The World Needs More Love At First Sight

That Time We Found Lego Boyfriend A Mate

So it's been a while, dear reader (as usual).  Christmas has come and gone.

O Christmas tree...

And New Year...

And the first week of work...

And with January blues firmly setting in, I think it is about time The Blog makes a comeback to spread some happiness and sarcasm about the place.

Or it might just be a good chance for some of you to have a good-natured chortle at my various antics.

Whatevs.

As we all know, The Great Abandonment has begun (namely because I don't shut up about it).  However, I was lucky enough to see The Boyfriend a few times over the course of the last 2 months.  The Battlestar came into port for a brief period of time and, despite my friends sniggering over my 'boaty calls', it has been lovely to see The Boyfriend for real.

Err...I mean...oh bollocks.

Not that Lego Boyfriend hasn't been a big comfort to me!

Oh Lord, what have I done?!

ANYWAY.

Because I realised how much I had neglected Lego Boyfriend in the wake of real man flesh becoming, if not readily, at least somewhat, available.

Yes, yes - we get it!

I decided to treat Lego Boyfriend to a special little plastic something of his own.

...Keep it clean, dear readers!

Whilst I was off gallivanting with The Boyfriend, poor old Lego Boyfriend was tucked safe in a little pouch in my handbag hardly seeing the light of day.

Poor little tyke.

In an attempt to cheer him up, I got him his own little playmate.

Lego Boyfriend meet.....

Lego Girlfriend!

Complete with big suitcase and a can of whoop ass.

And it was love at first sight.

Lego Boyfriend effectively became the heart eyes emoji upon setting his plastic little eyes on her.

What can I say? Call me the Lego fairy godmother.

So. Many. Legos.

Now. I would love to say that Lego Boyfriend and Girlfriend lived happily ever after, clasping their little yellow hands (claws?) and running (shuffling) off into the sunset (a lamp on my desk).  But sadly, shortly after their love struck first meeting, it was decided that Lego Girlfriend should be allowed to travel the world with The Boyfriend (since AJ is far too big to squeeze in The Boyfriend's suitcase).

Especially not with this bint already stowing away.

So Lego Girlfriend and Boyfriend have been separated (geographically only - obviously!) and now I'm stuck with this face permanently:

Calm down - you'll see her in March.

So Lego Girlfriend has gone on her adventures to Central America with The Boyfriend:

Doing her bit to help ensure safe passage across the Atlantic.  Can't say she doesn't pull her weight.

Lego Boyfriend and I will sit at home and look forward to the updates we receive from our respective other (arguably better) halves. But at least we'll have each other for company.

And now The Boyfriend doesn't need to get his jealous pouty face on every time Lego Boyfriend pops up on Instagram.

Although I have already had to have The Chat with Lego Girlfriend about Proper and Appropriate Behaviour.

I think you all know what I'm talking about.

When two young plastic lego figurines get together, the sparks fly, hormones are racing, the skirts are a little above the knee...it's inevitable really.

Queen Elsa knows what's up (kind of a party pooper though - I love a good wedding)

Ah, young, delusional love.

I'm off to buy myself a hat!

&&Fin.

When I Feel The Heat, I See The Light

That Time I Had Vivid Dreams

Well, hello, dear readers.

Long time, no see and all that.

I have sadly neglected the Blog for some time - apologies.  As ever (I'm a broken record really) life has been insanely busy and I have barely been home long enough to think about Blogs let alone write one.

Yes, yes, I'm a Bad Person, okay?

In between starting my new job, friends, family, Brexit (I cried, k?! #noshame) passing Law school and adventures in between I have been crazy busy.

But enough with the excuses; here we are and I am raring to go with a new Blog Post.

The last couple of weeks have been insanely hot.

...show offs.

Well...hot for England anyway.

So hot, in fact, that poor BF has been suffering at night.  Although that has very little to do with the heat affecting him and entirely to do with his less than mentally stable girlfriend (c'est moi for those not following my eloquent ramblings).

The hot weather does strange things to me.  And my dreams.

