A Thousand Words Will Not Leave So Deep An Impression As One Deed

That Time I Spent Easter Weekend Forcing Chocolate On Unsuspecting Herefordians


There are what we call 'brown trouser' moments in this mad ride we call life.


These can include (but are not limited to) watching a motorcyclist almost fall off his bike in front of your car, the moment before you think you are about to be bitten by a dog and meeting your new boyfriend's friends and family for the first time.


I, for reasons I am still uncertain of, experienced all three in the space of 2 days.


And, for your enjoyment, dear readers, I have documented some of my adventures herewith.


You. Are. Welcome.


In order to maintain some semblance of anonymity we shall call the new boyfriend Apollo (aka Lee Adama and BF) because a) we are not above stroking the new boyfriend's ego occasionally; b) it somehow seemed very appropriate; c) I can then be Starbuck (because I say so); and d) reasons.


NB: Some of the following circumstances and conversations may have been dramatized (slightly) for humorous effect.


Wednesday - Eve

HouseMate: ...Amy? (HouseMate pushes open bedroom door to reveal AJ frantically emptying her wardrobe onto her bed). ...What'cha doing?

Me: (Breathing heavily and slightly wild around the edges) I don't know what to pack! Why do I not own any clothes?!

HouseMate: ...err...you own lots of clothes? (HouseMate looks pointedly at the piles of clothing currently threatening to tumble off the bed)

Me: Okay, let me rephrase, why do I not own anything that isn't either ridiculously formal or horrendously slutty?!

HouseMate: (Clearly wonders if this is a trick question) Because you're AmyJay?

Me: (Is not amused) Not. Helping.

HouseMate: Okay, okay calm down. We will find something. What is the occasion?

Me: Okay, meeting the parents, brother's birthday lunch the next day then 'a night out in the countryside' whatever that means and Easter Sunday.

(AJ waits with baited breath for HouseMate's pearls of wisdom).

HouseMate: Right, well jeans and a nice top then.

Me: (Visibly deflates) I don't have nice tops; I have work clothes or backless dresses ....This is impossible, I'm going to cancel. Do you want to push me down the stairs or something? Need to make it believable...

HouseMate: Don't be daft; look wear this blazer and these jeans and....WHY ARE YOU PACKING THAT TEENY TINY RED DRESS?!

Me: Err.....Just in case?

HouseMate: (Deep breaths) Step away from the suitcase, Johnson.

(HouseMate proceeds to re-pack entire suitcase with suitable items of clothing whilst AJ, who should be taking notes, fiddles with a make up bag the size of a small holdall and wonders just how much nude eyeshadow one really really requires for a 2 day trip.)


Friday

Apollo and I leave his flat to make the treacherous trip to the frozen wastelands of the North (read as Hereford) and, having checked Google Maps I can see that the journey should take about 2.5 hours (ish).

Until BF announces that he needs to take the motorbike North in order to try and fix it up a little bit. Which also means the motorway is a no-go. 

So the back roads in convoy it is.

Whilst the drive was undeniably lovely (the sun was shining, I was singing along to one of my cheesy Spotify playlists, Apollo was pulling silly faces at me in his wing mirror and the scenery was incredible), we arrived at our destination circa 5 hours after we had set off. 

5. Hours. 

Not to mention the fact that at about 4.5 hours in to our journey (which, admittedly, had been somewhat fraught with the motorbike deciding to randomly indicate hither and thither with little encouragement from BF and me being unable to navigate tiny country roads in the Glorious Accord) we encountered one of those 'brown trouser' moments I mentioned previously. 

Going round a rather tight bend in the road, I was merrily singing along to Jet which promptly ended on a somewhat strangled gasp as I watched Apollo slide round the corner - literally. The back end of the bike seemed to slip on the road and BF (instinctively, I assume) put his foot down whilst still travelling at about 20 mph. 

This was Not A Good Plan. 

As I watched I genuinely thought he was going to come off the bike which would have been bad enough in its own right, but that I was then going to make raspberry jam out of him on the road. 

Somewhat awkward meeting the parents as you try to explain just why their son's face is mashed into the front of the Glorious Accord and, here, this prosecco is for you...lovely to finally meet you?

Thankfully, this was not our fate and BF managed to regain control of the bike (albeit with a very sore ankle and bruised toes).

And so our adventure continued. 

Approximately 30 seconds later (once I was convinced that Apollo was alright and not dying of some horrendous broken ankle injury) my rear view mirror promptly plopped into my lap. 

