonder why you ever clicked on the title in the first place.

Such was the case this time.

Although this article, for reasons that I shall make perfectly clear shortly, angered me more than most.

We all know someone or have been in a relationship ourselves which has resulted in one or both parties straying at some point. It's a sad fact of life that I can say this with absolute confidence.

If your partner does the horizontal (or vertical, or reverse, or any which way for that matter) mambo with someone else and you’re not okay with it (open relationships and all that in this day and age); that’s cheating.

(If we’re going to get really lawyer-y about it all: cheating could be defined as your partner engaging in a form of physical or emotional intimacy with another person that the reasonable onlooker would deem to be inappropriate within the defined and implied boundaries of your relationship. But we're not here to decide what makes a cheater, just how to spot them. Call me the David Attenborough of the relationship world.)

Who doesn't David?

In any event, most of us can therefore relate to this article on a personal level and I know that people really do worry about their partners roaming.

So, instead of rolling my eyes and slinking off quietly, I am going to go through the points raised in this article one by one and provide some helpful commentary/criticism.

Because n’yeah.

Firstly, let's be clear:

Say it with me now...

Now, on to the article itself:




Oh. Good. Lord.

Okay. Let's just dive right in, dear readers.

If your partner (be they male, female or anything else on the sliding scale of gender) starts dressing nicely...maybe they just want to look nice.

Did you ever think of that Witty Feed?!

Maybe they have been down the gym to try and be healthier and are feeling great. Maybe they have an event coming up and bought a new outfit. Maybe they are trying a new style. Maybe they saw something on sale and thought 'what the hell!'. Maybe they are trying to get YOUR attention. (Maybe put the book down, Teen Wolf.)

Maybe you are just a little bit paranoid.

Moving on!



I should point out before any eagle eyed readers comment on it that I haven't got my numbers wrong. This is the second point on the article even if it has #3 written above it.

Lazy journalism indeed.

I can understand why it might be concerning if your partner starts refusing to spend time with your group of friends but there could be lots of reasons for this. Maybe they are trying to be respectful of your time with your friends so you don't feel like they are constantly attached to your hip. Maybe they see it as the perfect time to spend time with their group of friends too. Maybe they were very friendly at the start of your relationship but as it has progressed they have realised that they don't have a great deal in common with your friends.

Maybe one or more of your friends hasn't been very welcoming and now your partner feels a bit awkward. Or maybe one of your friends has been a little too welcoming and that's equally as awkward for your partner so they have chosen to remove themselves from the situation to save any further embarrassment.

There could be lots of reasons and it doesn't mean that your partner is trying to get in with any new friends - maybe they relish a bit of alone time!




Yeah, the numbers, I know.

I can understand that this is not a great indication of an epic love story in the making - if your partner does not get on with your family then that is Not A Good Sign.

But what if your Mother is overbearing and overly critical of your partner? What if your Father makes weird, sexist jokes that make your partner feel uncomfortable? What if your Brother just grunts at your partner when they walk in the house? What if your partner is allergic to the 13 cats your family insist on adopting?

There are lots of reasons for avoiding family members but to jump straight to the conclusion that your partner is cheating on you is such a stretch they might as well call you Mr Armstrong.

90s throwback FTW

Talking of lazy journalism...I'm going to skip some of these because a) I'm getting bored of talking about all the problems in this article and b) the really, really awful ones are further down the list.



Maybe you are just a bit needy, Teen Wolf. Did that ever cross your mind?



Eurgh.

So many things wrong with this particular example.

Because obviously if your partner has anything else to do other than go to work or tend to your every whim and in equal measures needy and paranoid ego, then they are definitely cheating on you.

/sarcasm. Just to be clear.



...in direct contrast to the above point, your movements and other engagements should be None Of Their Business.

Obviously.

Because your behaviour is above reproach and well of course you have other things on your schedule besides work and returning home immediately.

I think I'm going to have a brain aneurysm by the end of this Blog Post.







I cannot stress enough how much the above actions are Not The Done Thing especially in an Adult Relationship.

Just...just no.

If you feel the need to do any of these things with your partner just call it quits because a) you clearly don't trust them at all so what do you really have?, b) they deserve better than being under your constant surveillance and c) doing any and/or all of the above is creepy as all hell.