I tend to have very vivid dreams throughout the year but, for some reason, when it is really warm at night (the sticky, oppressive, kick-the-duvet-off kind of heat) they get really weird but very real.

NB: Some of the following circumstances and conversations may have been dramatized (slightly) for humorous effect.

(Act 1, Scene 1. 
Two bodies lie in bed next to each other.  It is dark. It is silent. Suddenly...)

AJ: (gasps and sits up in bed) 

BF: (roused from slumber by movement next to him but voice laden with sleep) Huh? What is it?

AJ: I just need to check something. (AJ scrambles from the bed and moves towards the door.)

BF: Mm-hmm...sure....(Sleep is beginning to reclaim BF as he rolls over to continue peaceful slumber).

AJ: I'm just going to turn the light on. (AJ is stood with finger on the main light switch)

BF: Wait...

AJ: Ready? (AJ is poised)

BF: Wait, what?....ARGH!

(AJ has turned on the bedroom light and BF lies blinking owlishly as he is blinded. AJ has been prepared and has covered her eyes against the glare)

BF: AJ, do you have to do that now?! (BF is grumbling and rightfully indignant as he rolls back over)

AJ: (stunned that BF can even ask such a question as the vital necessity of turning the light on appears to have been lost on BF.  AJ must correct the misunderstanding)  I had to check for the jellyfish and octopuses!! (Author's Note: octopussies? octopussi?)

BF: (amazed silence)

AJ: There are jellyfish in the bed! They were on me. (AJ huffs and turns off the light, satisfied that the jellyfish and octopuses have moved on and will not return.  AJ returns to bed.) 

(As if that wasn't enough. A few minutes later...)

(AJ is curled up into a tiny ball on the edge of the bed and is clearly Throwing A Huff if her scrunched up face is anything to go by.  BF, now on the verge of sleep, edges closer and touches AJ's foot with his.  AJ pulls away.  The face scrunching worsens.)

AJ: I can't believe you had a go at me like that.  I was just checking for the jellyfsh! Unless you want jellyfish to be in bed with us.  

BF: (amazed silence - BF realises that this may be something of a trend during this relationship)

AJ: Harrumph.

BF: Love you, you nutter.

(The face scrunching stops.  AJ appears to have realised that there were never jellyfishes in the bed and that she has just woken up BF at 3am on a work night and that his slight annoyance at having been woken up in the middle of the night is, in fact, entirely justifiable.

AJ rolls over to BF's side of the bed and, for the remainder of the night, there may not be jellyfishes in the bed but there is certainly at least one limpet.)

And they lived happily ever after....until the next night where AJ decided there was a weedle in the bed that needed to be caught in a Pokeball stat.

Oh...don't look at me like that.  Did anyone really think that I wouldn't download this game?!

The Pokemon theme song is in my wedding playlist for goodness sake. (Sozlol, BF.)

&&Fin.

I'd Rather Lose Than Win By Cheating

That Time I Ranted On About Click Bait Articles


How To Find Out If Your Girlfriend Is Cheating On You? #12 Is Perfect!


This little gem popped up on my Facebook feed recently, dear readers.

Now I know all about lazy journalism (have you read What The Buzz lately?) but these articles are everywhere and, despite hating them, I still click on them! We've all seen them - the click bait articles that lure you in only to shovel the same old nonsense down your throat and you wonder why you ever clicked on the title in the first place.

Such was the case this time.

Although this article, for reasons that I shall make perfectly clear shortly, angered me more than most.

We all know someone or have been in a relationship ourselves which has resulted in one or both parties straying at some point. It's a sad fact of life that I can say this with absolute confidence.

If your partner does the horizontal (or vertical, or reverse, or any which way for that matter) mambo with someone else and you’re not okay with it (open relationships and all that in this day and age); that’s cheating.

(If we’re going to get really lawyer-y about it all: cheating could be defined as your partner engaging in a form of physical or emotional intimacy with another person that the reasonable onlooker would deem to be inappropriate within the defined and implied boundaries of your relationship. But we're not here to decide what makes a cheater, just how to spot them. Call me the David Attenborough of the relationship world.)

Who doesn't David?