Really, Honda? Really?!

*~*~*~*~*~*

Arriving at the house (and checking BF still has full function in his left foot), it becomes apparent that Commander Adama (CA) and President Roslin (PR) (aka Papa and Mama) are not home. 

But the rest of the family is. 

The rest of the family consists of two border collies and one terrier. 

Now, dear readers, I am an animal lover.  I have grown up with a dog, multitudes of cats and a variety of rodents in between. 

However, I have also been the unfortunate victim of several dogs getting over excited and snapping at me.  (I also seem to have a problem with Loud Sudden Noises but that is clearly a very different problem that is probably best discussed with a trained therapist and I will therefore not burden you, dear readers.)  Therefore, the sight of three very excitable dogs barking at the sight of Apollo had me somewhat nervous. 

Not least because one of the dogs was what we affectionately call a 'smiler'.

...affectionate. Promise!

Once I had got past my initial fear, turns out all the dogs were really very soppy and I needn't have worried at all.

See? What a softie!

In any event, CA and PR arrived home and it was the weirdest sensation to meet people for the first time and greet them on the threshold of their doorway.

But even in the weird circumstances, CA and PR gave me a big hug and seemed to be pleased with my offerings of flowers and prosecco (bonus points on the board for AJ).

Although CA and PR had turned up laden with curry so my paltry offerings of tulips and alcohol paled somewhat in comparison.

In addition to CA and PR, Apollo’s Aunt was also staying for the weekend. I do not appear to be able to come up with a suitable comparison for Apollo’s Aunt so we will stick with Aunty Dearest (AD).

The five of us tucked into the Indian feast and the conversation promptly turned to ships/boating/the mysteries of that cruel mistress The Sea etc.

PR: You’d be so proud of me – this week, whilst in Guernsey, I got on a boat!

Me: Are you not a good sailor then, PR?

BF: The boat is either in too deep water or too near rocks so it’s kind of a lose/lose deal for Mum.

PR: Amy, can you imagine anything worse than being on a floating village?! Just travelling around in the sea on a giant ship – yeuck. I don't like the idea of cruises at all. I can’t think of anything I would rather do less, don’t you agree?

(AJ can see Apollo grinning at her out of the corner of her eye and stifles a laugh)

Me: Well…actually I’ve already been on three cruises and have another one booked in a month so…yeah.

PR: Ah. Well then.

(AJ can sense the bonus points rapidly evaporating. The Topic of Conversation moves swiftly on and we all head to bed.)

~*~*~*~*~*~

Saturday

Today was the day that the Glorious Honda had been waiting for since it had the misfortune of being bequeathed to my fair hand.

It was time for a general check up.

Apollo has a healthy obsession with motor vehicles and therefore, like my Dear Father, was horrified to learn that I had been driving whilst the red oil light was coming on in my car. Again, my defense was that the light only came on when I went around corners but this appeared to have a similar non-pacifying effect on BF and the same vein pulsed in his forehead.

I pity the men in my life.

I was therefore instructed to present the Glorious Honda for inspection in The Workshop at 0900 hours sharp. (As this was a Saturday morning, this did obviously NOT happen.)

The Workshop is an area of patio between two stables with a home made roof of plastic sheeting (which has a bad habit of attracting dead wood spears from above) and an eye watering number of tools/gadgets which look alternately intriguing and/or dangerous. 

 
Basically; it's a boy's playground in which we pretend serious work actually happens. 

But the Honda was clearly very happy to be there and received a full oil change, new oil filter, a top up of screen wash and coolant. If she could have purred and rubbed against Apollo's legs she would have done. (Tart.)

After much tutting and pointed looks from CA in my direction re: keeping the oil topped up so that it actually touched the dip stick in future, I tottered off to wrestle off my wellies and get ready for lunch.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Apollo's brother, Zak Adama's, birthday carvery lunch. 

Food.

Unf.

~*~*~*~*~*~

In the afternoon, Food Mountain (see above) caught up with me at about 5pm and so it was that I went for the inevitable afternoon nap that the Adama family had been predicting since they first laid eyes on my heaped plate. 

As one does, I removed my glasses (now officially blind) and stripped off to clamber into bed. 

I'm not sleeping in skinny jeans. 

For reals, sister.

I had been 'resting my eyes' for about half an hour when a voice called from the doorway. 

??: Amy? 

Me: (AJ slowly stirs from slumber and peers over the top of the duvet)

??: I can see one eye! 

