I'd Rather Lose Than Win By Cheating

That Time I Ranted On About Click Bait Articles


How To Find Out If Your Girlfriend Is Cheating On You? #12 Is Perfect!


This little gem popped up on my Facebook feed recently, dear readers.

Now I know all about lazy journalism (have you read What The Buzz lately?) but these articles are everywhere and, despite hating them, I still click on them! We've all seen them - the click bait articles that lure you in only to shovel the same old nonsense down your throat and you wonder why you ever clicked on the title in the first place.

Such was the case this time.

Although this article, for reasons that I shall make perfectly clear shortly, angered me more than most.

We all know someone or have been in a relationship ourselves which has resulted in one or both parties straying at some point. It's a sad fact of life that I can say this with absolute confidence.

If your partner does the horizontal (or vertical, or reverse, or any which way for that matter) mambo with someone else and you’re not okay with it (open relationships and all that in this day and age); that’s cheating.

(If we’re going to get really lawyer-y about it all: cheating could be defined as your partner engaging in a form of physical or emotional intimacy with another person that the reasonable onlooker would deem to be inappropriate within the defined and implied boundaries of your relationship. But we're not here to decide what makes a cheater, just how to spot them. Call me the David Attenborough of the relationship world.)

Who doesn't David?

In any event, most of us can therefore relate to this article on a personal level and I know that people really do worry about their partners roaming.

So, instead of rolling my eyes and slinking off quietly, I am going to go through the points raised in this article one by one and provide some helpful commentary/criticism.

Because n’yeah.

Firstly, let's be clear:

Say it with me now...

Now, on to the article itself:




Oh. Good. Lord.

Okay. Let's just dive right in, dear readers.

If your partner (be they male, female or anything else on the sliding scale of gender) starts dressing nicely...maybe they just want to look nice.

Did you ever think of that Witty Feed?!

Maybe they have been down the gym to try and be healthier and are feeling great. Maybe they have an event coming up and bought a new outfit. Maybe they are trying a new style. Maybe they saw something on sale and thought 'what the hell!'. Maybe they are trying to get YOUR attention. (Maybe put the book down, Teen Wolf.)

Maybe you are just a little bit paranoid.

Moving on!



I should point out before any eagle eyed readers comment on it that I haven't got my numbers wrong. This is the second point on the article even if it has #3 written above it.

Lazy journalism indeed.

I can understand why it might be concerning if your partner starts refusing to spend time with your group of friends but there could be lots of reasons for this. Maybe they are trying to be respectful of your time with your friends so you don't feel like they are constantly attached to your hip. Maybe they see it as the perfect time to spend time with their group of friends too. Maybe they were very friendly at the start of your relationship but as it has progressed they have realised that they don't have a great deal in common with your friends.

Maybe one or more of your friends hasn't been very welcoming and now your partner feels a bit awkward. Or maybe one of your friends has been a little too welcoming and that's equally as awkward for your partner so they have chosen to remove themselves from the situation to save any further embarrassment.

There could be lots of reasons and it doesn't mean that your partner is trying to get in with any new friends - maybe they relish a bit of alone time!




Yeah, the numbers, I know.

I can understand that this is not a great indication of an epic love story in the making - if your partner does not get on with your family then that is Not A Good Sign.

But what if your Mother is overbearing and overly critical of your partner? What if your Father makes weird, sexist jokes that make your partner feel uncomfortable? What if your Brother just grunts at your partner when they walk in the house? What if your partner is allergic to the 13 cats your family insist on adopting?

There are lots of reasons for avoiding family members but to jump straight to the conclusion that your partner is cheating on you is such a stretch they might as well call you Mr Armstrong.

90s throwback FTW

Talking of lazy journalism...I'm going to skip some of these because a) I'm getting bored of talking about all the problems in this article and b) the really, really awful ones are further down the list.



Maybe you are just a bit needy, Teen Wolf. Did that ever cross your mind?



Eurgh.

So many things wrong with this particular example.

Because obviously if your partner has anything else to do other than go to work or tend to your every whim and in equal measures needy and paranoid ego, then they are definitely cheating on you.

/sarcasm. Just to be clear.



...in direct contrast to the above point, your movements and other engagements should be None Of Their Business.

Obviously.

Because your behaviour is above reproach and well of course you have other things on your schedule besides work and returning home immediately.

I think I'm going to have a brain aneurysm by the end of this Blog Post.







I cannot stress enough how much the above actions are Not The Done Thing especially in an Adult Relationship.

Just...just no.