Maybe this should be a guide on how to get a restraining order rather than finding out about a cheating lover.




Finally! Some actual sound advi- hang on...(ignoring 'talk to her on the face' for a minute)

"make her answer straightforwardly and honestly by forcing it on her."

forcing it on her

forcing it on her

...

The last piece of advice from the article is that if you can't work things out that you should "leave her without giving it a second thought".

Or maybe she will leave you (now suddenly pregnant) Teen Wolf since you have been rifling through her bags, looking at her phone, following her around and demanding all of her attention 24/7 (apart from when she is at work though, obvs, you're not a mental case).

What you just described there isn't a cheating lover - that's a manipulative and abusive relationship.

Any of these ringing any bells, Teen Wolf?!

The thing that really got me about this article was the automatic assumption that your partner is Up To No Good. There is never a secondary explanation, there is never anyone else in the wrong, it is always your partner and you should be automatically suspicious of everything they do.

If your partner is buying new clothes, not coming straight home from work every day or if they don't seem to get on with your mates, they are not necessarily cheating.

Sure, if all of the above is occurring then maybe your relationship is fading out but it does NOT mean that there is a new mambo partner is the picture.

So, just calm down Witty Feed.




Or maybe she spotted you reading this Witty Feed article and realised that the strange man following her to her pilates class in the overcoat and hat was her despicable boyfriend and she's sick of it.

Maybe you are just a bit of a dick, Teen Wolf.

&&Fin.

Perhaps The Less We Have, The More We Are Required To Brag

That Time We Delved Into The World Of Kanye West (Brace Yourselves)

What The Buzz: #OutBoastKanye

Well, dear readers, the hashtag really speaks for itself this week on What The Buzz.

The name Kanye West has now become somewhat synonymous with 'douche bag'.  The man has spurred an entire meme about being an arse, for goodness sake.

The awkwardness of this moment is burned onto the back of my eyeballs.  Still makes me cringe!

I remember a time (in the distant early Noughties) in which Kanye was pumping out musical hit after hit and seemed to have the golden touch.  Diamonds from Sierra Leone, Gold Digger, Touch the Sky, Stronger. 

Kanye and his shutter shades were big news in the UK.

Remember these? If not, you are far too young to be reading this Blog and isn't it past your bedtime?

In a somewhat ironic twist of fate, the downward spiral of public opinion seemed to reflect the rise of Kanye's fame.  Unfortunately, this level of fame brings intense scrutiny so, as a person in an extremely powerful position, obviously Mr West was very careful about what he said to the press and during interviews...

Really? ...the greatest?

I just...there are no words. Literally.

This man is now a father.  Let that sink in for a minute.

K.

Obviously a very modest and humble man stands before us.

But some people have labelled KWizzle as having a 'God-complex' (whuuuuut?!).  And the Twittersphere is always keen to have a bit of bantz at the expense of someone famous.

Here were some of my favourite boasts to out boast Kanye:

#OutBoastKanye
I've got an 8 slice toaster.....well it's a grill but same thing.

— Steven (@steve_d24) February 15, 2016

I haven't bothered claiming back my PPI even though I get several phonecalls a day telling me I could #OutBoastKanye

— Neil Dagley (@NeilDagley) February 15, 2016

Sometimes I buy a packet of Frazzles even if I already have some Frazzles #outboastkanye

— Paul Moped (@paulmoped) February 15, 2016

Yeah, well I once got Shakira's hips to tell a lie. #OutBoastKanye https://t.co/AmWBsf013O

— Louis Karsenbarg (@LouisKarsenbarg) February 15, 2016

I cut a pepper once and found a smaller pepper growing inside #OutBoastKanye

— Andrea G (@Andrea_G22) February 15, 2016

I can smile #OutBoastKanye pic.twitter.com/dSmrxW2xYl

— St Peter (@stpeteyontweety) February 15, 2016

And as for my boast?

I can go to Nandos in relative anonymity. Bliss.

Still no smile? You are in Nandos. Ed Sheeran and Example wrote a goddamn song about how much they love this place.

&& Fin.