Me: (AJ cannot see who is standing in the doorway as she is still glasses-less but assumes it is the BF and begins to unravel from the duvet but then hears a giggle.  AJ realises a moment before it is too late that in the doorway must be Apollo's brother and his ladylove (LL).  AJ quickly rolls the duvet into an even tighter sushi roll) Err..hi guys.

LL: We just came to say goodbye as we are heading off now. 

Me: Oh, okay let me just...

LL: No, no you don't need to get up, we just wanted to come say goodbye. 

Me: (AJ is clearly dealing with an Internal Struggle). No, I need to get up as I have Easter presents for you both.

LL/ZA: Aw, that's so sweet. (Both parties remain standing in the doorway.)

Me: Yeah...I have chocolate for you but I am currently in a state of undress. (AJ gives a pointed glance downwards (as pointed as it can be when everything is a blur and she is squinting).) 

LL: Ah, we'll give you a minute then. 

Me: Ta.

And that was the moment I almost flashed my boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend.

Flashbacks of Holland and the thin curtain/balcony incident.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Saturday night was a Night Out in Hereford and, thank goodness I have a sensible and lovely HouseMate to guide me through my social events. 

This meant a night in the pub followed by posh burgers and then back to the pub. 

....no little red dress required. 

In fact, the BF gave me about 15 minutes to get dressed and do my hair and makeup.

This was met with a somewhat withering glare once I had my contacts in and he was in focus. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Sunday

Sunday involved a lazy breakfast and then we headed back out to The Workshop. 

And this time, the Honda Accord was lavished with even more attention.

A good old fashioned wash. She was glowing afterwards.

After a dog walk in the woods (where we left in the sunshine but got caught in the rain, one of the dogs decided he didn't want to wear his coat any more tyvm and yet another dog decided he wanted to rip his coat off on barbed wire before we all made friends with some little shetland ponies) it was just time for lunch and then the drive back home. 

As we got in the car to travel back Down South, Apollo turns to me:

BF: So do you want a one stop plan or a two stop plan. 

Me: ...For what? 

BF: For the drive home.

Me: Erm...for the two and a half hour drive you mean? 

BF: ...err, yeah? (BF looks at AJ like she is not speaking English.  AJ returns the favour).

Me: Erm, I drive to Leicester which is 3 hours on a regular basis with no stops and I was planning on doing the same today. Clearly, because I am hardcore.

BF: But there's no rush today so we could just-...

Me: HARDCORE. 

After much laughing at my playlists ("Haha, Meat Loaf, Disney. ...Err....what is this wedding playlist, Amy?!" - Alarmed BF) and ONE stop for coffee (Not Hardcore), we arrived back in Hampshire having engaged in a wonderful bank holiday weekend where I had avoided flashing any family members (except maybe one particularly nosy pooch after a shower) and hadn't made a complete tit of myself by getting drunk on Saturday night and insisting people try and lick their elbows. 

All in all, a successful meeting of the friends and in-laws I think. 

And it can't have been too bad as they invited me back the following weekend.

Huzzah.

&&Fin.

If I Create From The Heart, Nearly Everything Works

That Time We Uploaded Our First Video

So.  Yeah.

That just happened.

Our first video has now been uploaded to the great wide interwebz via YouTube.

You can view it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hcx7AWdxSM and we decided to do the Sister Tag in order to introduce ourselves.

It's a bit long and the quality is poor but yay! I'm so excited!!

Once I have moved house and have my gaming computer set up, I will be recording some game plays so hopefully they will be fun.  But in the meantime, we will be filming some of Comic Con and that will be up in the next few weeks.

If any of you do watch, please leave a comment and if you have any suggestions please let us know :D

Be there and be squared!

Peace.

&&Fin.

A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility

Day 12 (? I'm losing count) - That Time I Almost Burst Into Tears In A Club

Saturday 11th September today and, yes, I did have a look on some of the memorial websites for 9/11 to pay my respects. There's nothing funny about that and I know this blog is normally lighthearted but I feel it should be mentioned because to completely ignore it would be a huge insult to a lot of people.

But, I don't want to dwell because this is still meant to be lighthearted/uplifting.

Today I managed to actually do some studying. My first real go at it since about May. It was so bizarre; I had to find my own handwriting again. I've decided to go for straight but loopy so we'll see how that works out. I'll keep you all updated on any changes made since I know this effects your everyday lives in a great way.