In any event, most of us can therefore relate to this article on a personal level and I know that people really do worry about their partners roaming.

So, instead of rolling my eyes and slinking off quietly, I am going to go through the points raised in this article one by one and provide some helpful commentary/criticism.

Because n’yeah.

Firstly, let's be clear:

Say it with me now...

Now, on to the article itself:




Oh. Good. Lord.

Okay. Let's just dive right in, dear readers.

If your partner (be they male, female or anything else on the sliding scale of gender) starts dressing nicely...maybe they just want to look nice.

Did you ever think of that Witty Feed?!

Maybe they have been down the gym to try and be healthier and are feeling great. Maybe they have an event coming up and bought a new outfit. Maybe they are trying a new style. Maybe they saw something on sale and thought 'what the hell!'. Maybe they are trying to get YOUR attention. (Maybe put the book down, Teen Wolf.)

Maybe you are just a little bit paranoid.

Moving on!



I should point out before any eagle eyed readers comment on it that I haven't got my numbers wrong. This is the second point on the article even if it has #3 written above it.

Lazy journalism indeed.

I can understand why it might be concerning if your partner starts refusing to spend time with your group of friends but there could be lots of reasons for this. Maybe they are trying to be respectful of your time with your friends so you don't feel like they are constantly attached to your hip. Maybe they see it as the perfect time to spend time with their group of friends too. Maybe they were very friendly at the start of your relationship but as it has progressed they have realised that they don't have a great deal in common with your friends.

Maybe one or more of your friends hasn't been very welcoming and now your partner feels a bit awkward. Or maybe one of your friends has been a little too welcoming and that's equally as awkward for your partner so they have chosen to remove themselves from the situation to save any further embarrassment.

There could be lots of reasons and it doesn't mean that your partner is trying to get in with any new friends - maybe they relish a bit of alone time!




Yeah, the numbers, I know.

I can understand that this is not a great indication of an epic love story in the making - if your partner does not get on with your family then that is Not A Good Sign.

But what if your Mother is overbearing and overly critical of your partner? What if your Father makes weird, sexist jokes that make your partner feel uncomfortable? What if your Brother just grunts at your partner when they walk in the house? What if your partner is allergic to the 13 cats your family insist on adopting?

There are lots of reasons for avoiding family members but to jump straight to the conclusion that your partner is cheating on you is such a stretch they might as well call you Mr Armstrong.

90s throwback FTW

Talking of lazy journalism...I'm going to skip some of these because a) I'm getting bored of talking about all the problems in this article and b) the really, really awful ones are further down the list.



Maybe you are just a bit needy, Teen Wolf. Did that ever cross your mind?



Eurgh.

So many things wrong with this particular example.

Because obviously if your partner has anything else to do other than go to work or tend to your every whim and in equal measures needy and paranoid ego, then they are definitely cheating on you.

/sarcasm. Just to be clear.



...in direct contrast to the above point, your movements and other engagements should be None Of Their Business.

Obviously.

Because your behaviour is above reproach and well of course you have other things on your schedule besides work and returning home immediately.

I think I'm going to have a brain aneurysm by the end of this Blog Post.







I cannot stress enough how much the above actions are Not The Done Thing especially in an Adult Relationship.

Just...just no.

If you feel the need to do any of these things with your partner just call it quits because a) you clearly don't trust them at all so what do you really have?, b) they deserve better than being under your constant surveillance and c) doing any and/or all of the above is creepy as all hell.

Maybe this should be a guide on how to get a restraining order rather than finding out about a cheating lover.




Finally! Some actual sound advi- hang on...(ignoring 'talk to her on the face' for a minute)

"make her answer straightforwardly and honestly by forcing it on her."

forcing it on her

forcing it on her

...

The last piece of advice from the article is that if you can't work things out that you should "leave her without giving it a second thought".

Or maybe she will leave you (now suddenly pregnant) Teen Wolf since you have been rifling through her bags, looking at her phone, following her around and demanding all of her attention 24/7 (apart from when she is at work though, obvs, you're not a mental case).

What you just described there isn't a cheating lover - that's a manipulative and abusive relationship.