If you feel the need to do any of these things with your partner just call it quits because a) you clearly don't trust them at all so what do you really have?, b) they deserve better than being under your constant surveillance and c) doing any and/or all of the above is creepy as all hell.

Maybe this should be a guide on how to get a restraining order rather than finding out about a cheating lover.




Finally! Some actual sound advi- hang on...(ignoring 'talk to her on the face' for a minute)

"make her answer straightforwardly and honestly by forcing it on her."

forcing it on her

forcing it on her

...

The last piece of advice from the article is that if you can't work things out that you should "leave her without giving it a second thought".

Or maybe she will leave you (now suddenly pregnant) Teen Wolf since you have been rifling through her bags, looking at her phone, following her around and demanding all of her attention 24/7 (apart from when she is at work though, obvs, you're not a mental case).

What you just described there isn't a cheating lover - that's a manipulative and abusive relationship.

Any of these ringing any bells, Teen Wolf?!

The thing that really got me about this article was the automatic assumption that your partner is Up To No Good. There is never a secondary explanation, there is never anyone else in the wrong, it is always your partner and you should be automatically suspicious of everything they do.

If your partner is buying new clothes, not coming straight home from work every day or if they don't seem to get on with your mates, they are not necessarily cheating.

Sure, if all of the above is occurring then maybe your relationship is fading out but it does NOT mean that there is a new mambo partner is the picture.

So, just calm down Witty Feed.




Or maybe she spotted you reading this Witty Feed article and realised that the strange man following her to her pilates class in the overcoat and hat was her despicable boyfriend and she's sick of it.

Maybe you are just a bit of a dick, Teen Wolf.

&&Fin.

I Think That, If The World Was A Bit More Like Comic-Con, We'd All Be A Little Happier

That Time I Was Green For Two And A Half Days

What The Buzz: #mcmLDN16

For those of you not familiar with the above hashtag, this week is all about the MCM Comic on in London.

Not only is this trending on Twitter but I also got to attend for the third time.

And. It. Was. Epic.

So this Bank Holiday Monday we are going to take the opportunity to write a Blog Post combining a trending topic and a personal experience.  And hopefully it will be less of a bodge job than my normal Monday Blog Posts.

For this year's Comic Con, my sister and I decided to tap into our love of musical theatre and my love of body paint.

Can you guess who it is yet?

Elphaba and Glinda from Wicked!

And whilst I still have some green body paint in some interesting places (namely the inside of my ears), we had an amazing time.

Once again we found Comic Con to be very busy, very loud and very friendly. Despite turning everything I touched green (like the bad kind of Midas), I did have some requests for hugs and we had lots of requests for photos which was lovely.

Here are some of my favourite cosplays that we bumped into:

From Under Tale

Balloon!Vader

A Misbehaving Oompa Loompa

Praise the Sun!

There were loads of other amazing cosplays and there was so much to look at that I unfortunately neglected to take many photos. Like at all. All of the above pics have been shamelessly pinched from the MCM Expo facebook group so full credit to the actual photographers* for taking pictures whilst I wandered around gaping at everyone.

Another interesting find at Con was Andrew Lee Potts who some of you may remember from Primeval.

...or not, as the case may be.

If you are not familiar, Primeval was an ITV show following a team of scientists and various dinosaur expert misfits (including Hannah from S Club 7) investigating temporal anomalies across the UK through which prehistoric (and then highly advanced futuristic) creatures enter the present.

Following three fairly successful series (and several attempts at fanfiction...-ahem-) I was pretty invested in the show.

So you can understand my pain, dear readers, when ITV announced that the show was to be axed and a fourth season would not be happening.

This was Not Okay. Not least because my favourite characters (Abby and Connor (Hannah and Andrew)) had been left in the Cretaceous period, stuck up a tree with no way of returning home.  How could I ship them if they were left up a tree for the rest of time?!

So I took matters into my own hands.

On the Livejournal (which we have previously discussed) fan page we discussed ways to contact ITV and convince them that Primeval could not end.

All 5 of us in the fan group (well how big did you think it was going to be?!) decided that the best thing to do would be to send Protest Dinosaurs.

You read that correctly.

We had a template sent to us and we were to write on it the reasons why Primeval should not be cancelled.  I'm pretty sure I was the only one to a) actually do this and b) take the brief to a whole new level.

In order to make as many of these things as possible I enlisted the help of Sammy Ay (who we've already met and has been putting up with me and my BS for years) and Hanny Vee (who has the most adorable baby that when I met him for the first time ever I could not stop kissing his head.  He did not enjoy it. Sozlol.)

