Better To Just Be Real. Show Up, Do Your Job And Be A Nice Person

That Time We Discussed My Declining Years and The Disparity Between Your Early Twenties and Mid-Late Twenties

Oh yes, dear readers, it's another rant.

I've come home from work, quickly demolished two glasses of wine and of course a Blog Post has been born.

Strap yourselves in; it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Buckle up now.

As I am sure I have complained about before, and as we all know, I have studied Law at University and now for some unknown reason have completed the Legal Practice Course at Law School as well.

An example of the many, many hoops I have jumped through thus far on my journey to become a badass solicitor.

Not bitter.

Obviously.

(Although my bank account is still crying from the last round of financial assault the Solicitors Regulation Authority managed to get away with.)

ANYWAY.

The next step after a 4 year Law degree, 2 years at Law School and 6 years' work experience as a paralegal/legal assistant is a 2 year training contract completed on the job and a Professional Skills Course repeating much of what I have already undertaken at Law School.

Do you understand why I have a permanent eye twitch yet, dear readers?!

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?!

The next step requires training contract applications.  Having waited several years for a training contract to plop itself down in my lap (not really sure why I thought that was a valid tactic), I have decided to take a more pro-active approach to the whole farcical situation.  Better late than never, or so I'm told.

The other night I sat down ready for application hell and discovered...well...exactly that actually.

I was half way through an application when I got to a set of three boxes that enraged me so much that I had to go and watch calming videos of people applying acrylic nail polish to calm myself down lest I fling my laptop across the room.

Oh hush, you big baby, I didn't go through with it!

The application enraged me so much that I have decided to write this Blog Post and correct the glaring errors in employers' ways.

For it is not just one application that is needlessly grueling; all applications seem to be designed to confound, irritate and otherwise perplex.

So, here are my attempts to help those misguided HR departments out there...

1. Questions to Avoid

"Why do you want to work for this firm?"

Stop, stop, stop asking me this.  The answer is, invariably; "Because you have a vacancy and I need money."

Which apparently employers don't like.  Even if it is the truth.

Case. Point.

But then why do I have to explain myself to this stranger in a dodgy pinstripe suit.  Tell me why YOU want ME, Big Partner Solicitor Person.

Apparently employers don't like that either.

The truth hurts, boo.

I know that you are supposed to say a load of buzz words that you have managed to pick out from the firm's website but, let's be honest, it's always a lie.

Is this the way we want to start this new glorious relationship, potential employer?

Oh, apparently it is because I can hear you muttering about how important the work/life balance is in this firm (normally exclusively reserved for Partners who need to spend the afternoon boozing with some clients), progression is available (after 5 years and we dangle that carrot in front of you for the whole time to make sure you work your little yoga bum off) and that our salaries are competitive (competitively shit for this over saturated market you mean).

Ah.  So lying it is then.

And they say lawyers are unscrupulous. 

2. Provide Results From All University Modules, Exams, Driving Test and All Smear Tests

I'm not saying that academic results aren't important; of course they are. Especially in a career in Law.  All I'm saying is, why do I need to provide every single result of every single exam since I was 15 years old?  I got 9 GCSEs, 4 A Levels, a University Degree and a Post-Graduate Diploma.

Do you realise how many exams that adds up to?!

I do: 53.

53 individual exam results I need to include on every single training contract application.

I mean...seriously?! Is anyone even looking at these at this point?

Apparently not.

Isn't it enough to say that I passed them? Can't I just give a vague outline instead of the actual percentage that I got in each module at Uni? (This is not an exaggeration - I have to type out the number for each exam.)

And haven't we got passed that ideal that only academics can make it in the Law world? What if I didn't excel at school but have a great work ethic, an understanding of how to handle clients without wanting to poke my eyes out with a stapler remover and the ability to click buttons in my case management system which generates all the necessary letters for me anyway...don't get me started on that last one.

I understand that employers need a bar by which to judge the multitude of applicants against but why does it need to be in this much detail? If I was a complete fraud and unable to string a coherent thought together I am pretty sure one of these institutions would have outed me by now.

No caption required.