It got to late afternoon and my friend and I decided to order a takeaway. We did not realise how insanely difficult this would be.

Firstly, we had failed to get a takeaway the day before because Groningen seems to just switch off at 10 and we were looking for numbers at 10.15. But, today, we couldn't find any menus online with an English translation. Now, I know I've been in the Netherlands for nearly two weeks but that doesn't mean I can speak Dutch and it certainly doesn't mean I can translate a Chinese menu from Dutch to English.

Bah.

We ended up phoning one of the takeaways and just asking what they had down the phone. I don't think the woman on the other end could quite believe it.

Anyway, when it arrived (delivery boy was the sweetest guy ever) we realised that it was massive portions and we'd ordered way too much for two people. But we sat and wolfed it down and it was actually really tasty. It tasty really fresh and had lots of vegetables in it.

Stamp of approval, me thinks.

We were going out that night so after the obligatory episode of The Office, we decided to go and get ready because I needed a shower.

In my corridor there is a shower that is literally less than ten steps from my door and there is one that goes past 15 rooms at the other end of a long corridor. Someone was in the shower in the closest one so I went to the one further away (also it has two showers so you can spend slightly longer in there and not feel guilty). When I had finished my glorious shower I dried myself off. My towel is brand new and I haven't washed it yet so the absorbancy wasn't great but it was okay. Now, normally I walk back to my room (very quickly) wrapped in my towel and dress there but, instead, I discovered (the hard way) that skinny jeans are really not the best type of clothing to try and squeeze back on when you're still damp from the shower and realise that your new, sopping wet towel will not cover your modesty from the communal bathroom to your room.

I also made the executive decision to use the bathroom closest to me from now on to avoid embarrassing mishaps such as running down the hallway barefoot and blushing.

It seems as though a week is not complete here without me revealing myself to my housemates.

Anyway, we got ready to go out and I poured myself into an LBD and went to meet my friend. We got the bus into town (again, another epic fail at the bus station but I won't go into it) and went to our favourite bar Kasteel to have a couple of drinks while we waited for our other friends from Canada to arrive.

I should have realised that the towel incident had been a warning to stay inside.

We ordered our drinks and the bar tender (lovely guy) spilt them all over us. And when I say that I don't mean 'oh no! a little bit of alcohol has got on my hands' I mean 'what the hell?! my shoes are too slippery to keep on my feet and my legs are actually dripping.

Lovely.

He gave us our drinks for free and a free shot though so I couldn't really complain. And he felt so awful about it the poor guy. But then it transpired that there was some weird guy taking pictures of my friend and I (I jokingly said they were probably zooming in on her cleavage but she didn't find it very funny so I promptly shut my mouth after that) so we drank up and left to go to Rumba.

In Rumba it was two cocktails for one so we ended up getting tequila sunrise. I forgot how nice they are. We had a dance (had some requests played) and then decided to move on somewhere else where the music might be a little more dance-y. So off we trotted to &Zo. It got really hot really quickly so we had some shots and then went outside to cool off where, it transpired, that one of the Candian girls was really quite drunk and wanted some food.

We wandered off to our favourite pizza guy and ordered some food which was really, really good. Unfortunately, the Canadian was still feeling very drunk so she decided to go home and her very kind friend decided to take her to make sure she got home safe considering she wasn't walking in a straight line.

I was slightly concerned that they were riding bikes back.

They assured me that they would be fine and, anyway, when in Holland, right?

My friend and I went on to meet some other girls in a club called Kokomo. We had a laugh and a dance and then, it all went pear shaped.

We went up to sit at the bar for a moment because my feet were killing me and it was nearing 3am. Also there was some quite nice eye candy working behind the bar so we ended up people (person) watching for a while. Until my friend had a drink bought for her from a guy at the other end of the bar. She went off to say thanks and I sat there like a gooseberry.

Then, about 5 minutes later, this guy started talking to her but she moved away to the other side of me in order to discourage him.

This did not have the desired effect.

Instead, he leant right over me in order to talk to her. He was in my space so much that I actually had to lean backwards to accomodate him. I thought he might just say one thing to her and then move. No. That was wishful thinking; he actually started a conversation with her.

Supremely irritated I slid from my chair and told my friend that I was going to go home. She came with me because, dude, hoes before bros, aight?

So here's a few lessons that guys need to learn:
1) When you're trying to chat up a girl it's best to not piss off the friend that she's with.
2) When a girl moves away from you that's generally the clue to drop it.
3) Yes, contrary to popular belief, the spare does have feelings.

