Maybe Christmas, the Grinch Thought, Doesn't Come From A Store

That Time We Rated Christmas Adverts

It is 5th December and I have already worn my favourite Christmas jumper twice.

Yes, dear readers, the time of mulled wine, mistletoe and mince pies has returned.   2016 certainly seems to have flown by.  It seems like only yesterday a 7 year old was telling me I looked 35.

Not that I'm still bitter about that or anything.

Obvs.

Harrumph.

In any event, Christmas is in the air - X Factor had the Christmas themed show, I have attended a Christmas fair and I have even wrapped Christmas presents.

Plus, I got to go and visit the Boyfriend on board his cruise ship when he came back to Blighty for a day.  So turns out Christmas wishes do come true.

Yeah I know. That was too sickly sweet even for me.

Not to mention our television screens have once again become the very public battleground for the annual war for the best Christmas ad.

I think we will all agree that John Lewis have had the edge for the last few years which all started with The Long Wait and a little boy who could not wait to please, please, please get what we wanted and appears to have ended (for me) with Monty the amorous penguin.  (Sadly, the Man on the Moon did not make a particularly strong impression on me last year - sozlol).

However, other companies have certainly upped their game in recent years.

In light of this, I thought it only appropriate that we go through and rank the current gladiators stepping up to do battle this year.

Since we have mentioned them already, it seems only fair that our first entry is this year's John Lewis ad:

5. Buster the Boxer - John Lewis

This year's John Lewis offering was the rather sweet tale of Buster the boxer wanting to jump on a trampoline.

And...there isn't much more to it than that to be honest.

The woodland animals are cute in an overly CGI'd kind of way and the music is the melancholy leading to uplifting score we've come to expect from John Lewis.  But there was just something that didn't quite click for me.

I don't know what it is but it just doesn't seem on par with some of the John Lewis adverts of years gone by.

Although this is possibly the best parody I have seen since Cassetteboy vs The Bloody Apprentice.

Yeah...reckon they would have been higher up the list if the Trump/Clinton version was the official advert.

4. Home for Christmas - Waitrose

And in at number 4 is John Lewis' sister company: Waitrose.

This advert frustrates me because there is a lot I'm willing to do for a good mince pie (watch it, now!) but this is just taking it to extremes! Plus, points are lost because when I first watched this advert I thought the gruff sailor man had actually stamped on the robin.

And we all know I'm ridiculously jumpy so nasty little shocks like that are Not Appreciated.

Not to mention what is that crazy kid doing wasting good, Waitrose mince pies on the bird table?! I have watched birds eat worms and this kid is chucking out a whole mince pie?! And looks to be replacing it every day?!

Do they not realise how expensive Waitrose is?

And how 'experts' have predicted that the price of the average British shopping basket is set to triple following the fall out from Brexit?

Not still bitter about that either.

Harrumph indeed.

3. The Greatest Gift - Sainsburys

Ah, Sainsburys.

This is an impressive work of stop-motion animation and therefore deserves a fairly high spot on the list.

There is something very British about this advert - is it the soft voice of James Corden? Or taking the proverbial Michael out of our unreliable train services? Or the awkward wedging in of the 'that's so 2015' twerking?

In any event, it looks great, sounds great, includes an amazing cross-section of society and has a great message for the Christmas holidays.

...Or does it?

Whilst I wholeheartedly agree with the message that the best gift people can give is their time (that fact that I'm Very Poor as you all well know has nothing to do with this sentiment) and spending quality time with friends and family is what Christmas is all about, Sainsburys don't seem to practice what they preach.

Sainsburys will be open Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day and the following bank holiday.

Turns out the greatest gift you can actually give this year is super discounted turkey on December 26th according to Sainsburys.

Boxing Day sights: poor university students as far as the eye can see...

Boo, Sainsburys.  You lose points for this.

2. The Sing Song - TK Maxx

Well, if this week's Apprentice episode taught us anything it is that British people love anything random.

More like Lord Sugar has lost his mind.  Seriously, he has to pick his business partner from this sorry bunch?! (That's another Blog Post I suppose.)

TK Maxx has possibly the most random advert out there.

It's not warm and sentimental.

Or humorous and light hearted.

No; it's just...bizarre.