These two muppets angels are used to my ridiculousness and so agreed to assist as long as we were allowed to do the dinosaurs in the sunshine.

When they walked out onto my decking I have a feeling they may have wished to re-think the whole thing.

'Writing on paper dinosaurs' had become 'dinosaur related arts and crafts afternoon'.

I had colouring pens, I had glitter, I had magazines to cut out. I had The Works (see what I did there? Haha...puns.)

And bless their little hearts...they did good.

These all got sent to ITV (I'm genuinely not joking now) and within a few weeks I got a letter back from ITV saying thank you for our protest dinosaurs!

Lo and behold...in September of the same year, it was announced that Primeval would return for a further two series.

You. Are. Welcome UK (and Hannah and Andrew and the rest of the cast).

...2 series which I, subsequently, failed to watch.

But anyway! Back to Comic Con of this year....

There was Andrew Lee Potts in all his glory (promoting Wireless his web series) and my sister was urging me to go over and tell him all about the Protest Dinosaurs.

And I paused.  I stood in the middle of an aisle in Comic Con (not a popular decision I will add), in green face paint and thought...I'm going to look like an absolute nutter if I go over and talk about Protest Dinosaurs.  He may actually have me removed from the Expo.  Especially if I try and show him my facebook album of said dinosaurs.

So I totally chickened out. Instead, we wandered off into the distance to look at the vast sea of Pop! figures and Protest Dinosaurs were firmly pushed out of my mind.

But it was nice to see him from afar anyway. (He looked well so clearly has enough money to be eating and things so doesn't need my help securing any more work for him. Although maybe I should have asked for my cut of the profits from season 4 and 5.)

...and that's all folks! Thank you so much to all who attended #mcmLDN16, we are SO excited to come back in October! pic.twitter.com/BAkis9aDiL

— MCM Comic Con (@MCMComicCon) 29 May 2016

Look out for Xena the warrior princess in October.

Or Shrek as I have a lot of green paint left over.

&&Fin.



* Sorry that I couldn't give the photographers full credit but some of these are reposts etc so I am not sure who the pictures actually belong to.  If you know, please contact me and I will edit this post.

Sex Without Love Is As Hollow And Ridiculous As Love Without Sex

That Time Twitter Suffered From A Bad Case Of The TMI's

What The Buzz: #NewCarryOnMovieTitles

It has been too long, dear readers.

My apologies for that but it has been my summer holibobs (read as: one week off from work in which I hope the sun will shine but, in fact, the weather stays better at home than abroad and I pout about wearing jeans instead of my horrendously short shorts).

More on the summer holibobs later.

This week I have actually been looking at two hashtags; the first being #NewCarryOnMovieTitles (pretty self explanatory following the announcement that this franchise will be returning in 2016 after a 24 year absence) and #ThingsIYellWhenICum.

Sid James knows it.

...yes.

The reason this Blog Post is not dedicated to the second hashtag is because a) surely there is only so much you can really say about the hashtag, b) my fingers feel a bit dirty even typing it and c) my Mother reads this.

However, because I care deeply about entertaining my readers, here are some of the better ones for your perusal.

#ThingsIYellWhenICum AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMM

GONNAAAA SWIIIIIIIIING

FROOOOMMMMM

THE CHANDLIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR

— lee (@derNullmeridian) 17 May 2016

#ThingsIYellWhenICum
"CAN YOU FEEL IT MR.KRABS" pic.twitter.com/uC05uABgCj

— ugly boy (@4AMJAY) 16 May 2016

10 points to Gryffindor!
#thingsiyellwhenicum pic.twitter.com/WtN2mdL3R3

— David Armstrong (@tiggtag) 16 May 2016

#ThingsIYellWhenICum omg I'm gonna come
I'M COMING

OUT OF MY CAGE AND I'VE BEEN DOING JUST FINE

— Derek Nelson (@ProdigyNelson) 16 May 2016

And this one made me laugh:

#ThingsIYellWhenICum IM DIRTY DAN

— tess (@TRILLTESS) 17 May 2016

Well, don't say I never give you anything, dear readers!

Anyway, back to the actual hashtag for this week: Carry On films are making a return!

Ooh, matron!

 Very exciting stuff indeed.

And despite the first title being leaked as Carry On Doctors (back to bed pans and surprise thermometers, I'm sure), the Twittersphere were keen to provide some suggestions of their own which seemed to overwhelm Jonathan Sothcott (producer of the new films and CEO of Hereford Films which is behind the project).