3. My Life Is Empty and Has No Meaning

And, finally, the questions in the training contract application that lead to this Blog Post in the first place:

- List your hobbies/interests and membership of clubs
- List your involvement in the community and/or charity work
- Positions of responsibilities

I was looking at the above questions and pulled this face:-

And am just as cute. Obviously.

Hobbies and memberships of clubs? Err...next.

Involvement in the community/charity work. Umm...

Positions of responsibilities. ...my boss let's me put the clean tea towels out sometimes?

Looking at these questions blankly and scratching my head (which incidentally is turning grey because I'm old) it struck me how geared up these applications were for University students.  In fact, the only things I could include in most of these questions took me all the way back to my early twenties.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I became.  These questions started making me question my life: why wasn't I a member of a club? Why didn't I do any charity work? What did I actually do in my spare time?!

My new Facebook profile pic.

And the more I pondered, the more I thought...why the hell should I have to explain myself to you, anonymous and mystical training contract giver?

I like my life.  My life is fulfilling and fun and full of light, laughter, love, family and friends.  If I want to spend the entire weekend in my pyjamas watching Big Bang Theory or bouncing around in muddy puddles with the Boyfriend and Nessie, in what way does that affect my ability to do a fantastic job 9-5, Monday to Friday?

It doesn't and that is what infuriated me so much.  Why should I spend my time filling these boxes with guff from years ago?  What employer wants to know I joined the snow sports team (but only for the socials) or that when I had loads of free time and wasn't desperately trying to pay off Law School loans (thanks again, SRA!) I had the time and inclination to raise money for charity.  I work damn hard in the week and if I want to devote my weekends to doing nothing that is my prerogative.

My thoughts exactly Mr Puss Cat

Why wasn't there a box for 'shit you do really well at work', 'list all the jobs you've had and the experience you gained i.e. leave a URL to your Linkedin here' and 'what is the nicest thing you've done for a colleague' or 'would any of your employers have you back or would they laugh in your face and tell you to take a long walk off a short pier?'

See? I fixed your stupid application, Head of HR.

It was at this point that I put the application away for fear of typing in caps lock 'WHO THE CARES?'

Won't some magical training contract guru think about us, the aging, work weary wretches of the world that didn't get off our arses at Uni and make all these application at the appropriate time?

Please?

Pretty, pussycat please?

In light of the above, maybe it has become clearer to some of the non-Law crowd as to why I have been preparing my lap for the training contact ploppage instead of actually filling out the applications.

Or maybe it just goes to show I'm too lazy to be a solicitor.

Eh.

Paralegal for lyfe, innit?

(I didn't say any of those GCSEs were in English.)

&&Fin.

A Little Strike Each Day Can Chop Down Big Trees

That Time We Discussed Current Events (Ooh, High Brow For A Change)

Hello, dear readers.  A second post in just over a week?!

It's almost like there was some kind of rough plan when this all started.

This. #relateable

In any event, the evenings are getting darker, people are trying to save up for Christmas jollies and the Christmas spirit is in the air.

Lego Boyfriend loves Christmas and huge baubles. Apparently.

I have even had my first slice of Christmas pudding.

Although it seems as though not everyone is full of festive cheer.

Life marches on regardless of the season and unfortunately that appears to have brought some rather poorly timed strikes.  Both Southern Rail and the Post Office have announced varying degrees of inconvenience over the Christmas period.

Southern Rail have organised a 48 hour walk out over the last week with further strikes to be announced in December and January.  As someone that used to commute to London, I understand how annoying this is for everyone involved.  Not just the commuters but also the poor sods that have turned up to work only to have abuse hurled at them by disgruntled and caffeine deprived commuters.  I get that it is annoying for everyone and that the Aslef union feel this is their only option at this point.

But...this all started over who was going to be responsible for opening train doors.

Or we could just...you know, do it ourselves.

...or...no? Oh ,okay then.

It was announced that no trains would run on any Southern Rail routes and left approximately 300,000 people displaced in what Talk Radio called 'the worst disruption in 20 years'.

...don't give me that! I remember the snow of 2010.

And before anyone cries 'lazy journalism' this is actually a picture from 2010.  So nyeah.