But it still brings a smile to my face when I see it.

And if you haven't done the claw hand clap at the end of the advert then you are Wrong.

1. Christmas with love from Mrs Claus - M & S

Now this has everything.

Warring siblings, an old happily married couple, a cute dog, a sad and untimely loss, gadgets, a sassy heroine, a secret only the audience knows, a happy ending and those glorious looking mince pies not left out for the birds.

Plus bonus points for 50 Shade of Red.  I see what you did there you saucy minx, Mrs Claus!

It's a winner in my eyes.

The only thing missing was a cheeky wink right at the end but I suppose we can't have everything now, can we?

This is my number 1 because I am only slightly not ashamed to admit that the first time I saw this advert, it brought a tear to my eye.  It feels really Christmassy, it features The Big Guy himself in a non-conventional way and feels modern and traditional at the same time.

This is a really subjective list, obviously, and I'm sure that many of my dear readers will have conflicting opinions but I think we can all agree that no Christmas advert list would be complete without the classic:

NOW I'M FEELING CHRISTMASSY.

Ahem. Or whatever.

Now some of you keen eyed readers may have noticed that Tesco is conspicuously missing from this list.  Tesco did not submit one big Christmas advert and have instead opted for several shorts featuring Ben Miller and his long suffering Tesco wife Ruth Jones.  Clearly, Tesco did not have the big budget that the other supermarkets managed to rustle up.

Maybe Tesco's kids have been leaving Waitrose mince pies out for the birds and now they can't afford big budget adverts.

Who knows?

Anything is better than the garbage Very.co.uk have vomited out this year.

Call it a poor man's 'The Long Wait' or what...

Eurgh.  I think that advert just gave me cavities.

Finally, honourable mention goes to Lidl for their rather sweet Kevin the Carrot ad:

I rather liked this one but the reason it didn't make the top list is because it felt too similar to Sainsbury's advert from 2015 about Mog's Christmas Calamity involving a rather clumsy feline.

Still, who can argue with the calming voice of Jim Broadbent?  He is one of the few people in this world that could make a poem about a carrot feel enchanting and whimsical.

Although, how I will eat my Christmas veggies now, I do not know.

Thanks, Jim.


Anyway, hopefully this Blog Post has put you in the Christmas spirit (even if we have just ripped the Christmas ads to pieces).  And let's just hope we can get through this holiday period without getting too bored of the same 5 adverts being repeated over and over again on TV.

Although if they want to just play Clinton/Trump on repeat that would be fine with me.

&&Fin.

Perhaps The Less We Have, The More We Are Required To Brag

That Time We Delved Into The World Of Kanye West (Brace Yourselves)

What The Buzz: #OutBoastKanye

Well, dear readers, the hashtag really speaks for itself this week on What The Buzz.

The name Kanye West has now become somewhat synonymous with 'douche bag'.  The man has spurred an entire meme about being an arse, for goodness sake.

The awkwardness of this moment is burned onto the back of my eyeballs.  Still makes me cringe!

I remember a time (in the distant early Noughties) in which Kanye was pumping out musical hit after hit and seemed to have the golden touch.  Diamonds from Sierra Leone, Gold Digger, Touch the Sky, Stronger. 

Kanye and his shutter shades were big news in the UK.

Remember these? If not, you are far too young to be reading this Blog and isn't it past your bedtime?

In a somewhat ironic twist of fate, the downward spiral of public opinion seemed to reflect the rise of Kanye's fame.  Unfortunately, this level of fame brings intense scrutiny so, as a person in an extremely powerful position, obviously Mr West was very careful about what he said to the press and during interviews...

Really? ...the greatest?

I just...there are no words. Literally.

This man is now a father.  Let that sink in for a minute.

K.

Obviously a very modest and humble man stands before us.

But some people have labelled KWizzle as having a 'God-complex' (whuuuuut?!).  And the Twittersphere is always keen to have a bit of bantz at the expense of someone famous.

Here were some of my favourite boasts to out boast Kanye:

#OutBoastKanye
I've got an 8 slice toaster.....well it's a grill but same thing.