We ended up going home with my hormones going crazy until we had leftover Chinese food and watched X-Factor auditions. Felt much better at the realisation that if I get fat maybe it will cushion the insult of being considered invisible.

Holland is giving me complexes like it's my birthday.

&&Fin.

It's Official

Today I had my welcome ceremony so I met up with a friend today who I know from home (she moved into my building yesterday) because I needed take her into town. When I rolled up on my bike she asked me how much I paid for it and then laughed. Poor old Hoj (hunk o' junk). I'm getting to be rather fond of him actually. Even if he is a bit rusty and his lights don't work (something else I'm going to have to sort out soon).

Anyway, I lead her to Martinikerk which is a huge, old church. It was where the first part of the welcome ceremony was held. It was very beautiful but it was hard to hear the speeches because of the echoes. I couldn't understand a word that the mayor was saying but I'm sure it was very welcoming.



Then we went down to the main Academy building.



It was kind of set up like a Fresher's Fair with booths of information and freebies. I got a lot of helpful brochures about Groningen and I also got my student ID card so I am officially a student of Rijksuniversiteit Groningen (RUG).



I signed up for the ESN (Erasmus Student Network) Introduction Week with pub crawls, belly dancing workshops, karaoke, film night, orange party and learning some basic Dutch. It looks like it should be a lot of fun but I have to wear a green wrist band for the next week and a bit which digs in when I'm trying to type or write.

The price I pay to be entertained.

Today was also a success because I finally went food shopping! Huzzah! I decided to have fajitas for dinner so I went to the kitchen to set everything up...only to find I had forgotten to buy oil. Felt like such a fool.

So I need to go food shopping again tomorrow and, I looked in the kettle in the kitchen and it's fairly gross, so I might have to buy a kettle as well. But then I can probably keep it in my room and have cups of tea in bed. Bliss. I also managed to bug my student manager for a pillow and a tea towel so that's another thing to tick off the to-do list.

I think my greatest purchase of the day was Earl Grey tea bags. How I have missed the sweet, simple pleasure of tea. <3 I also took a nice picture of a park on the ride home so I will share it with you now.



&&Fin.

The Party Don't Start Till I Walk In

I have arrived and spent my first 24 hours in the Netherlands.

Day 1 - Leaving On A Jet Plane

The airport was hard. I went to a little local which was very friendly but, when it came to saying goodbye to my family, there were still tears in my eyes. I was a brave soldier and refused to cry but my vision was a little waterlogged for a few minutes.

And I lost my hat.

But then I got on the tiny little plane (it had propellers) and everything was fine. I love flying so I was instantly back in a good mood and ready for my new adventure.

The flight was a little over an hour but we had to wait around for larger planes to get out of our way both at home and abroad so I was actually on the plan for about an hour and three quarters. We hit some turbulence as we approached the Netherlands because we were flying through rain clouds but it kept making my stomach lurch and made me giggle.

I'm sure the poor man sitting next to me thought I was insane.

When I arrived in Amsterdam I wasn't expecting the airport to be quite so huge. We were let in through the gate that was farthest away from anything so I had a good walk to baggage claim. Through passport control (no questions asked tyvm) and onto baggage and I thought 'here we go, I'll have to wait hours for this' but, just as I turned the corner I saw my case go past on the belt.

Bloody marvellous.

So I grabbed that and headed for the exit. There was a bizarre deflation moment where I just went 'well...what now?' But I managed to find the trains and got my ticket.

Luckily (or maybe not) for me there was another student going to Groningen who was waiting on the platform. Maybe I have that student vibe about me but he came straight up to me to ask if I was studying in Groningen. Bear in mind that this train has many (many, many, many ) stops before it arrives at Groningen. So he helped me onboard and helped load my luggage into the overhead storage which was really kind because I couldn't lift it at all.

Then, for the next 2 (almost 3) hours he did not shut up.

And I'm not talking about conversation between the two of us being a constant flow.

No.

I said about 5 words. He just filled me in on his life and his ex-girlfriend and how he likes to play World of Warcraft and listen to heavy metal and his Uncle's concubine treated his Grandma badly so he threatened to break her legs.

You know, real first conversation type stuff.

I managed to say a hurried goodbye at the station though and then went to meet my friend who was picking me up. We got the taxi to my new house and walked in through the front door.

There is no one around.

I have no phone number, no room number, no instructions as to what to do next.

So we sit there and look like very lost, very awkward tourists.