And despite my rather facetious claim above, the argument is a lot more complicated than who gets to push one button to open the door of the train.

Apparently.

The problem of course with all these trains being disrupted is not just the effect it has on the rail infrastructure but all of a sudden there is an increase in cars on the road as people try to find alternative routes to work.

As Steve so eloquently states below:

I wish the #southernrailstrike ends soon, so all their customers can use the trains again, cos they can't fuckin' drive! #normalroaduser

— Steve Harris (@steve99999) 13 December 2016

And just in case we need any further proof that Harry Potter has the perfect quote for any and every situation...

Hagrid doesn't give a fuck who closes the carriage doors on the Hogwarts Express. #southernstrike pic.twitter.com/I6ZyJrPZ6M

— The Grump Crusader ツ (@grumpcrusader) 8 August 2016

In other news, it's not just the trains that have the British public in what could be described as A Mild Flap.

Apparently the Post Office have joined in on the fun.

You should think yourself lucky that 'e-cards' didn't really take off  in 1994.

But, not to be outdone by Southern Rail, the Post Office decided to really infuriate the general populace by announcing a five day strike in the week before Christmas.

Fingers crossed you didn't do all your shopping on Amazon.

Oh...bugger.

IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, RIGHT?!

(Namely the thought that my house is warm and devoid of screaming toddlers which leads me to internet shopping and wine drinking.)

Although, unlike Southern Rail, Post Office have insisted that it should be business as usual for 97% of Post Office customers.

Phew.

Incorrectly misappropriating political slogans. Yay. 

But seriously..sozlol to those of you that don't get to send out your Christmas cards this year.

I bet e-cards are looking pretty good right about now.

"Hmmm, festive and depressing.  I really just wanted depressing but if this is all you have I guess I'll take it."

...Or not as the case may be.

Speaking of the Post Office, does the strike mean that lots of boys and girls won't be receiving their postcard from Father Christmas this year?!  For those not in the know, if you send a letter to Father Christmas at the North Pole with your Christmas wish list, he used to send you a postcard to confirm that he had received the list and was working hard on all the presents.

I don't know if he still does or not because, sadly, we fell out of contact and haven't spoken for a while.

I mean, it's more recent than you would think, but hey...life gets in the way I guess.

...I think I read a fanfiction about this once.

Meanwhile, the strikes are making headlines in the papers:

'Christmas strike misery as Post Office workers stage five-day walkout and rail services are hit by industrial action' - The Telegraph

'December strikes do not signify new 'winter of discontent'' - The Guardian

'No trains, no cards and now no presents! Christmas strike nightmare gets worse as Argos delivery drivers announce they will stop working next week in a dispute over pay' - The Daily Mail (punchy as ever.)

'Argos strike latest: Delivery drivers announce three-day Christmas walkout' - The Independent

Wait...Argos are striking too? (Kind of thought the Daily Mail might just be making that up.  As usual.)  This saddens me because when I was younger we used to write letters to Father Christmas with our wish lists of gifts and toys etc.  This is obviously Not Unusual.

What was slightly strange was the fact that my mother and father used to sit my sister and I down with the Argos catalogue so that we could look for ideas.  Again, actually quite a good idea for despairing parents that have no idea what you mean by "that one doll in the adverts after 'Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids' but before 'My Parents Are Aliens".

However, it wasn't until I was much older that I realised how strange it was to write a page number and/or the 7 digit product code in my letter to Father Christmas.

Apparently, he only shops at Argos.

It's a good job I was am a naive and trusting child.

Well...if Argos drivers do go through with the strike, look on the bright side; that's a lot less vans and trucks on the road to make way for all those commuters!

I'll just leave this here and let you come to your own conclusions about my feelings on the matter.

Maybe instead of moaning about it (I know we are British but come on!) we should take the opportunity to appreciate what Christmas should really be all about.

Even the Grinch got it right by the end of the book.

So, forget the cards and the presents and enjoy spending time with your friends and family.

...unless of course you need to get a train to see them.  Then, in that case, just ignore this Blog, drink some form of mulled alcohol and cry on the inside like a winner.

Geez...no wonder these never took off.

If we learned nothing else from Christmas television adverts, it was that there's always Skype right?