Any of these ringing any bells, Teen Wolf?!

The thing that really got me about this article was the automatic assumption that your partner is Up To No Good. There is never a secondary explanation, there is never anyone else in the wrong, it is always your partner and you should be automatically suspicious of everything they do.

If your partner is buying new clothes, not coming straight home from work every day or if they don't seem to get on with your mates, they are not necessarily cheating.

Sure, if all of the above is occurring then maybe your relationship is fading out but it does NOT mean that there is a new mambo partner is the picture.

So, just calm down Witty Feed.




Or maybe she spotted you reading this Witty Feed article and realised that the strange man following her to her pilates class in the overcoat and hat was her despicable boyfriend and she's sick of it.

Maybe you are just a bit of a dick, Teen Wolf.

&&Fin.

The Girl Blossomed In A Mud Puddle

That Time I Recapped A Busy, Busy Week

Apologies for the absence, dear readers, but (as you will soon see) it has been a manic few weeks.

Following the (tentatively) successful meeting of Apollo's friends and family, I have had several new adventures.  And, appreciating that the average reader's attention span is approximately 2-3 minutes (i.e. about 3 paragraphs), I will try and keep this as brief (hah!) and (hopefully) entertaining as possible.

If you wanted something short you should have gone to Vine.

Firstly, since last posting I have celebrated a birthday and am desperately trying to ignore the fact that I am now closer to 30 than 20 and reassure myself that being asset poor/cash poor is still okay. It's when you hit 30 that it's okay to be asset rich/cash poor.

Or so my sources tell me.

Anyway, I had my birthday at Law school and was slightly disappointed that I would have to spend 6 hours in lectures but somehow my law school friends managed to make my birthday awesome.

I had cards, cake, a balloon and lots and lots of bubbles in the evening.

The lots and lots of bubbles led to some interesting situations including telephoning one of our lecturers whilst he was relaxing at home on a Saturday evening and yelling/singing at him down the phone, laying in a bath with Becky until we got cricks in our necks, being fireman lifted/kidnapped out of a Premier Inn hallway, being let off part of a taxi fare because the driver didn't want us to faff with any more money and begged me to 'please get your friends out of my car' with one such friend then stage whispering into my ear 'you should thank me! I just saved you £1.54 by saying that I felt sick very loudly'.

Ah, good times.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Birthday celebrations continued well into the next week with Apollo turning up with his gift on Monday evening.

Now, for those that don't know me (who are you, and how did you find this?), firstly; welcome, and secondly, you should know that I am a Harry Potter fan.

I am particularly a fan of the Marauders and that era in general.  Probably because it is a part of a complete and well established universe but a part that has not been fully explored so my imagination can take over a bit.  I also have a soft spot for fanfiction and Lord knows that there is plenty of HP stories to waste several hours (read as 'years') on.

...and jeopardise your Law degree!

In any event, BF was well aware of this fact following a quiz taken in his living room which his FlatMate had designed (a lady who has perhaps a fervour for Harry Potter even surpassing my own).

Upon revealing that I had been to the Harry Potter studios tour and had been disappointed to learn that Lily Evans' wand was not available for purchase, the wheels in Apollo's head started turning.  I should point out that this conversation was a good month or so ago so this is already fairly impressive.

And several weeks later...

A wand was born!

What you see before you, dear readers, is a hand turned wand made of willow, 10 and a quarter inches long, swishy, good for charms (seriously, Wingardium Leviosa (Wing-gar-dium Levi-o-sa) has never been easier).

The thought and effort put into my gift was what made this so unbelievably special.  And whilst some people have questioned exactly what I will do with the wand (I'm not going to re-post those questions for fear of scarring some of our younger readers), I think the point has been utterly missed.

BF cut down some willow, made me a wand, made me an authentic Ollivander's box because the wand I desired was not available for purchase.

Despite some negative comments (haters gon' hate), the internet overwhelmingly fell in love with the idea and almost inevitably with Apollo himself following his post on Imgur which you can find here if you are interested in the actual turning process.

The post received a fair amount of attention on Reddit (r/DIY) and from there...the internet exploded.