Words Are Memes That Can Be Pronounced

That Time We Talked About The Latest Online Plague Trend

What The Buzz: #DontBeLike

First things first, I have to say thank you to all you lovely readers - we reached 2,500 views this week! Thank you, thank you to everyone who has read The Blog and hopefully cracked a smile at the various antics detailed within.

You all rock.

And this week we will be looking at the stick figures that took over Facey B.

'Be Like Bill'

...Or else.

This is Bill.

(Oh, God, now I'm doing it too.)

This is the meme that appeared and then spread like wildfire through facebook and twitter.  Whilst the meme was initially fairly harmless, it soon became a subject of ridicule (as every fad does eventually...does anyone remember how stupid the ice bucket challenge was?! Or makeup-less selfies? Yep...saving the planet there guys.  Good work.)

This meme did not stay popular for long. 

Err...that escalated really quickly.

This was a perfect example of how quickly a really simple idea can spread when embraced by enough people. And how, despite becoming a subject for mockery just as quickly, it was still EVERYWHERE.

How many of these memes have you seen in the past week? pic.twitter.com/IGTXIPsQR1

— What's Trending (@WhatsTrending) January 24, 2016

#prettymuch #stickfigureoverkill #belike #dontbelike pic.twitter.com/Bt2k9CPcEW

— catalina shoate (@shoatezoo) January 25, 2016

According to several credible news sites, the idea behind Be Like Bill was to call out annoying social media habits.

...yeah.

The irony is actually tangible.

Be Like Bill actually started in late 2015 but it has recently become a viral hit following the creation of several meme generators that allow people to put their own names/scenarios in the frame.  And of course generated the anti-Bill meme; Don't Be Like Bill. 

This will, undoubtedly, go the way of other social media fads but, for the meantime, the Interwebz has something new to hate/ridicule and that should satiate her for now.

I had to have a go myself (obviously) and the first few were so random that I realised people must be spending a significant amount of time re-generating their personal memes until they got one that was #relatable or at least somewhat appropriate.

If you want to have a go yourself the link is here.

And I totally won't judge you.

...until you post it on facebook.  And then you should really worry when I get around to doing my next friendship cull.

&&Fin.

If You're Going To Do Something Tonight That You'll Be Sorry For Tomorrow Morning, Sleep Late.

That Time We Discussed Corporate Responsibility (not as dull as it sounds. Maybe.)

A story that grabbed my attention this week: GourmetMurderKitchen.

This story involves Gourmet Burger Kitchen (affectionately shortened to GBK) and their latest advertising campaign and the subsequent backlash they faced.  Words aren't really going to do this justice so I'll post some examples:

I know what you are thinking, dear readers.

'Oh dear' indeed.

You will imagine the outrage, the uproar, and general middle-class fist shaking anger these adverts produced. (Which is totally justified, actually). People can take offence at pretty much anything on the Interwebz and I am normally the first one to offer a cup of tea, a pat on the knee and a reassuring 'now, now, calm down, dear, it's not as bad as all that'.

Except that, this time, it pretty much is as bad as all that. 

Possibly the worst Ad campaign of 2016 and we’re only in January. https://t.co/QNGqJyG7tl

— Jonathan Richard (@JonRichard) January 18, 2016

#gourmetmurderkitchen @gbkburgers Bravo to your marketing dept on an epic fail! Take a defining chapter of our generation and ridicule!! 😕

— Jason Bromley (@Dispeller79) January 17, 2016

I'll always remember the day I boycotted Gourmet Burger Company #gourmetmurderkitchen

— Mrs P (@missy_mcsquishy) January 17, 2016

Then of course come the photoshopped images (they really made this one too easy):

@gbkburgers cheers for making it even easier to ignore your food chain. Really bad advertising.#gourmetmurderkitchen pic.twitter.com/ZX1PwYD7fl

— Luna Unicorn Sminks (@this_sminks) January 18, 2016

Following the new adverts being plastered all over the place, including on the London Underground, people took to social media to rant and rave about the 'disgraceful' ad campaign. Vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters alike appear to have found the campaign in poor taste, not least because it has been revealed in the middle of Veganuary (I had to Google it too, don't worry). 

Really, GBK? Really?!

From a practical viewpoint, this campaign is even more baffling given that GBK caters for vegans and vegetarians so why they are trying to ostracize one sector of their client base I do not know. 