Totally overwhelmed by all the messages about @carryonmovie - I promise we'll do it justice!

— Jonathan Sothcott (@sothcott) 17 May 2016

It has been confirmed that two movies will be produced (and presumably more will follow should they be a commercial success) but, sadly, Dame Babs Windsor DBE will not be making a return (which also means her nipple tassles won't be dusted off for another spin).  Cast have yet to be announced but it looks like the producers are after new, young, British comedic talent rather than impersonators of the original cast.

So stop practicing your Kenneth Williams' faces in the mirror.

No, really.

Stop it now.

Alright, Blue Eyes, calm down.

In any event, Mr Sothcott has confirmed that Carry On Doctors is not a remake or an 'attempt to reinvent the wheel' but it does seem like a safe premise to start with.

And, to think, we could have had such titles as:

Carry on items can be stored in the overhead bins #NewCarryOnMovieTitles

— Dan Jordan (@danjordan) 17 May 2016

Carry On Rehashing Long Dead Movie Franchises #newcarryonmovietitles

— James Cook (@jamesecook) 17 May 2016

(Ouch.)

#NewCarryOnMovieTitles Carrie on bleeding pic.twitter.com/NCJ1s4V52G

— neilneil orange peel (@kearns_neil) 17 May 2016

Carry On Working Until You Die Because The Tories Will Never Let You Retire #NewCarryOnMovieTitles

— Waldorf Sixpence (@WaldorfSixpence) 17 May 2016

...on second thoughts, given the public's track record with naming things, maybe we were better off leaving this one to the professionals.

...too soon?

&&Fin.

The Girl Blossomed In A Mud Puddle

That Time I Recapped A Busy, Busy Week

Apologies for the absence, dear readers, but (as you will soon see) it has been a manic few weeks.

Following the (tentatively) successful meeting of Apollo's friends and family, I have had several new adventures.  And, appreciating that the average reader's attention span is approximately 2-3 minutes (i.e. about 3 paragraphs), I will try and keep this as brief (hah!) and (hopefully) entertaining as possible.

If you wanted something short you should have gone to Vine.

Firstly, since last posting I have celebrated a birthday and am desperately trying to ignore the fact that I am now closer to 30 than 20 and reassure myself that being asset poor/cash poor is still okay. It's when you hit 30 that it's okay to be asset rich/cash poor.

Or so my sources tell me.

Anyway, I had my birthday at Law school and was slightly disappointed that I would have to spend 6 hours in lectures but somehow my law school friends managed to make my birthday awesome.

I had cards, cake, a balloon and lots and lots of bubbles in the evening.

The lots and lots of bubbles led to some interesting situations including telephoning one of our lecturers whilst he was relaxing at home on a Saturday evening and yelling/singing at him down the phone, laying in a bath with Becky until we got cricks in our necks, being fireman lifted/kidnapped out of a Premier Inn hallway, being let off part of a taxi fare because the driver didn't want us to faff with any more money and begged me to 'please get your friends out of my car' with one such friend then stage whispering into my ear 'you should thank me! I just saved you £1.54 by saying that I felt sick very loudly'.

Ah, good times.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Birthday celebrations continued well into the next week with Apollo turning up with his gift on Monday evening.

Now, for those that don't know me (who are you, and how did you find this?), firstly; welcome, and secondly, you should know that I am a Harry Potter fan.

I am particularly a fan of the Marauders and that era in general.  Probably because it is a part of a complete and well established universe but a part that has not been fully explored so my imagination can take over a bit.  I also have a soft spot for fanfiction and Lord knows that there is plenty of HP stories to waste several hours (read as 'years') on.

...and jeopardise your Law degree!

In any event, BF was well aware of this fact following a quiz taken in his living room which his FlatMate had designed (a lady who has perhaps a fervour for Harry Potter even surpassing my own).

Upon revealing that I had been to the Harry Potter studios tour and had been disappointed to learn that Lily Evans' wand was not available for purchase, the wheels in Apollo's head started turning.  I should point out that this conversation was a good month or so ago so this is already fairly impressive.

And several weeks later...

A wand was born!

What you see before you, dear readers, is a hand turned wand made of willow, 10 and a quarter inches long, swishy, good for charms (seriously, Wingardium Leviosa (Wing-gar-dium Levi-o-sa) has never been easier).

The thought and effort put into my gift was what made this so unbelievably special.  And whilst some people have questioned exactly what I will do with the wand (I'm not going to re-post those questions for fear of scarring some of our younger readers), I think the point has been utterly missed.