And that you can rely on your family and friends to be rubbish at charades.

In any event, are we sure that the people striking didn't just fancy an extended Christmas holiday?

Which actually doesn't sound like a bad idea.

Any unions out there want to strike over the working conditions of paralegals?!

Well, might as well jump on the band wagon as trains are currently out of the question.

&&Fin.

I'd Rather Lose Than Win By Cheating

That Time I Ranted On About Click Bait Articles


How To Find Out If Your Girlfriend Is Cheating On You? #12 Is Perfect!


This little gem popped up on my Facebook feed recently, dear readers.

Now I know all about lazy journalism (have you read What The Buzz lately?) but these articles are everywhere and, despite hating them, I still click on them! We've all seen them - the click bait articles that lure you in only to shovel the same old nonsense down your throat and you wonder why you ever clicked on the title in the first place.

Such was the case this time.

Although this article, for reasons that I shall make perfectly clear shortly, angered me more than most.

We all know someone or have been in a relationship ourselves which has resulted in one or both parties straying at some point. It's a sad fact of life that I can say this with absolute confidence.

If your partner does the horizontal (or vertical, or reverse, or any which way for that matter) mambo with someone else and you’re not okay with it (open relationships and all that in this day and age); that’s cheating.

(If we’re going to get really lawyer-y about it all: cheating could be defined as your partner engaging in a form of physical or emotional intimacy with another person that the reasonable onlooker would deem to be inappropriate within the defined and implied boundaries of your relationship. But we're not here to decide what makes a cheater, just how to spot them. Call me the David Attenborough of the relationship world.)

Who doesn't David?

In any event, most of us can therefore relate to this article on a personal level and I know that people really do worry about their partners roaming.

So, instead of rolling my eyes and slinking off quietly, I am going to go through the points raised in this article one by one and provide some helpful commentary/criticism.

Because n’yeah.

Firstly, let's be clear:

Say it with me now...

Now, on to the article itself:




Oh. Good. Lord.

Okay. Let's just dive right in, dear readers.

If your partner (be they male, female or anything else on the sliding scale of gender) starts dressing nicely...maybe they just want to look nice.

Did you ever think of that Witty Feed?!

Maybe they have been down the gym to try and be healthier and are feeling great. Maybe they have an event coming up and bought a new outfit. Maybe they are trying a new style. Maybe they saw something on sale and thought 'what the hell!'. Maybe they are trying to get YOUR attention. (Maybe put the book down, Teen Wolf.)

Maybe you are just a little bit paranoid.

Moving on!



I should point out before any eagle eyed readers comment on it that I haven't got my numbers wrong. This is the second point on the article even if it has #3 written above it.

Lazy journalism indeed.

I can understand why it might be concerning if your partner starts refusing to spend time with your group of friends but there could be lots of reasons for this. Maybe they are trying to be respectful of your time with your friends so you don't feel like they are constantly attached to your hip. Maybe they see it as the perfect time to spend time with their group of friends too. Maybe they were very friendly at the start of your relationship but as it has progressed they have realised that they don't have a great deal in common with your friends.

Maybe one or more of your friends hasn't been very welcoming and now your partner feels a bit awkward. Or maybe one of your friends has been a little too welcoming and that's equally as awkward for your partner so they have chosen to remove themselves from the situation to save any further embarrassment.

There could be lots of reasons and it doesn't mean that your partner is trying to get in with any new friends - maybe they relish a bit of alone time!




Yeah, the numbers, I know.

I can understand that this is not a great indication of an epic love story in the making - if your partner does not get on with your family then that is Not A Good Sign.

But what if your Mother is overbearing and overly critical of your partner? What if your Father makes weird, sexist jokes that make your partner feel uncomfortable? What if your Brother just grunts at your partner when they walk in the house? What if your partner is allergic to the 13 cats your family insist on adopting?

There are lots of reasons for avoiding family members but to jump straight to the conclusion that your partner is cheating on you is such a stretch they might as well call you Mr Armstrong.

90s throwback FTW

Talking of lazy journalism...I'm going to skip some of these because a) I'm getting bored of talking about all the problems in this article and b) the really, really awful ones are further down the list.