— Steven (@steve_d24) February 15, 2016

I haven't bothered claiming back my PPI even though I get several phonecalls a day telling me I could #OutBoastKanye

— Neil Dagley (@NeilDagley) February 15, 2016

Sometimes I buy a packet of Frazzles even if I already have some Frazzles #outboastkanye

— Paul Moped (@paulmoped) February 15, 2016

Yeah, well I once got Shakira's hips to tell a lie. #OutBoastKanye https://t.co/AmWBsf013O

— Louis Karsenbarg (@LouisKarsenbarg) February 15, 2016

I cut a pepper once and found a smaller pepper growing inside #OutBoastKanye

— Andrea G (@Andrea_G22) February 15, 2016

I can smile #OutBoastKanye pic.twitter.com/dSmrxW2xYl

— St Peter (@stpeteyontweety) February 15, 2016

And as for my boast?

I can go to Nandos in relative anonymity. Bliss.

Still no smile? You are in Nandos. Ed Sheeran and Example wrote a goddamn song about how much they love this place.

&& Fin.

If You're Going To Do Something Tonight That You'll Be Sorry For Tomorrow Morning, Sleep Late.

That Time We Discussed Corporate Responsibility (not as dull as it sounds. Maybe.)

A story that grabbed my attention this week: GourmetMurderKitchen.

This story involves Gourmet Burger Kitchen (affectionately shortened to GBK) and their latest advertising campaign and the subsequent backlash they faced.  Words aren't really going to do this justice so I'll post some examples:

I know what you are thinking, dear readers.

'Oh dear' indeed.

You will imagine the outrage, the uproar, and general middle-class fist shaking anger these adverts produced. (Which is totally justified, actually). People can take offence at pretty much anything on the Interwebz and I am normally the first one to offer a cup of tea, a pat on the knee and a reassuring 'now, now, calm down, dear, it's not as bad as all that'.

Except that, this time, it pretty much is as bad as all that. 

Possibly the worst Ad campaign of 2016 and we’re only in January. https://t.co/QNGqJyG7tl

— Jonathan Richard (@JonRichard) January 18, 2016

#gourmetmurderkitchen @gbkburgers Bravo to your marketing dept on an epic fail! Take a defining chapter of our generation and ridicule!! 😕

— Jason Bromley (@Dispeller79) January 17, 2016

I'll always remember the day I boycotted Gourmet Burger Company #gourmetmurderkitchen

— Mrs P (@missy_mcsquishy) January 17, 2016

Then of course come the photoshopped images (they really made this one too easy):

@gbkburgers cheers for making it even easier to ignore your food chain. Really bad advertising.#gourmetmurderkitchen pic.twitter.com/ZX1PwYD7fl

— Luna Unicorn Sminks (@this_sminks) January 18, 2016

Following the new adverts being plastered all over the place, including on the London Underground, people took to social media to rant and rave about the 'disgraceful' ad campaign. Vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters alike appear to have found the campaign in poor taste, not least because it has been revealed in the middle of Veganuary (I had to Google it too, don't worry). 

Really, GBK? Really?!

From a practical viewpoint, this campaign is even more baffling given that GBK caters for vegans and vegetarians so why they are trying to ostracize one sector of their client base I do not know. 

But, as if that wasn't enough to piss off most of the Internet, then came this:

Ah, the insincere corporate apology. The Law of Holes seems apt here. Rule #1: If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. But, no. GBK really likes that shovel and damn it all to hell if they don't want to make that clear!

Not only do they not appear to understand where the offence could have possibly come from but they get all defensive about actually providing vegetarian options.

....slow clap. 

Do they not realise that providing meat free options is pretty much standard in nearly all restaurants nowadays? What kind of idiot opens a restaurant and doesn't provide anything for the 4 million vegetarians currently in the UK? I mean, even Nandos has vegetarian options and they aren't being dicks about it, are they?

See how I avoided a cheesy pun about 'cocks' there? You. Are. Welcome.

Seriously, GBK, I think you need to sort out your marketing department. 

Speaking of...#TeamSociallyM is totally (probably) up for the challenge.

Then again, this one might have really been the final nail in the coffin for your vegetarian and vegan clients and maybe a few meat eaters too. Still, they say any publicity is good publicity, right?

Yeah, I reckon the Handmade Burger Company probably agrees with that right about now.

&&Fin.