BF cut down some willow, made me a wand, made me an authentic Ollivander's box because the wand I desired was not available for purchase.

Despite some negative comments (haters gon' hate), the internet overwhelmingly fell in love with the idea and almost inevitably with Apollo himself following his post on Imgur which you can find here if you are interested in the actual turning process.

The post received a fair amount of attention on Reddit (r/DIY) and from there...the internet exploded.

All of a sudden the wand got posted about on Pretty 52, Distractify, Buzzfeed, Mashable and many other news trending websites.  Apollo was receiving messages requesting commissioned wands and even had one request for a huge batch to act as wedding favours.

It was crazy!

So BF got approximately 12 hours of 'internet fame' and was called a God amongst men and a master craftsman among many other things, namely a soppy git by the people of Reddit.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Once the internet had calmed down and BF had returned to relative anonymity once more, Thursday rolled round and we won the local pub quiz.

Seriously. Best. Quiz. Ever.

We have been going to our local pub quiz religiously for the last month or so and, although we always do fair-good, we were chuffed to win the whole thing.

However, our usual team mate, who we shall affectionately call Mr BBC, was missing for the first time since we had started this joint venture.

...so I think we now know who the dead weight on the team is.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The weekend crept up rather quickly following our decisive victory and that meant one thing: Land Rover adventures.

The Fleet, ready for action.

Apollo has another woman in his life - Nessie the Land Rover.

And really, I suppose Nessie was there first so that makes me the Other Woman...? Awks.  Despite our differences, we managed to form a bond over the course of the weekend so I think we've avoided any unnecessary jealousy.

...I'm not labelling anyone here but...Nessie is a lot heavier than me.  Just sayin'.

#unity indeed.

With Nessie loaded up and the Fleet ready to go, off we went into the wilderness of Salisbury plain and the numerous byways found therein. (Apollo was subjected to my music choices all day including War of the Worlds, various country and a guess the Disney song round.  You may pity him.)

And then the glorious Fleet got stuck in the first big puddle of the day.

All I'm saying is it's a good job we came up from Winch-ester. ...geddit?

#puns

Moving swiftly on...we bounced along the byways for most of the day and at one point went through a big, innocuous looking puddle.

This puddle did not look substantially different from any of the other large puddles we had happily charged through over the course of the day.

Unfortunately, however, this was more of a lake than a puddle (the ducks swimming on top should have been our first clue). We ploughed through and realised very quickly that the puddle was a lot deeper than we had originally anticipated.

AJ: Wheee! (AJ is (and has been) giggling like a teenager through the puddle even as the water starts coming up over the bonnet.  The car begins to slow down still in the puddle. AJ turns to look at BF and promptly stops giggling at the Serious Face she is presented with). 

AJ: Err..everything okay? This is fun isn't it? (Trying to lighten the Serious Face). 

BF: (Slight sarcasm is detected) Yep, all good...are your feet getting wet, yet?

AJ: What do you me-oh. (AJ has looked down in her foot well and finally notices the 6 inches of muddy water now sloshing around. The rest of Nessie is not faring much better). 

BF: Yeah...and if I stall it now we will be getting out and swimming.

(The giggling has now definitely stopped). 

AJ: Ah.

BF: 'Ah' indeed.

(BF is a master of Puddle Jumping and therefore does not stall the car, Nessie loves her Pilot and has somewhat warmed to the co-pilot and they all lived Happily Ever After instead of drowning in the puddle/lake like they probably deserve.  The rest of the Fleet avoid the puddle/lake because they are Sensible Drivers.)

We eventually left Salisbury Plain and ended up having a BBQ at the Admiral of the Fleet's house.  Which we obviously had to build first out of breeze blocks because reasons.

We are all enjoying our lovely BBQ, cider and beer are flowing and the burgers are sizzling when, all of a sudden, it starts snowing.

Because of course.

The BBQ continues because we are hardy off-roaders now, dear readers.
 

I look different without my mascara on, kay?!

The night draws to a close and Apollo and I decide that we have been hardy off-roaders for quite long enough so we engage in urban camping (i.e. we stay on the sofa bed) rather than staying in the roof tent because a) sofa bed and b) it snowed earlier.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The next morning we woke bright and early (hard not to with a 7 year old and a baby living in the same house). After thanking our hosts, we trundled off in the sunshine (seriously, weather, what is your deal?!) to forage breakfast (read as 'find McDonalds').