Maybe you are just a bit needy, Teen Wolf. Did that ever cross your mind?



Eurgh.

So many things wrong with this particular example.

Because obviously if your partner has anything else to do other than go to work or tend to your every whim and in equal measures needy and paranoid ego, then they are definitely cheating on you.

/sarcasm. Just to be clear.



...in direct contrast to the above point, your movements and other engagements should be None Of Their Business.

Obviously.

Because your behaviour is above reproach and well of course you have other things on your schedule besides work and returning home immediately.

I think I'm going to have a brain aneurysm by the end of this Blog Post.







I cannot stress enough how much the above actions are Not The Done Thing especially in an Adult Relationship.

Just...just no.

If you feel the need to do any of these things with your partner just call it quits because a) you clearly don't trust them at all so what do you really have?, b) they deserve better than being under your constant surveillance and c) doing any and/or all of the above is creepy as all hell.

Maybe this should be a guide on how to get a restraining order rather than finding out about a cheating lover.




Finally! Some actual sound advi- hang on...(ignoring 'talk to her on the face' for a minute)

"make her answer straightforwardly and honestly by forcing it on her."

forcing it on her

forcing it on her

...

The last piece of advice from the article is that if you can't work things out that you should "leave her without giving it a second thought".

Or maybe she will leave you (now suddenly pregnant) Teen Wolf since you have been rifling through her bags, looking at her phone, following her around and demanding all of her attention 24/7 (apart from when she is at work though, obvs, you're not a mental case).

What you just described there isn't a cheating lover - that's a manipulative and abusive relationship.

Any of these ringing any bells, Teen Wolf?!

The thing that really got me about this article was the automatic assumption that your partner is Up To No Good. There is never a secondary explanation, there is never anyone else in the wrong, it is always your partner and you should be automatically suspicious of everything they do.

If your partner is buying new clothes, not coming straight home from work every day or if they don't seem to get on with your mates, they are not necessarily cheating.

Sure, if all of the above is occurring then maybe your relationship is fading out but it does NOT mean that there is a new mambo partner is the picture.

So, just calm down Witty Feed.




Or maybe she spotted you reading this Witty Feed article and realised that the strange man following her to her pilates class in the overcoat and hat was her despicable boyfriend and she's sick of it.

Maybe you are just a bit of a dick, Teen Wolf.

&&Fin.

Perhaps The Less We Have, The More We Are Required To Brag

That Time We Delved Into The World Of Kanye West (Brace Yourselves)

What The Buzz: #OutBoastKanye

Well, dear readers, the hashtag really speaks for itself this week on What The Buzz.

The name Kanye West has now become somewhat synonymous with 'douche bag'.  The man has spurred an entire meme about being an arse, for goodness sake.

The awkwardness of this moment is burned onto the back of my eyeballs.  Still makes me cringe!

I remember a time (in the distant early Noughties) in which Kanye was pumping out musical hit after hit and seemed to have the golden touch.  Diamonds from Sierra Leone, Gold Digger, Touch the Sky, Stronger. 

Kanye and his shutter shades were big news in the UK.

Remember these? If not, you are far too young to be reading this Blog and isn't it past your bedtime?

In a somewhat ironic twist of fate, the downward spiral of public opinion seemed to reflect the rise of Kanye's fame.  Unfortunately, this level of fame brings intense scrutiny so, as a person in an extremely powerful position, obviously Mr West was very careful about what he said to the press and during interviews...

Really? ...the greatest?

I just...there are no words. Literally.

This man is now a father.  Let that sink in for a minute.

K.

Obviously a very modest and humble man stands before us.

But some people have labelled KWizzle as having a 'God-complex' (whuuuuut?!).  And the Twittersphere is always keen to have a bit of bantz at the expense of someone famous.

Here were some of my favourite boasts to out boast Kanye:

#OutBoastKanye
I've got an 8 slice toaster.....well it's a grill but same thing.