Wonderful. Just the sort of first impression I want to be giving.

Some kind soul comes along eventually and asks if we need help. I think he might have been a bit scared at how we practically jumped at him. I met my student manager who is a lovely bloke who gave me a tour and set up my internet and gave me all new kitchen things. The kitchen is connected to a common room with sofas and a TV and a balcony where people can go and sit (most people smoke out there as then it won't smell). My student manager made me feel really welcome (he may have forgotten to give me a pillow but we'll forgive him that small oversight) and I got to see my room. It's very bare but it's quite large so it looks even paler and emptier because it's reasonably big. Much bigger than the room I had at my university at home.

Much bigger than my sister's at my parent's house.



Left to our own devices, my friend and I go to explore the city and buy essentials like food, bed covers and a hair drier. (I now realise that that list should be far more extensive: slippers, towel, dressing gown, socks, extension lead, mirror, tupperware, light bulb, dirty clothes bag etc etc.)

In my shopping trip I managed to buy bed covers and a hair drier.

It occurs to me (and my grumbling stomach) now that food probably should have been higher on my priority list. But we did get a good look around the town.





Anyway, I went back to my friend's for dinner and stayed until about 8.30. When I decided to go home we didn't know what would be the best route. I didn't want to walk because it would take me nearly an hour and I was fairly sure that I would get lost. (Confident, really.) So we thought a bus might be good but, in the dark and on my first day, I wouldn't know where to get off. So I got a train from Groningen Central to Groningen Noord which is much cheaper than a taxi and close to my house.

Or so I thought.

I managed to get lost no fewer than 4 times on my way home, almost cried, wanted to phone a taxi, wanted to phone my mum. I eventually found a landmark that I recognised and hurried home (the sun has completely disappeared at this point) and, on my way, walked past a man relieving himself in a bush. To give the man some much needed privacy, I crossed the road to the other side. However, this seemed to alert him to my presence. So he said hello and asked me how I was.

You can't say the Dutch aren't friendly.

I almost ran the last part of the way home but managed to control myself and walk at a decent pace. When I got back to my room I almost collpased with relief and then remembered that I still hadn't unpacked, still hadn't met any of my flat mates and still hadn't skype-d my family like I promised I would.

After these three things were checked off my to-do list I brushed my teeth and went to get changed for bed. The afore-mentioned balcony is right next to my room and I can hear people talking out on the balcony. As I take my shirt off I look to the left and make eye contact with one of the blokes out there through my curtains.

My curtains are not very thick.

At all.

So after a day of mindlessly babbling, getting lost, being indecently exposed to and exposing myself I'd say it's been a successful first day.

Dank u wel and tot ziens!

Day 2 - Heroes and Thieves At My Door

Today I woke up at 7 and got to watch the sun rise from my balcony.

If there could ever be a little slice of perfection I think that's what it would be like.

I went to meet my friend quite early this morning because we were told there was going to be a massive bike market and I really wanted to buy one as soon as possible because I'm quite a way from town.

There were no bikes to be seen.

So we pottered about for a bit and then went to get a bike from a normal shop. I ended up paying about 95 euros for a second hand one but it had gears and hand brakes which quite a few of the others don't. (In order to brake you need to peddle backwards. It's a bit obscure but seems to work fine.) I was very excited and pleased with my bike because it was in reasonable condition and was good value in comparison to others we had looked at.

I wheeled it home (not quite brave enough to traverse the right handed traffic of the continent) and went into the bike shed in my building. My key didn't appear to unlock any of the cages where the bikes are kept and the dooor wouldn't open behind me which was irritating and odd. But, I figured, if I left the bike in the shed (which has locked doors) I could run upstairs and get my bike lock t secure it more satisfactorily.

I was gone 10 minutes and, when I returned, my bike was no where to be seen.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

But, I thought, neither of those options actually helps me in any way. So, instead, I pulled my shoes back on and walked back into town where, from a different, more helpful bike shop, I bought the cheapest bike they had to offer and a very hefty, very expensive bike chain.

I now have no gears, backwards pedalling brakes and a rusty piece of junk. But I do have a huge chain that I can barely pick up so nyeah bike thieves.

That's about it really for the first 24 hours. I've been lost, returned an extension lead that I didn't want, learnt some words in Dutch, bought no less than 2 bikes in the space of an hour and have allowed one (or several, I'm too embarrassed to check) of my housemates a good look at my naked bosoms.

Huzzah.