All of a sudden the wand got posted about on Pretty 52, Distractify, Buzzfeed, Mashable and many other news trending websites.  Apollo was receiving messages requesting commissioned wands and even had one request for a huge batch to act as wedding favours.

It was crazy!

So BF got approximately 12 hours of 'internet fame' and was called a God amongst men and a master craftsman among many other things, namely a soppy git by the people of Reddit.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Once the internet had calmed down and BF had returned to relative anonymity once more, Thursday rolled round and we won the local pub quiz.

Seriously. Best. Quiz. Ever.

We have been going to our local pub quiz religiously for the last month or so and, although we always do fair-good, we were chuffed to win the whole thing.

However, our usual team mate, who we shall affectionately call Mr BBC, was missing for the first time since we had started this joint venture.

...so I think we now know who the dead weight on the team is.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The weekend crept up rather quickly following our decisive victory and that meant one thing: Land Rover adventures.

The Fleet, ready for action.

Apollo has another woman in his life - Nessie the Land Rover.

And really, I suppose Nessie was there first so that makes me the Other Woman...? Awks.  Despite our differences, we managed to form a bond over the course of the weekend so I think we've avoided any unnecessary jealousy.

...I'm not labelling anyone here but...Nessie is a lot heavier than me.  Just sayin'.

#unity indeed.

With Nessie loaded up and the Fleet ready to go, off we went into the wilderness of Salisbury plain and the numerous byways found therein. (Apollo was subjected to my music choices all day including War of the Worlds, various country and a guess the Disney song round.  You may pity him.)

And then the glorious Fleet got stuck in the first big puddle of the day.

All I'm saying is it's a good job we came up from Winch-ester. ...geddit?

#puns

Moving swiftly on...we bounced along the byways for most of the day and at one point went through a big, innocuous looking puddle.

This puddle did not look substantially different from any of the other large puddles we had happily charged through over the course of the day.

Unfortunately, however, this was more of a lake than a puddle (the ducks swimming on top should have been our first clue). We ploughed through and realised very quickly that the puddle was a lot deeper than we had originally anticipated.

AJ: Wheee! (AJ is (and has been) giggling like a teenager through the puddle even as the water starts coming up over the bonnet.  The car begins to slow down still in the puddle. AJ turns to look at BF and promptly stops giggling at the Serious Face she is presented with). 

AJ: Err..everything okay? This is fun isn't it? (Trying to lighten the Serious Face). 

BF: (Slight sarcasm is detected) Yep, all good...are your feet getting wet, yet?

AJ: What do you me-oh. (AJ has looked down in her foot well and finally notices the 6 inches of muddy water now sloshing around. The rest of Nessie is not faring much better). 

BF: Yeah...and if I stall it now we will be getting out and swimming.

(The giggling has now definitely stopped). 

AJ: Ah.

BF: 'Ah' indeed.

(BF is a master of Puddle Jumping and therefore does not stall the car, Nessie loves her Pilot and has somewhat warmed to the co-pilot and they all lived Happily Ever After instead of drowning in the puddle/lake like they probably deserve.  The rest of the Fleet avoid the puddle/lake because they are Sensible Drivers.)

We eventually left Salisbury Plain and ended up having a BBQ at the Admiral of the Fleet's house.  Which we obviously had to build first out of breeze blocks because reasons.

We are all enjoying our lovely BBQ, cider and beer are flowing and the burgers are sizzling when, all of a sudden, it starts snowing.

Because of course.

The BBQ continues because we are hardy off-roaders now, dear readers.
 

I look different without my mascara on, kay?!

The night draws to a close and Apollo and I decide that we have been hardy off-roaders for quite long enough so we engage in urban camping (i.e. we stay on the sofa bed) rather than staying in the roof tent because a) sofa bed and b) it snowed earlier.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The next morning we woke bright and early (hard not to with a 7 year old and a baby living in the same house). After thanking our hosts, we trundled off in the sunshine (seriously, weather, what is your deal?!) to forage breakfast (read as 'find McDonalds').