— Steven (@steve_d24) February 15, 2016

I haven't bothered claiming back my PPI even though I get several phonecalls a day telling me I could #OutBoastKanye

— Neil Dagley (@NeilDagley) February 15, 2016

Sometimes I buy a packet of Frazzles even if I already have some Frazzles #outboastkanye

— Paul Moped (@paulmoped) February 15, 2016

Yeah, well I once got Shakira's hips to tell a lie. #OutBoastKanye https://t.co/AmWBsf013O

— Louis Karsenbarg (@LouisKarsenbarg) February 15, 2016

I cut a pepper once and found a smaller pepper growing inside #OutBoastKanye

— Andrea G (@Andrea_G22) February 15, 2016

I can smile #OutBoastKanye pic.twitter.com/dSmrxW2xYl

— St Peter (@stpeteyontweety) February 15, 2016

And as for my boast?

I can go to Nandos in relative anonymity. Bliss.

Still no smile? You are in Nandos. Ed Sheeran and Example wrote a goddamn song about how much they love this place.

&& Fin.

If You're Going To Do Something Tonight That You'll Be Sorry For Tomorrow Morning, Sleep Late.

That Time We Discussed Corporate Responsibility (not as dull as it sounds. Maybe.)

A story that grabbed my attention this week: GourmetMurderKitchen.

This story involves Gourmet Burger Kitchen (affectionately shortened to GBK) and their latest advertising campaign and the subsequent backlash they faced.  Words aren't really going to do this justice so I'll post some examples:

I know what you are thinking, dear readers.

'Oh dear' indeed.

You will imagine the outrage, the uproar, and general middle-class fist shaking anger these adverts produced. (Which is totally justified, actually). People can take offence at pretty much anything on the Interwebz and I am normally the first one to offer a cup of tea, a pat on the knee and a reassuring 'now, now, calm down, dear, it's not as bad as all that'.

Except that, this time, it pretty much is as bad as all that. 

Possibly the worst Ad campaign of 2016 and we’re only in January. https://t.co/QNGqJyG7tl

— Jonathan Richard (@JonRichard) January 18, 2016

#gourmetmurderkitchen @gbkburgers Bravo to your marketing dept on an epic fail! Take a defining chapter of our generation and ridicule!! 😕

— Jason Bromley (@Dispeller79) January 17, 2016

I'll always remember the day I boycotted Gourmet Burger Company #gourmetmurderkitchen

— Mrs P (@missy_mcsquishy) January 17, 2016

Then of course come the photoshopped images (they really made this one too easy):

@gbkburgers cheers for making it even easier to ignore your food chain. Really bad advertising.#gourmetmurderkitchen pic.twitter.com/ZX1PwYD7fl

— Luna Unicorn Sminks (@this_sminks) January 18, 2016

Following the new adverts being plastered all over the place, including on the London Underground, people took to social media to rant and rave about the 'disgraceful' ad campaign. Vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters alike appear to have found the campaign in poor taste, not least because it has been revealed in the middle of Veganuary (I had to Google it too, don't worry). 

Really, GBK? Really?!

From a practical viewpoint, this campaign is even more baffling given that GBK caters for vegans and vegetarians so why they are trying to ostracize one sector of their client base I do not know. 

But, as if that wasn't enough to piss off most of the Internet, then came this:

Ah, the insincere corporate apology. The Law of Holes seems apt here. Rule #1: If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. But, no. GBK really likes that shovel and damn it all to hell if they don't want to make that clear!

Not only do they not appear to understand where the offence could have possibly come from but they get all defensive about actually providing vegetarian options.

....slow clap. 

Do they not realise that providing meat free options is pretty much standard in nearly all restaurants nowadays? What kind of idiot opens a restaurant and doesn't provide anything for the 4 million vegetarians currently in the UK? I mean, even Nandos has vegetarian options and they aren't being dicks about it, are they?

See how I avoided a cheesy pun about 'cocks' there? You. Are. Welcome.

Seriously, GBK, I think you need to sort out your marketing department. 

Speaking of...#TeamSociallyM is totally (probably) up for the challenge.

Then again, this one might have really been the final nail in the coffin for your vegetarian and vegan clients and maybe a few meat eaters too. Still, they say any publicity is good publicity, right?

Yeah, I reckon the Handmade Burger Company probably agrees with that right about now.

&&Fin.