But, as if that wasn't enough to piss off most of the Internet, then came this:

Ah, the insincere corporate apology. The Law of Holes seems apt here. Rule #1: If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. But, no. GBK really likes that shovel and damn it all to hell if they don't want to make that clear!

Not only do they not appear to understand where the offence could have possibly come from but they get all defensive about actually providing vegetarian options.

....slow clap. 

Do they not realise that providing meat free options is pretty much standard in nearly all restaurants nowadays? What kind of idiot opens a restaurant and doesn't provide anything for the 4 million vegetarians currently in the UK? I mean, even Nandos has vegetarian options and they aren't being dicks about it, are they?

See how I avoided a cheesy pun about 'cocks' there? You. Are. Welcome.

Seriously, GBK, I think you need to sort out your marketing department. 

Speaking of...#TeamSociallyM is totally (probably) up for the challenge.

Then again, this one might have really been the final nail in the coffin for your vegetarian and vegan clients and maybe a few meat eaters too. Still, they say any publicity is good publicity, right?

Yeah, I reckon the Handmade Burger Company probably agrees with that right about now.

&&Fin.

Today There Is No Black Or White; Only Shades Of Grey

That Time We Talked Money and People

What The Buzz: #BlackFridayIn3Words

This week's trending topic is all about the mythical and legendary beast that is Black Friday.

As many of you will know, Black Friday is the first Friday after Thanksgiving where American retailers go mental and slash their prices for one day only. This is fantastic for some that manage to snag a deal but seems to come at a high price of others.

As an English person, I don't really understand the whole concept but I do understand that this has now made it's way across The Pond (aka The Atlantic) as we all knew it inevitably would.

After all, the UK sometimes acts like America's annoying little brother that wants to do everything his older brother does but doesn't quite hit the mark.

This guy knows what's up.

In any event, Black Friday has arrived in the British Isles and I have a slight problem with the whole premise. 

Firstly, Black Friday is supposed to be the day after Thanksgiving which, despite stealing everything else from the US, we haven't inherited this one.  So why do we have the day that comes after it? 

This makes no sense to me.

Plus, people have actually DIED because of Black Friday.  Either being tramped by the hordes of frenzied shoppers or falling asleep at the wheels of their cars after waiting in line over night for the shops to open. 

Why would we want to encourage that in the UK? 

The mind boggles. 

Arguably the day brings a lot of money in the UK economy with people spending money they perhaps wouldn't otherwise because of the deals.  But does that really warrant the chaos it causes? I distinctly remember last year doing some early Christmas shopping on Amazon and completely forgot it was Black Friday.  As such Amazon pretty much crashed in the middle of my purchase and told me I was in a queue. 

To go shopping online.

What?!

I go shopping online to get AWAY from the ridiculous queues. 

No, no Amazon...you take your time.  I'll just wait.

It seems as though my disdain was shared on Twitter.

Describing Black Friday in 3 words seemed to become very popular very quickly on Twitter.  And along with myself, and the makers of South Park, there were some others that shared our sentiment for the day.

#BlackFridayIn3Words Staying at home!

— Majlinda (@MK8848) November 23, 2015

#BlackFridayIn3Words World War Three

— Wendy :)x (@wendy_mendoza1D) November 23, 2015

No real bargains #BlackFridayIn3Words

— Double Yolker (@timforheroes) November 23, 2015

#BlackFridayIn3Words "The Walking Dead" pic.twitter.com/trj9Np23xg

— Highzenbrg (@Highzenbrg) November 23, 2015

BRACK FRIDAY BUNDURU! #BlackFridayIn3Words pic.twitter.com/WGAlq5VG2q

— mnmtwinz (@mnmtwinz) November 23, 2015

But for those of you that are going shopping on Black Friday, have fun and most importantly stay safe.

And, seriously, stay away from Amazon.  Or there will be hell to pay.

&&Fin.

A Thief Passes For A Gentleman When Stealing Has Made Him Rich

Day 2 - That Day I Cried My Eyes Out

Too shocked to type much.

Someone (some thieving, scumbag, waste of society) has stolen Hoj's seat cover.

This is just too depressing.

Excuse me while I eat lots of chocolate, get fat and mourn the loss of my flowery seat cover with my distraught bicycle.

&&Fin.