The nearest we could get was a Costa which turned out to be the best decision we could have made.  The Costa in Devizes has a Barista Maestro who should be receiving all the coffee awards going.  If there aren't any then someone should make some so he can get them.

It was 9 in the morning on a Sunday and he was friendly, smiley, quick, accurate and just generally amazing.  Apollo and I were both pleasantly surprised by this find and, as the BF, phrased it: it was nice to see someone take pride in doing a job well.  Maybe he hates coffee, maybe he hates getting up on a Sunday morning to make snooty chai lattes for girls that haven't brushed their hair yet, but he certainly seemed to love it.

#serviceindustrygoals

Someone give that man a pay rise!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Sunday was spent traversing the Plain to head back home and I had the task of Navigating.  Once I had figured out the scale of the map, I actually managed to do a half decent job! So we found a lovely spot for a bit of lunch which required me to ford a river in order to take the following picture.

Seriously some Lara Croft stuff going on to get this shot. 

Nessie was pretty happy out in the sunshine too.

We eventually got back to Winchester and indulged in a hot shower (following which I could not brush a knot out of my hair and we very nearly Threw A Wobble. Apollo was spared this when I realised that it was far too early in our relationship to have a full on Hissy Fit because my hair was not behaving. Having a nap helped my mood too.)

All in all, it was a great weekend and a fantastic week.

And what does all this mean for me?

Well...my Amortentia potion now smells like wood shavings, diesel and chai latte.

And if that makes me a soppy git at least I'll be in good company.

&&Fin.

Men Always Want To Be A Woman's First Love - Women Like To Be A Man's Last Romance

That Time The Twittersphere Wrote A Better Love Story Than Twilight

What The Buzz: #My5WordRomanceNovel

Apologies for the lack of posting, dear readers, but I have been shamelessly busy and have made it home to my bed no more than 2 nights in the last 8 days (ooh er mrs) and therefore The Blog has been rather sadly neglected.

My apologies for this.

But I shall be making it up to you shortly by explaining what was occurring to cause my absence from my beloved work station in another non-What The Buzz blog post. (Watch this space!)

But in the meantime, the Twittersphere got all romantic (well, as romantic as the Twittersphere gets anyway) and had the hashtag #My5WordRomanceNovel.

('Novel' might have been pushing it, but you get the idea.)

Some of the entries were quite poetic:

And then the clouds poured.#My5WordRomanceNovel

— Sukriti Singh (@singh_sukriti) 28 March 2016

#My5WordRomanceNovel He would've loved you more

— Caroline (@twilightxgalaxy) 28 March 2016

We will challenge eternity together #My5WordRomanceNovel

— Edwin Hayward (@uk_domain_names) 28 March 2016

Somewhere between hope and expectation #My5WordRomanceNovel

— Seonaidh Meems (@FiTeyaAL) 28 March 2016

...And yet others were perhaps more what we expect from modern romance stories these days:

#My5WordRomanceNovel I prefer your sister tbf

— Casella (@ShredMoseby) 28 March 2016

"The pizza delivery is here" #My5WordRomanceNovel

— Jessica Saldana (@jess_sal98) 28 March 2016

Let's match and never talk #My5WordRomanceNovel

— Sean (@SeanPStanley) 28 March 2016

However, I think we can all agree on this one:

#My5WordRomanceNovel Anything is better than Twilight.

— Puppy (@PuppyAbbott) 28 March 2016

A substantial number of the Tweets involved food but then the way to my heart is through my stomach so I shouldn't be that surprised I suppose!

In any event, hope you enjoyed this hashtag as much as I did and I hope all of your love stories are longer than 5 words.

&& Fin.

PS. Sorry for the short post - will make it up to you all in the next entry which will include delights such as meeting the boyfriend's family for the first time, learning exactly what a 'Gine' is and general kerfuffles in social etiquette which seem to somehow only happen when I am trying to make a good impression.

Maybe Our Girlfriends Are Our Soulmates And Guys Are Just People To Have Fun With

That Time We Delve Into The Modern World Of Dating

What The Buzz: #BestFirstDateQuestions

Ah, dear readers, a topic near and dear to my heart (no pun intended).