The nearest we could get was a Costa which turned out to be the best decision we could have made.  The Costa in Devizes has a Barista Maestro who should be receiving all the coffee awards going.  If there aren't any then someone should make some so he can get them.

It was 9 in the morning on a Sunday and he was friendly, smiley, quick, accurate and just generally amazing.  Apollo and I were both pleasantly surprised by this find and, as the BF, phrased it: it was nice to see someone take pride in doing a job well.  Maybe he hates coffee, maybe he hates getting up on a Sunday morning to make snooty chai lattes for girls that haven't brushed their hair yet, but he certainly seemed to love it.

#serviceindustrygoals

Someone give that man a pay rise!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Sunday was spent traversing the Plain to head back home and I had the task of Navigating.  Once I had figured out the scale of the map, I actually managed to do a half decent job! So we found a lovely spot for a bit of lunch which required me to ford a river in order to take the following picture.

Seriously some Lara Croft stuff going on to get this shot. 

Nessie was pretty happy out in the sunshine too.

We eventually got back to Winchester and indulged in a hot shower (following which I could not brush a knot out of my hair and we very nearly Threw A Wobble. Apollo was spared this when I realised that it was far too early in our relationship to have a full on Hissy Fit because my hair was not behaving. Having a nap helped my mood too.)

All in all, it was a great weekend and a fantastic week.

And what does all this mean for me?

Well...my Amortentia potion now smells like wood shavings, diesel and chai latte.

And if that makes me a soppy git at least I'll be in good company.

&&Fin.

A Thousand Words Will Not Leave So Deep An Impression As One Deed

That Time I Spent Easter Weekend Forcing Chocolate On Unsuspecting Herefordians


There are what we call 'brown trouser' moments in this mad ride we call life.


These can include (but are not limited to) watching a motorcyclist almost fall off his bike in front of your car, the moment before you think you are about to be bitten by a dog and meeting your new boyfriend's friends and family for the first time.


I, for reasons I am still uncertain of, experienced all three in the space of 2 days.


And, for your enjoyment, dear readers, I have documented some of my adventures herewith.


You. Are. Welcome.


In order to maintain some semblance of anonymity we shall call the new boyfriend Apollo (aka Lee Adama and BF) because a) we are not above stroking the new boyfriend's ego occasionally; b) it somehow seemed very appropriate; c) I can then be Starbuck (because I say so); and d) reasons.


NB: Some of the following circumstances and conversations may have been dramatized (slightly) for humorous effect.


Wednesday - Eve

HouseMate: ...Amy? (HouseMate pushes open bedroom door to reveal AJ frantically emptying her wardrobe onto her bed). ...What'cha doing?

Me: (Breathing heavily and slightly wild around the edges) I don't know what to pack! Why do I not own any clothes?!

HouseMate: ...err...you own lots of clothes? (HouseMate looks pointedly at the piles of clothing currently threatening to tumble off the bed)

Me: Okay, let me rephrase, why do I not own anything that isn't either ridiculously formal or horrendously slutty?!

HouseMate: (Clearly wonders if this is a trick question) Because you're AmyJay?

Me: (Is not amused) Not. Helping.

HouseMate: Okay, okay calm down. We will find something. What is the occasion?

Me: Okay, meeting the parents, brother's birthday lunch the next day then 'a night out in the countryside' whatever that means and Easter Sunday.

(AJ waits with baited breath for HouseMate's pearls of wisdom).

HouseMate: Right, well jeans and a nice top then.

Me: (Visibly deflates) I don't have nice tops; I have work clothes or backless dresses ....This is impossible, I'm going to cancel. Do you want to push me down the stairs or something? Need to make it believable...

HouseMate: Don't be daft; look wear this blazer and these jeans and....WHY ARE YOU PACKING THAT TEENY TINY RED DRESS?!

Me: Err.....Just in case?

HouseMate: (Deep breaths) Step away from the suitcase, Johnson.

(HouseMate proceeds to re-pack entire suitcase with suitable items of clothing whilst AJ, who should be taking notes, fiddles with a make up bag the size of a small holdall and wonders just how much nude eyeshadow one really really requires for a 2 day trip.)


Friday

Apollo and I leave his flat to make the treacherous trip to the frozen wastelands of the North (read as Hereford) and, having checked Google Maps I can see that the journey should take about 2.5 hours (ish).

Until BF announces that he needs to take the motorbike North in order to try and fix it up a little bit. Which also means the motorway is a no-go. 

So the back roads in convoy it is.