There was a time in 2015 where I had the hilarious notion to write a Dating Blog called The Tinder Tales.  This never surfaced for the following very simple reasons:-

1. I was too nervous to be honest in case one of the hapless young chaps stumbled across it and was offended (I am what they call A Nice Person (mostly));

2. I joined a Social Media team and promptly discovered the hysterical work of one Ms Charlie Culverhouse and her Blog - Tinder Tales.  In the interest of professional competition (and the fact that her posts were far more hilarious than any stories I had managed to type which all started with a fairly 'woe is me and fyi let me just reiterate my ex-bf is an absolute cad etc etc' which, let's be honest, gets boring after the first few posts) I decided to remain silent on the topic. (You should check her out here though: Tinder Tales.); and

3. The Tinder Blog would require me to go on dates. ...This was kind of a deal breaker for me.

So, the next best thing is this week's hashtag #BestFirstDateQuestions.

The Twittersphere came up with some crackers and it made me think of the first dates I have been on (all...6 of them....5 if you don't count the one where Mr Tinder did not turn up. But I'm not bitter, dear readers!  Ask me anything about the menu in Turtle Bay; I am an expert. Ahem.)

One of my favourites was probably a chap in Uni who asked me to pronounce his surname.  I thought this was a rather strange request until he wrote it down for me - Lewzsa.  Reading it a couple of times, I gave it my best shot.

AJ: Well...that says 'Loser'.

Uni Man (UM): Haha, everyone thinks that! It's actually pronounced 'Lev-sha'.

AJ: ...no, that definitely says Loser.

UM: (Is not impressed). 

Needless to say, there were not many more dates after that!

Most of my other first dates have actually been relatively pleasant (some more so than others) which is another reason for the lack of a Tinder Blog.  Lucky for me (but sadly for blog inspiration), I normally only go on actual dates with people that I have been talking to for some time and therefore they tend to not be complete douchebags as I have weeded those out in the preliminary stages. (Yes, dating me is like an episode of Robot Wars.)

Just call me Sergeant Bash, baby. ..actually don't; that's super creepy.

In any event, the Twittersphere had some cracking commentary this week so here are a few of my favourites:

Keyboard and Mouse, or Controller? #BestFirstDateQuestions pic.twitter.com/9w0vgjWmsV

— Corsair (@Corsair) 14 March 2016

Tell me everything! Your ma's maiden name? High school mascot? 1st pet's name? Your ATM card? No, I haven't seen it… #BestFirstDateQuestions

— CabinBoy (@cabinboy100) 14 March 2016

"What's your favorite book?" #BestFirstDateQuestions pic.twitter.com/muJxM2ZHie

— Turner Publishing (@TurnerPub) 14 March 2016

So where would YOU hide the body? #BestFirstDateQuestions

— Jim Wright (@JWr1ghtBra1n) 14 March 2016

"So who's the girl in that picture you posted from your trip to Italy in 2009?" #BestFirstDateQuestions

— Caitlin Michelle (@Caitlinness) 14 March 2016

#BestFirstDateQuestions .... What did you say your name was?

— Zachary (@Kyozamiss) 14 March 2016

Where do you see our child custody battle in 10 years? #BestFirstDateQuestions

— Sara Mansford (@SaraMansford) 14 March 2016

#BestFirstDateQuestions. Can I have that scab on your elbow?

— The Gnurb (@batshake1) 14 March 2016

...yeah I don't know what to tell you with that last one; people are weird okay?! Seriously kids, stay in school, stay off Tinder and stay away from @batshake1.

But other than that, dear readers, enjoy all your first dates for the wonderfully awkward hilarity they provide for you never know if that first date will be your last.

...your last first date because you live happily ever after with them not like, your last date ever because they turn out to be a mass murderer or anything. Jeez.

Yeah, see a Tinder Blog would have got really dark, really quickly.

For a certified Disney kid I am not cut out for fluffy Blog Posts.

In any event, big love to you all, dear readers, and the best of luck on all your first dates; may they be fun, the drink be plentiful and the Tinder pictures be accurate.

&&Fin