Whilst the drive was undeniably lovely (the sun was shining, I was singing along to one of my cheesy Spotify playlists, Apollo was pulling silly faces at me in his wing mirror and the scenery was incredible), we arrived at our destination circa 5 hours after we had set off. 

5. Hours. 

Not to mention the fact that at about 4.5 hours in to our journey (which, admittedly, had been somewhat fraught with the motorbike deciding to randomly indicate hither and thither with little encouragement from BF and me being unable to navigate tiny country roads in the Glorious Accord) we encountered one of those 'brown trouser' moments I mentioned previously. 

Going round a rather tight bend in the road, I was merrily singing along to Jet which promptly ended on a somewhat strangled gasp as I watched Apollo slide round the corner - literally. The back end of the bike seemed to slip on the road and BF (instinctively, I assume) put his foot down whilst still travelling at about 20 mph. 

This was Not A Good Plan. 

As I watched I genuinely thought he was going to come off the bike which would have been bad enough in its own right, but that I was then going to make raspberry jam out of him on the road. 

Somewhat awkward meeting the parents as you try to explain just why their son's face is mashed into the front of the Glorious Accord and, here, this prosecco is for you...lovely to finally meet you?

Thankfully, this was not our fate and BF managed to regain control of the bike (albeit with a very sore ankle and bruised toes).

And so our adventure continued. 

Approximately 30 seconds later (once I was convinced that Apollo was alright and not dying of some horrendous broken ankle injury) my rear view mirror promptly plopped into my lap. 

Really, Honda? Really?!

*~*~*~*~*~*

Arriving at the house (and checking BF still has full function in his left foot), it becomes apparent that Commander Adama (CA) and President Roslin (PR) (aka Papa and Mama) are not home. 

But the rest of the family is. 

The rest of the family consists of two border collies and one terrier. 

Now, dear readers, I am an animal lover.  I have grown up with a dog, multitudes of cats and a variety of rodents in between. 

However, I have also been the unfortunate victim of several dogs getting over excited and snapping at me.  (I also seem to have a problem with Loud Sudden Noises but that is clearly a very different problem that is probably best discussed with a trained therapist and I will therefore not burden you, dear readers.)  Therefore, the sight of three very excitable dogs barking at the sight of Apollo had me somewhat nervous. 

Not least because one of the dogs was what we affectionately call a 'smiler'.

...affectionate. Promise!

Once I had got past my initial fear, turns out all the dogs were really very soppy and I needn't have worried at all.

See? What a softie!

In any event, CA and PR arrived home and it was the weirdest sensation to meet people for the first time and greet them on the threshold of their doorway.

But even in the weird circumstances, CA and PR gave me a big hug and seemed to be pleased with my offerings of flowers and prosecco (bonus points on the board for AJ).

Although CA and PR had turned up laden with curry so my paltry offerings of tulips and alcohol paled somewhat in comparison.

In addition to CA and PR, Apollo’s Aunt was also staying for the weekend. I do not appear to be able to come up with a suitable comparison for Apollo’s Aunt so we will stick with Aunty Dearest (AD).

The five of us tucked into the Indian feast and the conversation promptly turned to ships/boating/the mysteries of that cruel mistress The Sea etc.

PR: You’d be so proud of me – this week, whilst in Guernsey, I got on a boat!

Me: Are you not a good sailor then, PR?

BF: The boat is either in too deep water or too near rocks so it’s kind of a lose/lose deal for Mum.

PR: Amy, can you imagine anything worse than being on a floating village?! Just travelling around in the sea on a giant ship – yeuck. I don't like the idea of cruises at all. I can’t think of anything I would rather do less, don’t you agree?

(AJ can see Apollo grinning at her out of the corner of her eye and stifles a laugh)

Me: Well…actually I’ve already been on three cruises and have another one booked in a month so…yeah.

PR: Ah. Well then.

(AJ can sense the bonus points rapidly evaporating. The Topic of Conversation moves swiftly on and we all head to bed.)

~*~*~*~*~*~

Saturday

Today was the day that the Glorious Honda had been waiting for since it had the misfortune of being bequeathed to my fair hand.

It was time for a general check up.

Apollo has a healthy obsession with motor vehicles and therefore, like my Dear Father, was horrified to learn that I had been driving whilst the red oil light was coming on in my car. Again, my defense was that the light only came on when I went around corners but this appeared to have a similar non-pacifying effect on BF and the same vein pulsed in his forehead.

I pity the men in my life.

I was therefore instructed to present the Glorious Honda for inspection in The Workshop at 0900 hours sharp. (As this was a Saturday morning, this did obviously NOT happen.)

The Workshop is an area of patio between two stables with a home made roof of plastic sheeting (which has a bad habit of attracting dead wood spears from above) and an eye watering number of tools/gadgets which look alternately intriguing and/or dangerous. 

 
Basically; it's a boy's playground in which we pretend serious work actually happens. 

But the Honda was clearly very happy to be there and received a full oil change, new oil filter, a top up of screen wash and coolant. If she could have purred and rubbed against Apollo's legs she would have done. (Tart.)

After much tutting and pointed looks from CA in my direction re: keeping the oil topped up so that it actually touched the dip stick in future, I tottered off to wrestle off my wellies and get ready for lunch.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Apollo's brother, Zak Adama's, birthday carvery lunch. 

Food.

Unf.

~*~*~*~*~*~

In the afternoon, Food Mountain (see above) caught up with me at about 5pm and so it was that I went for the inevitable afternoon nap that the Adama family had been predicting since they first laid eyes on my heaped plate. 

As one does, I removed my glasses (now officially blind) and stripped off to clamber into bed. 

I'm not sleeping in skinny jeans. 

For reals, sister.

I had been 'resting my eyes' for about half an hour when a voice called from the doorway. 

??: Amy? 

Me: (AJ slowly stirs from slumber and peers over the top of the duvet)

??: I can see one eye! 

Me: (AJ cannot see who is standing in the doorway as she is still glasses-less but assumes it is the BF and begins to unravel from the duvet but then hears a giggle.  AJ realises a moment before it is too late that in the doorway must be Apollo's brother and his ladylove (LL).  AJ quickly rolls the duvet into an even tighter sushi roll) Err..hi guys.

LL: We just came to say goodbye as we are heading off now. 

Me: Oh, okay let me just...

LL: No, no you don't need to get up, we just wanted to come say goodbye. 

Me: (AJ is clearly dealing with an Internal Struggle). No, I need to get up as I have Easter presents for you both.

LL/ZA: Aw, that's so sweet. (Both parties remain standing in the doorway.)

Me: Yeah...I have chocolate for you but I am currently in a state of undress. (AJ gives a pointed glance downwards (as pointed as it can be when everything is a blur and she is squinting).) 

LL: Ah, we'll give you a minute then. 

Me: Ta.

And that was the moment I almost flashed my boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend.

Flashbacks of Holland and the thin curtain/balcony incident.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Saturday night was a Night Out in Hereford and, thank goodness I have a sensible and lovely HouseMate to guide me through my social events. 

This meant a night in the pub followed by posh burgers and then back to the pub. 

....no little red dress required. 

In fact, the BF gave me about 15 minutes to get dressed and do my hair and makeup.

This was met with a somewhat withering glare once I had my contacts in and he was in focus. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Sunday

Sunday involved a lazy breakfast and then we headed back out to The Workshop. 

And this time, the Honda Accord was lavished with even more attention.

A good old fashioned wash. She was glowing afterwards.

After a dog walk in the woods (where we left in the sunshine but got caught in the rain, one of the dogs decided he didn't want to wear his coat any more tyvm and yet another dog decided he wanted to rip his coat off on barbed wire before we all made friends with some little shetland ponies) it was just time for lunch and then the drive back home. 

As we got in the car to travel back Down South, Apollo turns to me:

BF: So do you want a one stop plan or a two stop plan. 

Me: ...For what? 

BF: For the drive home.

Me: Erm...for the two and a half hour drive you mean? 

BF: ...err, yeah? (BF looks at AJ like she is not speaking English.  AJ returns the favour).

Me: Erm, I drive to Leicester which is 3 hours on a regular basis with no stops and I was planning on doing the same today. Clearly, because I am hardcore.

BF: But there's no rush today so we could just-...

Me: HARDCORE. 

After much laughing at my playlists ("Haha, Meat Loaf, Disney. ...Err....what is this wedding playlist, Amy?!" - Alarmed BF) and ONE stop for coffee (Not Hardcore), we arrived back in Hampshire having engaged in a wonderful bank holiday weekend where I had avoided flashing any family members (except maybe one particularly nosy pooch after a shower) and hadn't made a complete tit of myself by getting drunk on Saturday night and insisting people try and lick their elbows. 

All in all, a successful meeting of the friends and in-laws I think. 

And it can't have been too bad as they invited me back the following weekend.

Huzzah.

&&Fin.